Wednesday, May 31, 2006
i am weary and i must say the journey is too much for me. eating is a necessity and i don't mean physically although that is important...but spiritually for me, i have to....i need to...i'm nothing w/o it....it's unthinkable for me thinking i can manage w/o it....the journey is to hard...but His touch is worth it. His touch heals, binds, restores, gives rest.....and today i need a fresh touch from Him. To sit in His lap...to be sang over...to just sit w/no words spoken. "the angel of the Lord came and touched him".....will you come and touch me Jesus.
Monday, May 29, 2006
my sister and i share a favorite verse from 1 john 3.1 He lavishes His love on you. I love that word. Probably one of my favorite words....as an artist i can see the colors thrown on a canvas, i can see the mixture of paints blending together to make something unknown and kinda crazy. today i felt God's love lavished on me...
we went swimming today as shown in the picture. brooke had her way of lavishing water. we played little games of throwing her in the water...she loved it so much we made it into a therapy session..... she would attempt to say "mommy throw me". she said the "mommy" and "me" part....and then the huge reinforcement would be her being thrown....she would come up laughing. she loves the water. she loves to laugh. she has her way of lavishing her love...it's a different kind of love, but she does it.
let His love be lavished on you.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
*experiencing bad yeast infections
*sounding out more words (echoing)
*independently toliet skills improving
*letting us sit w/her in den anytime we want to
*school is officially over; motherhood officially started
*transition into full-time home training (very demanding)
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 cor. 8-9
so...the ride has stopped today and tomorrow may be another rollercoaster day but i do know that it will stop. i'm not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed. let the ride begin.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
i'm doing better today-i have had a couple of anxiety attacks today....why, not sure.....i guess b/c i'm thinking of the next week to come. brooke's last day of school is tomorrow and it just makes me nerveous to think about. thankfully i have help (40 hours a week). this has been God's way of fighting for me and covering me under his wings. i love this picture of brooke....it makes me think that she is praying. I wonder if she prays what she prays for?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
"Put my tears in Your bottle....this i know that God is for me" Ps. 56.8-9
today has been....overwhelming, tiring, long, distracting, painful, fearful, sad, weary... i'm so glad though that it is God that has been at my side for me to scream to, groan to, mumble with, and cry upon. some days seem harder than the rest and today was one of that for me...not brooke, just me. ....a look ahead and a look back...
as hard days come and they will, i'm so greatful that God doesn't leave me stranded but intead He reaches in, pulls me in, allures me into the wilderness, sings songs over me, calls me by name, sends friends to give a hug, cradles me in His arms and whispers to me, and plainly enough just there to listen to my hearts cry. How great is our God....He is my Shepherd I shall not want.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
there is so much to think about when it comes to time w/me. sometimes it feels as if i've lost so much time w/brooke...and other days it's just beginning. thinking of this passage is comforting to me....knowing God is in control of time. time is God, God is time. though he waited to respond to mary and martha, he came in His timing. though we know not the time in which He will return, He knows very well when the trumpet will blow. though He knew very well the prodigal son would leave his father....he knew that in His time a feast...a celebration...a reunion will occur. although i'm way aware of the time...(the time of the loss, the gain, the frustration, the anger, the love, not-knowing, the depression, the anxiety, the excitement) that God has put me in...i know that it is for such a time as this. what is "this" one may ask? good question.....and i'm not sure what this is yet. for you see----i'm waiting and around the corner, the bend, or over the hill it will come. and as David writes "He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. then they were glad b/c they were quiet; (b/c they waited) so He guided them to their desired haven." My haven is coming...when i don't know...how i don't know...where i don't know....but He says to me..."there is an appointed time for everything"
I cannot tell you how elated i am this morning! about 4:oo this morning something (someone) awakened me from sleep. i thought it was ethan b/c he has been sick....but no to my surprise it was brooke laying peacefully right next to me. i put my arm over her tummy and she just laid there looking at me and then fell back asleep. for those that may seem like this is not worth much at all.... for 19 months brooke has not let me lay w/her, sit w/her, be in any close proclamation w/her before i'm head butted, hit, knocked out, pushed out, or screamed upon. it was a precious surprise in the night and i'll be holding on to this one ALL DAY LONG.
"this is the LORD's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes" ps. 118.23
we've had a good day (wednesday). she seemed calm at home...ate good...and laughed alot. bill and i were just saying to each other how great it is to have her home after 17 months away from us. there's nothing like her smile....there's nothing like consoling her when she cries or seems upset or nerveous.
school ends on may 23....we have our summer set. our therapist will come in 40 hours a week...she go to school for 2 weeks in both june/july.
the new things brooke did today was saying "watch and potty (or at least something like it). i've been reading a book by john piper called "don't waste your life".....man, it's good and gripping my heart. dying daily never ends does it? it just goes on and on and on...and today...i lay open my fist and say "here God"....i cannot do it. He is my strength and as of late my comforter and guide. I won't let my life waste away---i've got tooo much to tell others about what God is doing and has done.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I have been asked numerous times what chelation means....and even though brooke is in her first round of chelation i'm quiet new at this to give a good definition or a way to explain....so i looked something up for to better describe:
"What is Chelation? Chelation (pronounced key-LAY-shun) is a term derived from the Greek chele, meaning "claw." A chelation agent is a chemical agent that, like a claw, grabs and chemically bonds with metals or other minerals and toxins. Simply put, chelation is the process in which chemicals bind with minerals. While chelation is a naturally occurring biological process (hemoglobin binds with iron to provide oxygen to tissues), synthesized chelation agents were first developed during World War II as a way to clear toxic metals from the body. Chemists discovered they could create a heterocycling ring of molecules which surround or "sequester" mineral molecules and carry them from the body through normal elimination.
This process of chelation actually removes unwanted metals from the bloodstream. In fact, chelation therapy is the only way to treat lead poisoning. But lead is not the only metal cleansed from the body through chelation. A chelation agent will also bind with most metals, mineral deposits, calcium-based plaques and other chemical toxins. Because of its positive impact on the bloodstream, chelation therapy has proven to benefit a number of medical conditions."
so....there ya go for those that might be interested. also, i'm sending the a letter that dr. usman wrote explaining her practice that i think you will find interesting:
Dedicated to the memory of Priya Iona Agrawal, My guide, teacher, daughter, and inspiration
The vision for True Health Medical Center came from my own personal experience with the medical profession. Having grown up in Indiana and having attended Indiana University Medical School, I was trained to think in a very traditional manner about medicine. After my residency in family practice at Cook County Hospital in Chicago I began questioning my role as a physician and healer. By then I had 3 children, one with severe asthma and food allergies, one with juvenile onset diabetes, one with chemical sensitivities, and one child on the way. I wanted my attention to shift from treating the symptoms of disorders to treating the underlying cause of the disease. I searched for answers to my questions about why my children and so many children in epidemic proportions are suffering from chronic degenerative autoimmune disorders, such as asthma, allergies, juvenile arthritis, juvenile diabetes, mood disorders, attention-deficit disorder, ADHD, and autism spectrum disorders...
The mission in opening THMC comes from my journey to help my own children with these chronic disorders to lead productive and healthy lives. This simple dream has been shattered for so many. My goal as a physician is to use evidence based research and functional medicine to provide possible solutions and to help rebuild hope for families with children in the autism spectrum. Being the senior medical attending physician at the Pfeiffer Treatment Center for 5 years paved the way for my interest and passion in treating children on the autism spectrum which I believe includes ADD/ADHD. At Pfeiffer, I was actively involved in researching Copper/Zinc, free Copper, and Metallothionein imbalances. There, along with Mary Haakenson, PAC, and Bill Walsh, PhD, I developed a Metallothionein Promotion Therapy Protocol for Autism which has been quite successful.
However, over the years most of my knowledge and growth has come from trying to help my patients and their families. They have made me relearn the basics of chemistry and biochemistry and research areas which I was unfamiliar with. Because of my patients, I am actively involved in the Defeat Autism Now movement, which advocates treating affected children using a biomedical approach. This movement has also brought to the forefront the dangers of mercury leading to auto-immune disorders in susceptible families.
I believe that True Health can be achieved by transforming the mind, body, and spirit back to their natural state utilizing tools nature and modern medicine provide. Using the aid of neutraceuticals (vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fatty acids, enzymes, natural hormones, etc.), pharmaceuticals, herbals, homeopathics, and probiotics..., the patient and family can begin their metamorphosis. This transformative journey takes creativity, motivation, and determination, but its rewards are immense.
The journey begins here.
Anju I. Usman, M.D.
i know that this was lengthy...but for those looking for info....here ya go.
Monday, May 15, 2006
this is laura and brooke today. laura is one of our fantastic therapist. brooke had a good day at home. meal time went well....shower and hair time went well too. We gave her her clothes to put in the dirty hamper...and she put them in the hamper w/o laura saying ANYTHING at all. these moments we praise God for....we praise brooke....we just praise!
at school things didn't go so well....seemed restless and disturbed. we will keep working on getting her comfortable there.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
today was the last of the first round of chelation. i can tell something is going on w/her. she seems unsettled and confused. the backward step has begun of which we have expected. in fact i know i'll see more backward steps before the forward. this part is hard...the aggression is worse...the not knowing is difficult to swallow...and the wondering of "is she hurting" keeps creeping in my mind.
ethan (our youngest boy) has been admiring flowers lately---he'll bring me a flower almost everyday from the yard and tell me he loves me. it's so precious. b/c of that i've been noticing the flowers he gives me....today they gave me a solitare rose.....that needed water badly. even as i type this as ethan sleeps he'll awake w/the flower in a vase by his bed hoping that it will be recovered. I'm remined of this w/brooke. she isn't well...i know this and it does make me sad that she isn't well like you and i are well. in fact, the doctor told us that she has been sick so long she doesn't even know what "well" means. it is my ambition to bring water to the weary, to the hurt, to the broken-hearted, and mainly to my own flesh and bone.....to give her water (in whatever essense that may be). this is my hearts cry...and one day the weeping flower will rise up and extended herself to the Son. If not here on this earth...i know it will happen in Heaven. Boy-i can't wait for that moment to appear.------dani
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I know what it is like to experience loss...
I know what it is like for my heart to be so burdened and hurt...
I know what it is like to know fear, failure, fatigue...
I know what it is like to live w/o someone you love...
I know what it is like to experience such anxiety that it eats away at every part of your being.
However....I do know what is like to experience the wonder of being alive by the laughter of brooke for no reason at all, for a look right in the eye for no purpose, for reaching a goal you've worked weeks and weeks on, for the simple things that can be compared to "gold", and for knowing that our Father doesn't make mistakes or flaws of any kind. It is hard to embrace pain...to walk in it not knowing when you'll be able to walk out. Today i've thought of these things...how far we've come and how far we need to go. It's so heavy at times that it seems hard to swallow. I'm determined though...to go the extra mile for the one that has taught me how to step out on faith. I'm determined to serve, know, worship my God even if healing never comes. Help me Jesus...i pray.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
This was Molly and Brooke today. Molly is one of the three therapist that work w/brooke. Brooke was interested in Toy Story in this photo...but it's cute! We went on an outing to walmart which went surprisingly well.
She stayed right w/us and was patient as we went thru the check out line. (a first for that!)
The IEP went well today as goals were set for her. i'm excited to get started working on them at home. Tomorrow we start chelation. I'm a bit nerveous and also so excited to start this process. i've heard many things...one being we won't see results (results being clearer vocalization, clearer thinking...but also a possiblity of bad behaviors) until mid June. So we will see. My hope is on nothing but God in this...Thanks to all who have been praying for her "transformation", if you will. The prayers of the righteous are not in vain. Continue to pray as we make decisions concerning behavior therapy and bio-medical approaches.
thanks and love....
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
PHP 1:12 "Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, 13 so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everyone else, 14 and that most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more courage to speak the word of God without fear."
My pulpit....my circumstance that HE has given me is not in vain...I will proclaim Christ and Him crucified.
Monday, May 08, 2006
some things though just make your day on a rainy day, that is. great ice-cream...friends that know you are having a rainy day...no need to make dinner because it just so happens someone prepared it for you.
can you tell i'm weary...or do i need to write it out in block letters. there something about the rain...i can't seem to put my finger on it completely. maybe it's the change it brings. change is hard....acceptance is hard.
God...bring your cleansing rain on me...to change me, make me, mold me. i am need of You now.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
the weekend has been pretty okay. i'm always extra tired on sunday night. we have an IEP on thursday this week. this is always draining just to think about. i've been thinking on this phrase all day "one day at a time". there is so much to think on...chelation (which we start friday), summer routine, behaviors, diet,money...
Saturday, May 06, 2006
i'm being transformed....sometimes i fight it...sometimes i accept it...it is a journey...i wouldn't trade it what it for what i know now.
"I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear: but now my eyes sees you" Job. 42. 4
His embrace has captured my heart and my deepest fears.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
with your head leaning on my head you hug me
with your hand on my hand you touch me
with your eyes you look into mine
and we become mind-readers
with your ears you hear my words and i am mommy
with your feet to the ground you run with passion
with your tears strimming down I wonder
and with your mouth you say no words
but you say everything.
- Espe-she has taught me everything i ever wanted to know about austism
- Julie (from scotland)-she has taught me the other things i ever wanted to know about austim
- becky (from my prayer group)
- tammy fleming (")
- jealyn (")
- kathy (")
- colbi (therapist)
- lori lipsey
- learning tree staff and therapists
- joe/annette carson
- ms. king
- wooley spring church family
- wooley springs joy ministry
- laura (therapist)
- molly (therapist)
- kristin (therapist)
- amy allen (my other mom)
- heather haney
- trish (from colorado)...my mail angel
- stephenie (gf/cf helper and friend)
- janet daily
- charlotte woo
- and to everyone else i left out
Thank you so much for the love you give to Brooke. It may seem like she doesn't understand...but i have a feeling one day she will!
my love and thanks,
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
ya just wanta scream.....well, i'm having one of those days! (brooke is too for that matter) This could be the very reason why i want to.
"evening, and morning, and at noon, will i pray, and cry OUTLOUD: and He will hear my voice." ps. 55.17
I love my God...for He understands me like none other.