a look back...

we've had an eventful year. brooke came back home in march....we started bio-medical, the diet, chelation, and now behavior therapy. i can't believe it's a new year already. i'm anticapating a good new year with brooke with lots of hope, victories, and new direction. As i look back over the past few years i'm thrilled of how far she has come. baby steps, yes.....but they have been steps. we've had some tough times and i know they will try to defeat us ahead....but i'm confident that we will overcome them w/God's strength and timing. so today-i'm looking forward to a new beginning w/brooke....as an old friend once said to me. "just do the next thing"....and that is what we will do.
Happy New Year to all of you!

when i grow up...

today we (my boys, ethan and josiah, brooke and laura) were driving in the van just getting out. josiah (7) started talking about what he wanted to be when he grew up. well, that got ethan's (age 4) imagination rolling. then with an enthusiasm he shouted "i wanta be w-aura" (laura). we all said, "laura?" i said why do you wanta be laura when you grow up....and w/o hesitation he said "i wanta be w-aura because i want to teach brooke."

uh....my heart stopped...laura and i both teary eyed were just in awe. how sweet and precious those words were to me today. it's funny.....when i found out that i was pregnant with ethan i wasn't all that excited.....however, God knew what He was doing to bring me humor, a glance into a new perspective, hope, and alittle bit of me. it's the little things in life i say that keep me going. that little thing will go a long way.

laura and brooke

just when

just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...it became a butterfly.
just when we needed a Savior....God sent His Son in a manger.

Merry Christmas and may His blessing fall upon you as we worship His birth.

He is the reason

as little children we would dream of christmas morn and all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find but we never realized a baby born one Christmas night gave us the greatest gift of our lives. we are the reson that He gave His life, we are the reason that He suffered and died to a world that was lost He gave all He could give to show us the reason to live.......david meece

i love this song.....it's been ringing in my ears since thanksgiving......

what gift will you give Jesus this Christmas? i already know mine....and as hesitant as i am to give it...i know it will change my life.

it must be Christmas....

because Brooke is being very loving.....she's hugging everyone---and i mean HUG! whole body kinda thing where she lifts up one leg as if we are to hold it. she must want something for Christmas....j/k. It has been great. we've all just drank it in like water in the desert.
the other day we were at target and we were wondering if a complete stranger asked her "what's your name"....what she would say---so we decided since the person behind looked nice and sweet to ask her to do this little exercise for us. load and behold she said "brooke".....softly and sweetly.....however, molly and i weren't to softly when we praised her. i think the whole target store heard the rumble!
we are praying about many things w/brooke that i'll mention at a later day.....pray for wisdom and guidance as we venture into new territory w/her.
they will all be out of school come this wednesday. my parents are coming into town....i'm thrilled for them coming. i don't know a thing about cooking "christmas food".....but chili sounds good. nice and easy!

come

Oh come, oh come, Immanuel.

butterflies and brooke: the meaning

For those that are new to my blogspot i wanted to share what and why i have choosen to share my experiences w/you. I created butterflies and brooke after brooke came home for the learning tree for 2 reasons. First is to share brooke's victories, struggles, and request as i as a mother see things from her point of view if one can do that. Second, i chose to be completely honest w/my struggles as a mom of an autistic daughter....what God is teaching thru her, what God is teaching me outside of our situation, and to rattle off things that are on my mind. In turn....it's sorta been like a journal for me personally....a raw expression to God that allows others to view my relationship w/brooke and God on the front page.
I'm grateful to God that i can share my heart outloud and hopefully encourage others as we all struggle w/ something of some kind.

the week

it's been a busy week for me....getting some work done while the kids are in school. next tuesday is there last day...wow. can you believe christmas is already here.

brooke has been coughing....i hope she isn't coming down w/ something. she's been doing really well in therapy w/the girls. they are learning the ropes and are doing great.....brooke is too.

it's been a busy weekend. i'm sure it has for you as well w/Christx coming around the bend.

brooke has been been climbing the walls....going from room to room...can't seem to keep her still. now, she is in her bed sleeping....i'm grateful that she enjoys sleeping.
i'm tired tonight too. it's been a hard week for me and i'd love to sleep all day tomorrow.

shadowlands

this happens to be my favorite movie of all. it's about the story of C.S. Lewis.....in the movie he says:

Prayer doesn't change God...it changes me.

this is the biggest thing i've learned about prayer and my relationship w/God in my prayer life w/God. God may choose to keep brooke just as she is....but as i enter the throne room....He moves my heart....He enlightens my heart....He whispers the mysteries of His will to me...it changes me. and in doing so....He is carving me, shaping me to be like HIm. oh, it's not fun.....but the end results are worth every nugget of my prayers. i need to pray more.

quotes

"Joy sometimes needs pain to give birth" i don't know who wrote that....but i'm finding it to be a true statement. Job says everyone born from a woman has trouble. that seems to be funny to me....like job was trying to convey humor in his pain/suffering. It's good that i don't know why.....

saddle up

it is the little things in life that make you go on. walking in the bathroom finding brooke saddled on laura's lap while laura drys brooke's wet hair....just sorta puts a smile on your face.

thinking/meditation

i sit back and just watch brooke sometimes, wondering where her thoughts take her...what she laughs about...what she looks at when she sees me...trudy (our dog)...our therapist...dad...and her brothers. i wonder and consider and i'd love to look thru her eyes. truely i say this...i'd rather it be me than her.

as a believer we have the priviledge of meditating on the One who carries us, watches us, and yes...reads our minds. I'm a thinker. i'm not one to jump in and share my opinion....rather, i meditate on it.....and speak my mind. i laugh out loud now b/c i wonder if brooke is doing the same thing.....she's taking everything in and then one day- bamm....she speaks just is what is on her mind.

one thing is for certain. i choose meditation on God's word. Its the only thing that i need...and in doing so He speaks....and sometimes He is quiet. Being in His presense meditating on Him is all i'm required to do....it's when He speaks or whispers a word in my ear or shows me something from the mysteries of Him.....that is a bonus....it's the extra.

i love it when i watch brooke....and bamm....she says something i've never heard her say. she makes me smile.

what a day...

yesterday brooke came home in such a great mood. we were told she had a great day at school....that's really good extra good on a monday! we've started a new therapy plan that i hope will give her more words than she has now. my after school therapist laura and molly seem to be excited about it and are doing a great job and are seeing how each piece of the puzzle forms words and even phrases to her vocabulary. are hopes are high on the Lord....who does not disappoint.

i had an art show this past weekend at a friends house that i just recently met. i cannot put into words the outpouring of God's blessing. All the money will go towards brooke's bio-medical needs which include doctor consults, speciality food items, and supplements. My 87 mosiacs were sold out! Plus we had a "donation only" for brooke's paintings. we had 19 in all of hers and over half sold. God's blessings poured out that day....as an angel opened her house and her love to our family. what a day to celebrate God's provision and praise!

new supplements

brooke is on some new supplements that we hope will help her gut. this process will take some time but we should see something w/in a couple of weeks. the past few days have been up and down w/her....school reported yesterday she did very bad all day....but today was better. at home today she was good....seemed like she was in a good mood, content, happy.....

we are getting ready for company and get some answers hopefully working w/her behavior plan/education plan.

continue praying that the bad things in her gut will be removed quickly and painlessly.

who's been sleeping in my bed?

brooke came running full blast in our room last night jumped in the bed w/me and just laid there. did she have a bad dream...did something alarm her...i don't know. it was 2:06 in the morning. i have to say-she's only done that just one other time, but it's the best feeling in the world. she just lays there next to ya....like it's normal for her. no hitting, screaming...just peace.

i'm reminded when my world spins so fast i can't control it....i have a thought that lingers and horrifies me....and then i run full blast in the throne room of God, sit up in lap....because it's normal....because I'm His and He is mine. Peace. Brooke you show me many things that i tend to take for granted.

bewildered

this passage bewilders me....

EX 21:2 "If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. 3 If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. 4 If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free.
EX 21:5 "But if the servant declares, `I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' 6 then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

Lord, take the awl and peirce my ear. I'm your slave and you are my master. I want it no other way.

paintings by brooke

butterflies and brooke
under the sea
easy for the camel
winter
freedom

thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

we are leaving for Memphis to visit our family.

Give thanks to the Lord...for HE IS GOOD!

on my mind

trust. this is what is heavy on my mind tonight as i lay down to sleep.

lean NOT in your own understanding....sometimes i wonder that we haven't fully grasped that verse....and still lean on our own understanding....making trust harder than it really is.

little things?

we had a great time away...

brooke has been so loving lately. i'll be sitting on the couch and she get up and pull me to "her" couch. i'll lay down beside her.... 5, 10, 15 minutes until she starts pushing me off...ha/ hey, i'll take just one minute.

I long for the presense of God. wishing i could sit in His lap for just one minute w/His arms around me. It's the little things in life, is it not? a short time away, laying down w/brooke, and just a minute in the arms of Jesus. however...even though they tend to be the little things in life, they turn out bigger than we ever imagined. (Jerem. 33.3)

doctor's call

i cannot express in words the 1hour phone call we just had w/the doctor....but she did put some things in writing so that i could explain. this is what she said:

"Sounds like Brooke is experiencing some negative effects of chelation.
Sometimes the negative effects are due to too rapid of a detox and sometimes the
negative effects are due to the drug itself. Usually a detox reaction occurs
early on in the process. Since we are 7 months into it, I suspect
some type of gut inflammatory process (virus, yeast, bacteria, or parasites) or
the chelator is no longer chelating toxic metals, but is binding up good
minerals instead."

The phone call we just had w/the nurse was suggested that she is having some gut related issues and until those are resolved the chelation will not be as benefical in the long run. so...we are going to begin to clean brooke's gut out thru different types of supplements/medication. we hope this will ease her pain and the nerveous energy she is having.

Heal her gut Abba Father....and give her relief.

busy

we are busy, busy, busy!

we find out what's going on w/brooke come friday. friday also bill and i are taking some needed time away---just for the night. are therapist will be taking care of brooke and the boys are staying w/my mom and dad.
i'll let you know about friday- be in prayer as we decide what is best for brooke.

still

my thoughts still are towards remembering. So i remain still and quiet...in remembrance.

remember

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this i call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness I say to myself. The Lord is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those hope is in Him to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:19-26

it's good to remember. remember where, how, when God brought you-took you-saved you-carried you-delivered you. I remember the flood, i remember the miracles of the Bible, I remember Jesus in a manger, I remember Jesus coming from a tomb....and i remember Him saving me. I remember how far He has brought me. I remember how He changed me on that April night. I remember the forgiveness i gave, the pain i endured, the Jesus who brought me thru and gave me truth and and a new name. I remember. And today....i still remember. I remember when the doctor told me brooke was autistic....but i remember that God showed me His soverienty, I remember the way i treated brooke several years ago and i remember how God changed my heart to love brooke w/ the full extent of His love. (john 13.1) It's good for me to remember b/c it shows me how are great God works and is working....therefore i will wait on Him. He is not foreign to my situations or problems....He is not a God that is afar off.....but He is my portion and my Hope remains not in this world or what it has to offer...but Jesus Christ....b/c what He has to offer me is eternal and life. remember.

test results are back....screaming still remains...chelation is held off for now until we know the results of test

listening

my thoughts this morning are full of questions w/o answers...this morning i'm forced to go to God and stay in His presense until He speaks, whispers, writes it in the clouds, or even speaks thru His people. I'm torn...between thoughts that allure me. Be my vision Lord...speak for your child is listening...answer us...and show us Your perfect plan....that i understand may not be so perfect in our eyes.

trust...

why is trusting so hard. we make it harder than it really is i believe. an old sunday school teacher of mine always said we need to have the "open hand policy"....hands open....never clutched. meaning....God, whatever comes my way-it's yours....whatever happens...open hands...
there are choices to be made in the next few days w/us....and trusting God is our aim. My hands are open...I want His best, for His glory. Jeremiah 29.11

weekend/prayer

brooke had a good weekend especially saturday. she interacted alot w/us and molly and echoed alot of new words.
this week she will be out of school on tuesday and friday....along w/the boys....pray for an extra measure of strength to get thru the day...doing stuff she enjoys besides sitting in front of the tv.

the butterfly

"the butterfly counts not months but moments..." Iagore

i love this quote...i tend to look ahead at the things to come....in doing so i get disappointed, discouraged, and the list goes on...however.....God encourages us to just see the moment He has given us....and in doing so He has the months, years, days ahead in His hands. Can we not trust the our Savior w/that? Oh, how i long to rest there....in the moment.

thursday

___________________________________________________

we've finished all the test to see where brooke is at in the chelation process. it was a tough morning....brooke's screaming/hitting has gotten worse. it's stressful at times.

this afternoon she worked at the table w/laura and she did really well. she worked probably about 30 minutes...being very compliant. so...it's been a rollarcoaster ride today of emotions.

continue to pray w/us as we struggle whether or not to continue in the chelation process....this next test will show us alot. Show us your will Oh God....

___________________________________________________

broken pieces

broken pieces is and has been a recent ministry of mine for brooke. I don't know how exactly i got started in this, but it has turned out to be a learning experience in a spiritual way. I wanted to express to you the meaning behind the mosiacs...why i use broken pieces...and how i put it all together. alot of you know i do this, but don't know the story behind it all.

First, God taught me that it's the broken pieces He uses (the pain, the struggles, the building of character and etc...). He puts them together to make a beautiful and unique piece of art (us). The art is not done then...it takes time to heal...to dry if you will...then He begins to pour in His word (the grout that fills in between the pieces). w/o the grout the pieces would fall off and be useless. The foundation of God's word keeps the art together and complete. Then the end result is He pushes us into the world and His light shines thru us so that He Himself is Glorified.

There is more that i have learned...more that i have discovered...but all in all, God is using my art ability to help provide for Brooke's bi0-medical needs.
I'm honored to do this for her to help her and it gives me a way to escape and use it as "therapy time." If you are interested in getting a piece just contact me and i'll be happy to express thru art the broken pieces of my life to yours.

rough

brooke had another rough day at school and home.
we will get back to doing therapy at the table w/her at home soon.

Jesus loves Brooke

tonight....my jaws are clutched....my eyes are swolllen....and my heart hurts w/pain for Brooke. i have no words but these:

Jesus loves Brooke this i know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to
Him belong they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves Brooke...Yes, Jesus
loves Brooke, Yes Jesus loves Brooke....the Bible tells me so.

praise while powerless

this happens to be my life verse w/ brooke...the whole chapter is great....but i just wanted to jot down some main passages.....

2 chronicles 20. 12 For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on Thee....15 and he said, "Listen, all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: thus says the LORD to you, `Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's. 16 `Tomorrow go down against them. Behold, they will come up by the ascent of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the valley in front of the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 `You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.' Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the LORD is with you." 18 And Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground, and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the LORD, worshiping the LORD. 19 And the Levites, from the sons of the Kohathites and of the sons of the Korahites, stood up to praise the LORD God of Israel, with a very loud voice.

I'm learning how to praise God in the midst of being powerless. i'm learning how to abide in the midst of a tangled world. i'm learning how to rest in the arms of our Lord b/c HE SAYS SO. i'm learning how to focus my eyes on Him during a stressful moment. i'm learning to stand. I'm learning to CALL on the Lord b/c i do not know what to do. it's not in our human nature to do such things as these...but as we die to ourself...moment by moment it's possible to release, to be revived. Praise....I wanta live there. i wanta be there. no matter what....no matter when...no matter how. Lord....let me praise while i'm powerless.

in need of peace

chelation weekend. screaming still going on...yeast infection still going on...

i know she is hurting, she hast to be. our family needs a peaceful weekend...this week has been long and busy.

our mind is set on Thee....Is. 26.3

when i sing...

Pass me not, O gentle Savior, hear my humble cry, while on others Thou art
calling, do not pass me by. Let me at Thy throne of mercy find a sweet relief
knoeeling there in dee contrition help my unbelief. trusting only in thy
merit would i seek thy face heal my wounded broken spirit save me by thy grace.
Thou the spring of all my comfort more than life to me, whom have i on earth
beside Thee? whom in heaven but Thee? Franny Crosby

when i'm down i sing, when i'm down i love to hear songs of worship, when i'm down my heart can't speak words...i can only sing songs that pull me towards Him...and in that moment....I know that there is no better ears to hear my song.....but Thee.

just 2 words...

the teacher called me this morning around 9:15...she said brooke had been very upset---crying and could not be controlled. the aide she has said to brooke "brooke, what do you want?" brooke said "HEAD"....then the aide said "what's wrong w/your head?" brooke responded with "hurt".

okay- 2 words right? but what that says to us is everything! by the way....i went down and gave her some motrin for her head-ache....and she was fine the rest of the day. brooke communicated today! She spoke hurt, concern, feeling, emotion, pain...she spoke!!!!

one of her therapist has been gone for a week and she even told her, in the middle of counting to 10, that she missed her. something is happening! something great is taking place!

How great is our God....sing w/me, pray w/me, praise w/me.....HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

o love that wilt not let me go

O Love that wilt not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee; I give Thee back the life I owe, That in Thine ocean depths its flow May richer fuller be.
O Joy that seekest me thro pain I cannot close my heart to Thee; I trace the rainbow thro the rain, And feel the promise is not vain That morn shall tearless be. george matheson

how is brooke?

this is the question i've been getting over the past few weeks....i sometimes don't know how to answer this fairly easy question...so i thought i'd jot down some thoughts for those that are interested.

brooke is sick, but not sick in the way we usually think. it's more a consequence of the chelation...consequences we knew she'd experience with the bio-medical stuff. chelation isn't easy on anyone no matter if you are an adult or child. i believe she is having a hard time right now because of the chelation process. as much as i hate doing the chelation i can't wait til the results come.....and they will....but this is a process and things take time, i do know that. We've seen some good things....and we've seen some tough things....but i believe it's all been a part of the chelation. i see the dark circles under her eyes...the tired look in her eyes...the frustration of various behaviors...the yeast infection that has gone on for months....and then i see her laughing out-loud at a tv show for no reason at all... i see her counting w/dora (on the tv)...i see her going to the bathroom sometimes independently...i see her saying her full name w/help...i see her interacting w/her therapist...i see her trying.

so, how is brooke? she's trying...and we are waiting.

it's almost spiritual a friend mentioned to me....we have to go back and let God dig out all the stuff in our life. a spiritual chelation if you will. and boy---the things to come from it are endless and fulfilling...they are a mystery and a treasure...they are fruit and life...they are more than we could ever imagine w/our minds eye. so, i'm waiting and walking w/brooke until its done....and God is doing the same w/us.

yeast

hopefully help is on the way w/brooke's yeast problem. she's been hurting so bad w/yeast....we've tried all types of home rememdies......however, today we got some meds in the mail that i hope will help.

abiding

it's been raining tons here....winds are high....leaves are starting to fall...and dead limbs from trees are everywhere we go in our yard.

i've been thinking about abiding lately. this picture kinda sums up my thoughts. when i think of abiding i think of a continual presense, a closeness, always there....i could make a big list. when i see the dead branches around me i'm brought to the passage in John 15. Brooke has abiding down pat i think. This is something she doesn't need to learn b/c someone is always w/her. she is helpless on her own....and likewise. I'm learning from her...and i'm put in my place. I hope Jesus sees me as a "wanting" to abide b/c of the helplessness i'm in. Brooke you amaze me....and i love you. thank you for teaching me...i have learned more than i could ever think/imagine from you.

heaven

just today Josiah ran in the house and said "MOM, MOM....guess what? Brooke is going to talk in Heaven!" i said..."she sure is"...."yeah", he said, "and do you know know what i'm going to tell her....I'm going to tell her i love her and she's going to tell me she loves me"!

what precious words today- words i needed to hear....words of hope....encouragement....love...sympathy...compassion....and a childlike faith.

ask, seek, knock...

and it will be opened to you. the same request still remains in our prayers. it's been chelation weekend but the behaviors are still the same. we will, like i said before, do test to see if the metals are moving and treat things bio-medically first.

Jesus went to the cross for us so we could have the priveledge of praying.....and going to God. Do we take this for granted?

REQUEST

please pray we find some answers w/the screaming....it started very early this morning and has continued.
we'll talk to the doctor today...and talk w/consultants as well.
your prayers make a difference....

fall break

it's fall break here as well as alot of places i'm sure...it's been a pretty crazy day---brooke is still screaming and hitting...it's been hard to staisfy the boys needs and spend time w/brooke as well. of course we have therapist here and they are a great help....but i as a mom, i still need to spend time w/brooke even though she is being well taken care of.

the leaves will soon fall...and the cold air will hit w/a chill on our faces...the clocks will fall back...and the halloween candy will all be eaten...but one thing remains the same. OUR GOD never takes a fall break from His children. He remains faithful to us...loving us...holding us...and never leaves us or forsakes us. I'm grateful for the break the kids get to have away from school to spend some extra time w/them and i'm ever so grateful for Jesus who never fails and remains in my company as the seasons change.

consider

consider the lilies of the field.my favorite word in the Bible just happens to be "Consider"....I'm a big thinker and there are several things i can say about this passage.However...i'm drawn to say...

He cares

He is there

He is listening

He carries me

He talks to me

He fights for me

HE...

look up in the sky...

the screaming has returned...along with hitting herself and windows and head banging in the shower. i share this not to complain....but as a prayer request to change. i believe the chelation is having a great affect on her and her behaviors. we will start new test in the next few weeks to see what is going on. The screaming is an endurance test for us....it gets kinda overwhelming and it makes you wanta scream too.

lately i have seen so many rainbows.....call it what you want, but i call it a visual from God to keep on keeping on. to do the next thing. to endure. not to give in. not to quit. but to hope....to believe...to seek...to know...to trust...to obey...and to help the helpless. i scream out my prayers to my God who knows...i make my request to my God who is so personal to me He paints it in the sky...and i sometimes remain so quiet and still and my mouth cannot utter a word that He interceeds on my behalf to give me strength. I wish i knew why she was screaming..why she hit things..and why she looks at me the way she does.

just thinking....

i've been thinking about John 11 lately....when Jesus decides to wait after hearing of Mary and Martha's brother dying...He waited and didn't come RIGHT then....sometimes i wonder why....why the wait. It's clear in this passage what the answer is:

"Did i not say to you, if you believe, you will see the glory of
God?"

do we not want to see the glory of God? i know i do....but my actions/words sometimes say otherwise.

Oh Lord, Your Glory we long to see....so i wait, i wait on your timing, i wait in trust, i wait knowing you know best, i wait knowing you plan is perfect and blameless. help me to wait.

Most the time, we want God to fix our circumstance---but i'm sure that if we don't wait we miss out on God's riches and blessings He desires to display to us. i desire to choose waiting. "waiting is often the greatest part of love" someone once told me.

safe embrace....

a couple of days ago i was drying brooke's hair....it's usually a battle. sometimes she likes it okay and others she is aggressive. this day i was surprised by a simple gesture we take for granted as a "hug". as i dried her hair, she faced me put both arms around me connecting her hands on my back and held on. an unexpected embrace, a simple expression of love, a breath of fresh air, and a touch of God. At first, i must say i was alarmed thinking she was going to head butt me, however, she laid her head of my chest and though it seemed like we stood there forever w/the air hitting her head....it was a split second of God's love. safe....in His embrace.

what's in a name?

I'm thrilled to announce to you that when asked "what is your name?" brooke responds w/"Brooke"!

the girls have been teaching her this not long at all....it's just exciting....she knows her name...she speaks her name....

it reminds me that HE knows her name, her frame, and He speaks her. what a sweet sound.

clarification about bootcamp

**********************************************
my pit circumstance is not due to brooke or my family or anything like that....just my walk w/God....where He is taking me as an individual....i just wanted to clarify.
**********************************************

bootcamp

"come, come," He calls you, "O oppressed and weary, Come to the shadows of My desert rest; Come walk w/me far from life's noisy discords, and peace will breathe like music in your breast."

" He guarded him like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its
young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. The
Lord alone led him, no foriegn god was w/him." (deut. 32.10-12)

"do you see why the Lord always trains His soldiers not allowing them to lie on beds of ease but calling them to difficult marches and service? He makes them wade through streams, swim across rivers, climb steep mountains, and walk many long marches carrying heavy backpacks of sorrow. this is how He develops soldiers-not by dressing them up in fine uniforms to strut at the gates of the barracks or to appear as handsome gentlemen to those who are strolling through the park. No, God knows that soldiers can only be made in battle and are not developed in times of peace. Turning them into ture warriors requires the education brought about by the smell of gunpowder and by fighting in the midst of flying bullets and exploding bombs, not by living through pleasant and peaceful times." streams in the desert

so....were the heck have i been....and where am i now? BOOTCAMP.... i've been in the cave, the desert, deep waters, and now in the pit. He will deliver me. In the fire w/Daniel...He was there....and He is w/me....i'm confindent of this; i just hate being in the pit.

info

pray for:
*chelation weekend

*behaviors to decrease

*direction w/education plan

busy

BUSY WEEK...

will continue soon

sunday

enjoying sunday......

a longing

do you ever long to see Jesus...to be held by Him?
today I'm there....a longing....a craving, a drive, a hunger, an
itch, a passion, a thirst, an urge, and a yearning

somethings working...

i loved this picture....i can't help but think of God's promises to us in the midst of pain, suffering, heartache, trouble, difficulties, uncertains, and etc....i live in His promises for me and brooke for i know the plans He has....no not exact plans, but i'm okay w/out knowing where tomorrow will take me...He goes before us, stands beside us, and holds me up from behind so i'm standing. i'm certain that He knows and that is enough for me.

brooke has had numerous BM's in the past few days....doctors in chicago says this is a great thing and that the metals are coming out. we were encouraged by this....however, i do know she is uncomfortable w/as many as 3/4 in a day---the bathroom is the last place i'd wanta go. her aggression at home has excelled just slightly after dinner....hitting the blinds/windows and sceaming very loud. we are not knowing exactly how to handle this taking into consideration the chelation. pray for wisdom and solutions to behavior problems.

a prayer...

a dear friend sent this to me...and wanted to put it on the blog today-pray w/me for Brooke if you like. the verse i thought was perfect...and one i need to tie around my neck for encouragement and knowing His character....sometimes it just gets overwhelming and i loose sight of His purposes and plans He has...b/c i take it personally and w/pride (thinking i can do it my way).

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21, NIV)

Father,Thank you that you have purposes for our lives that prevail, and that we can count on you in every circumstance. Even though your purposes prevail, we can often miss your timing and cause the blessings you intend for us to be delayed. Therefore, Lord, we pray that you would give us great wisdom on how to stay in your timing and in your will for our lives and for Brooke's life. We thank you that the challenges that she faces are no real obstacle for you and that you can cause great fruitfulness to come. Lord, we pray that you would give each teacher and therapist great wisdom as they work with her, and that you would give them creative ideas for bringing her to her fullest potential. We thank you for your constant provision and for the comfort of your presence. In Jesus’ Name,Amen

chelation weekend...

it's chelation weekend....chelation is hard on brooke w/metals moving around in the brain...kinda like detox. pray for an easy weekend....i'll be gone most of saturday.

leaning hard

first off....thank you for your comments, they are little gifts of encouragement to me and i appreciate your responses to my random thoughts and raw expressions.

I was reading just yesterday in "streams from the desert" that a dear mentor of mine gave to me...the passage spoke so quietly and still to me that i have to share it.

"who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her
lover?" s/s 8.5

i loved this passage for many reasons...one i do want to share. honestly speaking i have been in the desert for the past month...the desert for me has been painful, it was as if God had video taped my life and showed it back to me in slow motion, and it was insightful as i saw myself thru His eyes and not my own. I consider this passage for me a passage of encouragement and dear communion w/my Lord. the word "up" jumped off the page for me as i realized i'm coming out (up) of the desert....what a relief to say the least.....and then the words "leaning on her lover". Jesus....the lover of my soul, my dearest and best friend, companion above all rest, my comfort, guide....i lean heavily on His shoulders thru His embrace. God has been faithful as i said the other day---and He will continue to be faithful to me...this is His character...His nature.

As far a brooke is concerned....i'm so in love w/her. And though i give her hugs.....as she leans in to give me a kiss on her forehead.....i count it a joy as we go walking...of her leaning in to me for no reason at all -- a gift from what all i have learned in the desert. sweet communion.

faithfulness

a dear friend and i were talking today and she brought to mind a passage of scripture that i've always loved and used from time to tome...however, i had forgotten it. the passage was from Daniel....basicly it was saying....we will not bow down to the idol....and they said, you will be thrown into the fire....daniel said....so be it, our GOD will save us, but EVEN if He does not, we still will not bow down. wow! what courage, strength, faithfulness. it got us to talk about God's faithfullnes to us...NO MATTER WHAT He will be faithful to His children. This....i'm counting on. I choose NOT to bow down even "if". at least, i wanta be there....but not there yet....this is my passion...my desire...my heart's cry to be faithful to Him b/c He is faithful to me.
thanks Jodi....

new day

well, the weekend went rather smoothly.....a great praise is she had NO accidents at church. we were very pleased w/that...she is getting more use to going at church....and the workers. so, thank you all Joy Ministry people for all your work...for missing out on worship to be w/brooke and drew. how grateful we are for you and your faithfulness.

i was in memphis part of the weekend helping my parents...my dad is in the hospital....hopefully he will be out soon. pray for quick recovery.



tomorrow starts off a fresh week....a week i'm looking forward to for many reasons.

someone emailed me a verse this past week....i've heard it forever.....but it sure took a new meaning on for me.

"this is the day the Lord has made....let us rejoice and be glad in it".

God has something in store for Brooke....God has something in store for me...and you. I am confident of this very thing....that HE who began a good work in you will complete it. phil. 1.6 give me the confidence i need Lord...and to rejoice in each new day you have made for us.

it's a mystery

got a note in the mail yesterday from a mystery "person"...i of course would love to know who you are....i'm very suspenseful (is that a word?)....oh well. email me if you like danidraws@hotmail.com.

thank you for your prayers. they are all i need right now.

song on the mind

Brooke has had good days and bad days this week. ya never really know what she'll walk in the door w/and what to expect....this is good i guess. keeps me on my toes and those that work w/brooke.

yesterday a song came to me as i was in the shower....do you sing in the shower? well....it seems as if everyone in my family does....including brooke and her therapist! ha/
anyway----my dear friend that discipled (michelle) me taught me this song and it just came back to me:

"Jesus take me as i am
I can come no other way
take me deeper into you
let my flesh life melt away
make me like a precious stone
cyrstal clear and finally honed
Life of Jesus shinning thru
giving Glory back to You."

a song on my mind...a song in my heart...a new song...that gives encouragement, worship, praise, thanksgiving, and a way to rejoice....this is what i'm learning....

acceptance w/suffering

Just recently....i got away. It was a great experience to be alone w/just God....me...Bible...old hymn book....journal. i walked away from the 'potter's house' (Jere. 18), if you will.....with a new kind of aspect of my life and my suffering. This may sound lame or duh...you didn't know that....but it was a fresher view....a different look....an approachable goal for me....but i realized that my suffering will not go away. In fact, it may get harder or easier...but i will have this thorn in my life and that i should accept it. Boy---acceptance. seems like an easy word to pick up....accepting an invitation, accepting a job that you are going to love, or accepting a gift from a dear old friend.....but who accepts hurt, pain, suffering? who does that? In doing so....i believe we venture into a new realm in our relationship w/God....b/c He suffered...we share in a small taste of sufferings as well. 1 peter talks about rejoicing in your suffering.....humm, who does that? (i speak in sarcasism to some degree).
As i was getting home that late afternoon i noticed something on the concrete that "grabbed" my attention and put into a picture of the "acceptance of suffering" for me....w/no sarcasism or humor i was brought to my knees as i saw this flower escaping, growing, budding from, shining, letting others see beauty---as she pushed her way out from the concrete (the hardness, pain, suffering, between a rock and a hard place...if you will). She just sat there...as if to say to me accept the suffering, accept the pain, accept...accept...accept. i quickly snapped a picture to remember. about a half and hour later Ethan (youngest son....addicted to flowers) brought to me the flower that had grown from the concrete as gift.....that i gladly accepted.

anybody out there?

so.....does any one look at this blog? if so, please comment...i haven't heard from anyone in forever.....

brooke is feeling much better and she's off to school tomorrow. i'm worn out, physcially speaking. i think i could lay down and sleep until sometime next afternoon... (w/o medication! ha/)

the Lord is my helper and enables me to be strong.....in ps. 18 it's described as leaping over a wall. there are times when i know my strength is out...and there i go leaping over a wall that unexpectedly showed up....this is My God. If there was an Olypmic for this....i know i'd win...not speaking in vain here....but speaking only for the helpless state that i'm in and the Helpful Hands that push me over to my feet. this is My God.

saturday

brooke is sick today-running a fever and NOT acting her self.....pray for quick recovery. we have had to put her on some meds so the chelation has stopped for the weekend....

The Lord gives comfort and He is our comfort. Lord....come quickly and comfort Brooke.

chelation/thanks

chelation weekend. i'm pretty sure it'll be calm weekend.

molly works all weekend....pray for strength for her. i don't thank my therapist enough....they litterally fight for me! Laura, Molly, and Tammy---you have no idea what it means to me to have you here at the house to help Brooke....from helping her potty, swinging her, helping her eat, watch dora time after time after time, dealing w/meltdowns and screaming, singing to her in the shower....drying her hair, reading to her, combing her hair, praying for her, playing catch, blowing balloons, getting her in space to tell her you love her.....

the rewards are small...but on the contrary they are great....seeing her smile at you, grabbing your hand for no reason at all, getting on your back during walks down the road, and saying YEAH.....knowing she's really saying "thank you".

you each are a gift from God....i'm richly blessed-- more importantly----so is Brooke.

storms

they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distresses. He stilled the storm to a whisper and the wave of the sea were hushed. they were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord. (ps. 107. 28-30, 43).

they were glad "when" it grew calm. i wonder how many days that took...storms can be for hours at a time....days at a time... in the ocean.

they "cried out to the Lord". i wonder how long it took before Jesus calmed the sea....(just as mary and martha wanted Jesus to come "right then" to see their brother who was dying---but Jesus waited.) how long did they struggle and cry out? can you imagine the sea coming to a stand still after such a frenzy...after such a struggle....maybe after loosing men....items...food....but it came!

he "guided" them...the hand of God, the breath of God, the whisper of God, the comfort of God, even the quietness of God.....this we should take heed in and consider b/c it is the great love of God that guides us. we experience this when we cry out, when we struggle in the storm, when we are lost in sea, when the waves are so high, when no one understands the pain. yes, we experience the great love of the Lord and were glad b/c we waited on Him. no one else can calm such a storm as Him.

sick...

if you think about brooke.....pray for her. she hasn''t felt well today at all....stuffed up nose sorta thing.....you can tell she isn't her self. i hate when i can't help her feel better....God heal her body and make her strong.

missing you

after talking w/the doctor in chicgo... she said w/brooke's aggression being as it is....we are seeing her detox. i cannot put into words how to console her during her aggression expecially knowing she is detoxing. her eyes are heavy....underneath her eyes are darker than usual...and at school the other day they said she seemed as if she was hurting...she cried until she couldn't speak. last night....for the first time in a long time i noticed how helpless...sick...lonely she must feel. Not having a voice to express your frustrations, pain, suffering...it's as if she was in her own world. Oh how i long to be in it....
i consoled her as best as i could (w/her not wanting you to touch or be near)....it seemed all i could do was pray. "come quickly to our aid God"....
tonight she is resting better...
ya know...i miss the sounds i never hear: "mommy-i don't feel good"
i miss Brooke even though she is in my life day in and day out....i can't explain it....i just miss her.

God is...

finally---an update! I'll start out by quoting amy carmichael from "egdes of His ways"......

"when we are tried by dryness, dullnessof heart and despair, we are
very likely to feel alone in that most unhappy state. Perhaps that is why our
wonderful Father took care to have such writings as Ps. 77 preserved for us.
There are many such passages in the Bible, but i think this Psalm show the most
concentrated essense of spiritual distress we find anywhere. yet, it clearly
shows the way out into the sunshine. Verse 11 shows the way:it calls memory to
our aid: "i will remember the workds fo the Lord: and call to mind Thy wonders
of old time". It may seem quite impossible that we should rise and triumph, but
"Thou art the God that doeth wonders". we do not understand this strange
way: be it so."

this is where i have been....distressed, despaired. However, i know my God that does wonders, comforts us, triumphs with-over us, and rescues us in our distress. Let it be....God is for me!

as far as brooke....he behaviors at night have excelled. after 7:30pm comes (her usual bed time) she starts tantruming, hitting, throwing. she hasn't been going to bed til about 10 or 11. this has made bill and i weary b/c we do not let her have free reign over the house during this time.....whatever the case, as amy says "we do not understand this strange way: be it so"....but let it be....God is for Brooke!

solitude....

come away and rest awhile....Jesus told His disciples.
i've cluttered my solitude w/many things...it's time to go away.