long day

it has been a very long day. the void that is in my heart tonight as i'm about to go to bed is heavy...yet fully aware the Lord has her and is resting with her tonight. i'll share more when we arrive back in town for our service is not well.

transition

brooke's move today was very smooth. she is now adjusting to her new school at the learning tree. we do not have internet access to share pictures or express details. please continue to pray for this transition that is affecting our whole family. i will have more information to share on thursday. thank you for your prayers. (shared by cherie, dani's sister).

door of Hope

my dear friend Robin and i were talking early this week about a passage of scripture that has NOT left me. "I am now going to allure her and lead her into the wilderness to speak tenderly to her" (Hosea 2.14). Michael Card, song-writer and author, says that it is in while we are in the wilderness that is where our worship is. It goes on to say in Hosea i will give her the door of HOPE. Hope just happens to be my favorite word in Bible...this alone "allured" me to this passage years ago.

Brooke and i will both be going into the wilderness this week (not leaving out the rest of our family). In this wilderness I'm asking the Lord to speak tenderly to Brooke. To speak kindly to her. To affirm her. To give her a door of hope. To assure her.

I love you Brooke. Jesus has got you, baby. He has me too. For this...I'm eternally grateful...our doors await us.

yet...

it's been a tough few day for me, to be honest. i'm hurting...and the distance that will be between brooke and our family is difficult. i'm confident the Lord has her...and the entrustment. I'm grateful that I serve a God, Jesus Christ that goes before us...knows our circumstances, and is intimately acquainted with our ways. so with this i say, even though....yet, i will praise....in fact, i have to praise! He is enough...and i'm in that moment with Him. it is the safest place to be as uncomfortable as it may seem.

moving day

monday is moving day.

if interested, their website is www.learning-tree.org

brooke....

it's momma....

i miss you, but will get to see you on Monday. We will drive down to Mobile to your new school. The Lord has His hand on you baby. Your daddy, josiah and ethan, and momma love you so much. I am praying for you. May His shade cover you and protect you as you go throughout your day. Don't be afraid, for He alone is with you.--momma

Joy is given...

read this a couple of days ago and was encouraged with these words by amy carmichael:

Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given. A thing that is lent may be taken away; a thing that is given is not taken away. Joy is given; sorrow is lent. we are not our own, we are bought with a price, "and our sorrow is not our our own", is it lent to us for just a little while (sometimes i wonder what "a little while really means) that we may use it for eternal purposes. then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father's gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe all tears from off all faces. so, let us use this "lent" thing to draw us nearer to the heart of Him Who was once a Man of Sorrow (He is not that now, but He does not forget the feeling of sorrow). Let us use it to make us more tender with others, as He was when on earth and is still, for He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities.

i say no more....

(this is a picture of amy)

to learn more about amy carmichael and her ministry go to:

www.amycarmichael.org

being still....

while i wait on the Lord. Comfort brooke Lord during this transition. Comfort us as more and more distance comes between us. Heal us Lord....we need your touch.

what i'm learning....

my intimacy with the Lord is greater than my circumstances, pain, or suffering. i will not give up being bold for Christ...for one person or for my present circumstance.

thoughts

brooke will NOT move on the 6th to Mobile...but she will move on the 13th of October.

i've been thinking on this statement a friend said to me...all day long. thought i'd share:

"it is hard for man to recognize the total depravity of his own flesh unless he were to journey closely, deeply, faithfully, and trustingly with the Lord God most high."

up to the moon!

i love and miss you up to the moon (and back!)

wishes/Heaven/trust

first off...Happy Birthday tomorrow to my precious sister!
___________________________

I have a dear friend in Scotland....Julie. Her son, James is autistic. i met her thru the internet. I'm grateful for her dear friendship over the years we have known one another. there is nothing....nothing like talking to another mom who knows the ends and outs about autism. in a moment of distress she emailed something i had to share:

" I guess God pretty much hates autism too. One thing we will definitely NOT find in Heaven, thankfully. And there we will REALLY hear our kids sing.

Can you imagine how much MORE special it will be for them, even than for us, since the reality they have known so far has been so confusing.........................when it all becomes clear AND AMAZING AT THE SAME TIME - how big will that be for them??!!" thanks julie...i love you and i hope to meet you this side of Heaven.
__________________________

Trust...the simplicity of it all.
Why the maze we go through?
Letting go...the liberty of it all.
Why the entaglement of holding on?
Security...the assurance of it all.
Why the instability we pursue?
(dani-ga)

september visit

in the nile

If you have never had the opportunity for in-depth Bible study, let me suggest Bible Study Fellowship (http://www.bsfinternational.org/). I talk about it in my book, Little by Little. Tremendous and rich study of specific books of the Bible. I have been involved in BSF on and off for 9 years. Our study in "The Life of Moses", (which covers several books of the Old Testament) started up a couple of weeks ago for us. i won't go into the details of how BSF works; however, i will tell you, as you allow the Holy Spirit to speak, it will change your life as it has mine throughout the years.

Today was no different. We are in chapter 2 of Exodus. It was just 10 verses that captured a picture i'll never forget. (if you have the time, read them). If you remember with me...Moses was born and 3 months later was placed in a basket in the Nile. As Moses' sister watches him go down the Nile, Pharaoh's daughter was bathing and sees the basket with Moses inside. Later we see he was cared for by a nurse and nursed by 'a baby's mother'. Shelter. Protective. Sovereign. these are just a couple of words i see God is in this passage. As our teaching leader taught on this passage I felt almost crippled and gripped by each verse and word spoken. For this is what the Lord taught me:

as you know Brooke will be going to another facility in a couple of weeks. this means brooke being with people i haven't even met, being in a different city than us, being raised in a house different from ours, and basically...being away from me-her mother; furthermore, her family. as i sat there today God allowed me to see not Moses in that basket floating down the Nile, but Brooke. He said. ..."dani, put brooke in the basket...and let her float down the Nile", i have her protected..trust me, those that will get her will care for her...will you trust me? She will get everything she needs, just trust me". then, in the midst of all this our teaching leader shares "the Lord neither slumbers/sleeps"...which is my brooke passage Psalms 121. i leaned over to a friend of mine who knows me and brooke, and i said to her...that is from Ps. 121..that is my brooke passage! about that time...our teaching leader says "that is a passage i believe from ps. 121." Hah...! oh my!

I walked away praying, "oh Lord, i want to be faithful, faithful to trust You, faithful to believe what You say, You will do." This Word from the Lord came at a time that was never-the-less perfect, but isn't that the way the Lord works...as a friend of mine says, it's not about time for Him...it's His timing. Today will stay with me for a long time...He knew what i needed...and He gives what we need. I'm grateful for His voice...still, small, quiet voice that shakes and rattles my world.


Brooke, honey, you are safe! For there are no better hands than His...and that is where you are!

nothing like it

today our dog, Trudy (golden retriever), had 12 puppies! it was amazing! this hasn't been the first time I've seen puppies being born...but today when she had them i noticed something that made me consider something. right after the puppy is born (eyes still closed), she smells the mommy and goes to find nourishment and comfort. i just think that is just the coolest thing...the instincts they have amaze me and there is nothing like it.

on Friday i walked into brooke's classroom, after not seeing her for a few weeks, our eyes met, and she got up to come to me...I'd say to find nourishment (in some fashion) and comfort. Let me just say, there is nothing like it. nothing like being in a room with lots of commotion and fixing your eyes on something that will in someway bring you comfort or love.

the same with Jesus...scripture says 'let us fix our eyes on Jesus" (Hebrews). His eyes, His touch bring nourishment, yes, and comfort...and let me say....there is nothing like it!

changes

we recently had a meeting to decide when brooke will be moving to the Learning Tree....Oct. 6. I'll be driving down to get her and then continuing on to Mobile. I would ask that you would pray for brooke. Changes for her are hard and it brings much anxiety. there will be alot of changes for her in the next few months. some changes will be hard for her as she learns a different approach in learning, new people, and surroundings. My prayer has been and will always be for her Psalms 121. Join me, if you would, in praying this passage over her...and for her.

i'm thrilled she will be coming home for a home visit (probably one of her last, considering we will just have a visits w/her down there due to travel time). I'll get her on thrusday and take her back on saturday. It'll be good to have her home!

God is good and has been good to lead us back to The Learning Tree. God is good to lead us, period!

dearest brooke,

i know today was hard for you. i wish i were laying beside you while you sleep. i love you baby!
momma

learning that...

He is enough!

lament

Yesterday was difficult for some reason....i missed Brooke so much. Her little face kept popping in my mind, every little thing reminded me of her. Every morning during my time with Jesus I read "Streams in the Desert". Yesterdays reading was very appropriate for my sadness. I wanted to share what i read because in it is a small word I think we overlook...at least I do. It's bringing me into a new awareness when my lament is just too much.

"perhaps the circumstance causing my sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same (we believe this is true in our case), but IF Christ is brought INTO my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance" (ps. 32.7) To see Him and to be sure that His wisdom and power never fail and His love never changes, to know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of sorrow, pain, and loss, 'The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, my the name of the Lord be praised'" (job 1.21)

Into, as if you didn't guess, is the word i was speaking of. In Michael Cards book, "A Sacred Sorrow", says it perfectly when he writes, " The true answer for a lament of disease is not ultimately a cure. The real solution for a lament of financial distress is never money. The answer is always found in the Presence of God. It is rarely what we ask for, but it is always what we ultimately need."

Holy Spirit, thank You for Your Presence You give...for comfort, guidance, healing, just a touch, a word spoken that never ceases/fades. I'm grateful for the gift. The Presence of God is what i desire...and, yes, what i ultimately need.

exodus...

i recently started a study in exodus. this is one of my favorites in the Old Testament. I've only gotten to chapter one and i've been encouraged with these thoughts...what God says, He does. All throughout scripture we find this to be a fact. He does what He says! Funny thing about this is not all the time do we get to "see" what He does. however, what He asks us is to just trust that it will happen. Another funny thing is, yes, sometimes we do get to see what He does and what a wonder!

I'm not sure why Brooke is autistic...however, i do know i need, have to, depend on, rely one, reach out to, search for, embrace the God who is working on my behalf. Furthermore, who is working on Brooke's behalf. What He says....He will do it. Trust, the simplicity of it all-if you really think about it.

(btw, for the ladies i got a chance to worship with recently, and you know who you are, I love you! I only hope the Lord captures your heart as you walk worthy of Him, that you come to understand and know the love that will never let you go, even as we try to push it away at times, that you grasp the wisdom of His word, that you seek to praise in every circumstance of your life no matter how hard or how easy it may be. He is with you...butterflies go out to you!)

a sacred sorrow

i've been reading this book, A Sacred Sorrow, lately. there have serveral things that have jumped off the page w/me, here is one of those quotes:

"We are all tempted to lose hope, to let go. We all face the
enemies of disease and death. The terrible truth is we are, all of us, alone but for the One who waits on the other side of lament. He offers not solutions, but only His Presence. He bids us to give voice to our confusion and disappointment, even as His own Word gave them a human, flesh-and-blood voice. We might discover as well that even as we cry our to God, we are crying out with God."

I find myself today wrapped up in these words, wrapped up in His arms, His embrace, His Presence, His word. There is nothing that can satisfy our deepest need except Jesus and Jesus alone.

the move

as some of you know already, brooke will be moving to another facility. we are not walking on uncommon ground. the facility she will be attending will be The Learning Tree where she was before Glenwood. meetings will start next week, and the move will happen whenever we get everything in line. I have already visited the facility and her caregivers. we are anticipating only good things as we move forward. whenever i know something more permanent i will post it.

powerful statement

sometimes the greatest joys brings the greatest challenges

gotta love it!

i just love hearing Josiah (our oldest son) pray for Brooke.

It is the sweetest sound that daily rings in my ears.

Ya gotta love it!

something extra

there's something else i wanted to say about the last post. there is a passage in psalms (i don't have my Bible in front of me, or i would tell you the passage), that says "willingly i will sacrifice". wow. thinking of the past post i wanted to disect it a bit more...."yet, i will". the words, "i will" are just as powerful. thinking of my marriage of now almost 14 years we both exchanged the words, "I do", or "i will"....
Thinking on this passage has just made me think more on sacrificing to His (God's) will and not my own, His control and not my own, His power and NOT my own. Yet, "i will", willingly give, heed to, know more of, listen, give grace, show love, give w/o return, and yes, PRAISE.
Today, i'm Praising God for bringing me out of the pit.

YET...

what a word. man, it's small, but very powerful. the passage of scripture that i'm thinking of with this word is:

Habakkuk 3.18 "yet, i will praise You"

recently, i had a conversation with a friend about this very word. no matter what circumstances we endure we are encouraged to "praise" the Lord in the MIDST of tough times. UGH! i say. however, when i do submit into praising the Lord something happens...it cannot be described in words, but the Lord does something within us that gives hope, endurance, and peace. all thru the scripture we find the little word 'yet', maybe it's time to see what is on the other side of the word and take action to it. i'm challenged and encouraged to go on, move on, and more than anything Praise the Lord in the midst of my struggle!

the famous 20 questions

brooke...

1. what makes you smile?

2. what is your favorite color?

3. where would you like to be right now?

4. what do you think of the most?

5. what do you dream about?

6. mcdonalds or chick-fil-a?

7. what do you enjoy doing the most?

8. what makes you angry/upset?

9. do you have headaches?

10. what is your favorite fruit?

11. what is your favorite movie (besides 'dora')?

12. what brings you comfort?

13. what is one thing you would like to ask me?

14. what is your favorite toy?

15. what's the best part of your day?

16. what's your favorite food?

17. what makes you laugh at a tv show?

18. what flavor ice-cream is your favorite?

19. what makes you hurt?

20. how can i help you the most?

there are a million more questions i'd love to know the answers to. I may not ever know the answers...but i know who does. Jesus does. He is with you sweetie...and i know He meets your every need...to all your questions too. i love you--sleep well. ---momma

the exchange

it's sunday and brooke is back at school. we are back into our routine. our visit was good/fast. my parents came down for a quick visit...it's always good for brooke and my parents to exchange hugs/kisses/looks.

everyone usually asks, 'how does she do on the way back'? well, she does really well...until we get at the school. this time, as we reached the steps, she slapped me and paced back and forth. she looked sad and confused when i left. those times hurt and hit hard as a mom.

on my way back home i had the most unusal experience half-way home. i cannot share all the details "blog form", however, what happened gave me such a great exchange from being sad/selfish to praying for someone who was hurting just as i was. so, nicole, even though you have no idea who i am...God spoke to me thru you yesterday. I'm praying for you and i'm sorry for your loss.

tonight i'm grateful for the great exchange Jesus did when He died for me!

brooke...

...is home, and we are all smiles!


(this is NOT a recent picture. this is laura (therapist) with brooke)

another reminder

it's funny, as soon as i start talking about elephants i start remembering different things to say:

I was reminded by my dear friend in Chicago of this verse in Psalms 121.7-8

"the Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."

the whole psalm has ministered to me since brooke went to her first facility at age 7. Furthermore, at different times in my life, God continues to bring them up to encourage me, minister to me, and for me to even pray over these verses for her. Today, as we prepare for her visit tomorrow, i will be praying this verse for her. would you join me in doing so?

home visit

brooke's home visit will be this thursday-saturday....my parents will come over to see her on friday. we are expecting a better visit this time around.

pray for less anxiety on her part and an easy transition coming from school to home and then from home to school.

I can't wait to see you brooke! i love and miss you!

worth it

I cannot remember if i've ever shared a prayer that has ministered to me...if i have, it's worth sharing again...

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown
that to give is to receive
that the valley is the place of vision. Amen
(The Valley of Vision)

His timing...

I remember the day well. A dear friend Michelle and I would, almost always, go after church to the foyer and sing. There was a beautiful marble floor with glass windows surrounding the area. It was a perfect place to sing, for even if you didn't sound all that great, with the echo it gave, you sounded like an angel. We sang our usual song that day as we were almost the last to leave church, "Our God Is An Awesome God", by Rich Mullins. We were caught up in the moment when someone got our attention. A young man, his age unknown, said almost awkwardly, "I have a song to sing". So he began:

In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me everyday as your teaching me to pray that you do just what you say in your time.

I, personally was blown away. It brought tears to my eyes as i listened to this man, mentally retarded, sing to the Lord about His timing.

My mentor and friend tells me, "Dani, it's not God's time, it's His timing." His time table is much more different from ours...i assume that is why reliance, trust, dependence on Him is necessary in our walk with the Lord.

But i would have so say-I do get a bit frustrated with His timing. I want Brooke to get well, I want the Lord to respond quicker with things going on in my life, I need this prayer to be answered now! However, His way is perfect (ps. 18), His timing is perfect.

I will never forget the song that guy sang the day in the foyer at church. For it was not his voice, it was the attitude of His heart that i was listening mostly to. He was confident in the Lord's timing. I, too, desire the same.

remember

You all should know i love elephants. One thing about elephants is they have a great memory. as i say "elephants always remember". In Ephesians 2 the word "remember" is mentioned over and over again. I just had to share some thoughts the Lord spoke to me about...
v.4 "But God, being rich in His mercy...made us alive with Christ."
v.11 "Therefore, remember".
v.12 "Remember that you were..."
Remembering humbles me, gives us a reality check if you will.
I'm grateful that the Lord is NOT my accuser by my advocate when it come to "remembering". I do remember where i have been but also more importantly remember the precious love that was shed on me, poured on me, lavished on me. I'm grateful...blessed because of His kindness and riches (v7).
v.13 "but NOW in Christ Jesus you who were formerly far off (remember), have been brought near by the blood of Christ."....wow, what a picture to capture.

i too, cannot help but remember when we found out brooke was autistic at the early age of 4. Now, as she is 11, i can't help but see how far the Lord has brought me only closer to Him thru my sufferings and loss. Remembering can be a very powerful aspect of our walk with Christ.

another visit

brooke will get to come home again at the end of the month. hopefully this one will be much better!

btw, gina...are you still there?

dearest brooke,

sweetie, i miss your face. i wish to see you tonight. you would be in your bed right now at home...but i don't get the chance to check on you. I know the Lord has you and is right there w/you as you sleep tonight. I hope you have a fun weekend. You make me smile! i miss you more than you know.
i love you, momma.

waiting

there's a freedom when waiting on the Lord

Relief...

This summer has been hot, has it not? we have been outside everyday with the boys, when brooke comes home for visits, we have gone hiking, exploring, to the pool---um, i think EVERYDAY, and we've gone to creeks to catch little fish. When we've been outside in the hot, we've just needed a bit of relief. Relief. such a small word...but it's something i've thought on a lot lately.

Just yesterday i went to a place to spend some time with God...just me and Him. Boy, was it ever so good. As i was sitting there in the sun...looking over a beautiful river (Tennessee, i may add), i got soooo hot! It was tempting to just jump in. Near by i had an ice chest....i opened it up and grabbed my frozen water. Boy! Relief. I just put my tongue on it...and it was like my whole body felt it's coolness. As it melted just a drop hit my chest and once again the word came to my mind "relief". Now, you may think...what the heck is she talking about today--she has lost her mind.

A while back ago a dear friend of mine told me "a little encouragement from the Lord goes a long way". People may give encouragement (and boy, is it needed), and other things in life may ease the 'relief' in your life...however, just a drop, just a hint, just a word, just a dab, just a glimmer of His encouragement goes along way. I'm able to go further, move faster, or even wait longer.

Just a drop of the water on my tongue went a long way yesterday in the heat. Relief!

Better yet, I recieved relief from the Lord yesterday becasue of His encouragement He gave.

I hope you can find the time to do the same.

recent photos

2 Chron. 20.12

"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You".

I've spent the last couple of weeks facing loss, surprising victories, unexpected gifts, sadness, vast armies, unexplained peace, and answered prayers. I really don't even know how to start this journal entry...i have a field of emotions and thoughts racing thru my mind and heart as i type. However, this verse comes to mind. There are many things we are facing right now...too much to type and too intimate to share; however, as God's word says "we do not know what to do." Have you felt that way before...so many things at your feet...you have difficult dicisions to face, vast armies at your doorway, and a grief that never seems to leave you alone? Yet, i love what the latter part says: "but our eyes are on You." Peace. Oh, the Peace. The fight has already been won. It does not dismiss the pain, or the loss i may be experiencing. But it's in Him holding me, and knowing my eyes are on Him that brings the peace in the midst of pain. These past 2 weeks have been hard. Before, i would have ran (in every capacity). However, the Lord has been my sustainer. Yes, there are still choices to make, hard choices to make. There are still losses from friendships that i had cherished, there are still armies at my feet desiring me to fall. But my eyes are on Him.

Adding to that, Brooke's visit at home was hard. Her behaviors outweighed her "good" moments. Going to the mall--was walking in--then walking back out because it was just "too much" for her. Shower time too. It just seemed too much for her to handle. Slapping, hitting, bitting herself and others were her ways of escape. Walking at the park with her on Thursday was like walking towards a vast army too much for her to handle. We left. We had to give her medication (twice) to help calm her. I believe it did not work. "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You." I cried taking her back. Leaving her at Glenwood was difficult to do. I hugged her, as she let me. I did not want to let her go. Time stopped.

time goes. as i wept on the way down to glenwood a friend of mine read scripture to me over the phone. Ps. 18 came to mind. "His way is perfect". Sometimes, it's hard to see that when you are a mother. your daughter sick. thinking the solution would be "mom". she can fix anything. I, however, can simply do nothing...i'm a bit powerless...a bit in need...a bit overwhelmed by autism and the greatness of it. Yet, "His way is perfect". And so it goes. So it goes that God is in control and i SIMPLY am not. once again, i'm faced with the passage in chron....we are powerless before this "_________" (fill in the blank). yet, our eyes are on You...b/c you are in control, because your way is perfect, because....and...so it goes.

walking w/me

i'm not ready to share my thoughts as of yet; however, the Lord is my comfort. He is my sustainer and shield. He is walking closely with me and brooke today.

the return

all day long we struggled with the thought of taking brooke back to school. i just got home from what seemed like...the long drive. i have a heavy heart and a yearning for Jesus to hold me tonight. (more information on the visit tomorrow)

brooke.

brooke has had a hard day at home.

in the psalms

i'm in need of His comfort. i'm staying in the psalms for a bit to recapture, rethink, hibernate--if you will, hope, imagine, pray, pray some more, and then pray even more. my heart is heavy and i'm just in need of Jesus. I'm reaching!

my next posting will be after brooke leaves on saturday.

unexpected....

a dear friend of mine told me once..."when you are having your quiet time with the Lord, just go...and be w/Him. It's not that you have to "hear" from God...or get something wonderful and powerful from Him, but just being w/Him is all He wants; however, when you do hear something from the Lord, all man, it's the unexpected gift".

recently, the Lord gave me an unexpected gift far to valuable to describe. It is precious when the Lord gives you something you feel like you don't deserve, or may be even something you think you don't want. But He gives it. i never saw it coming. However, what God brought to me was valuable. I love the unexpected. the undescribed.

school starts back up on wednedsay for Josiah. i'll take ethan w/me to get brooke. Then ethan starts up on Thrusday. we are excited! I'm sure God will give some unexpected gifts this week...and i'll treasure those moments, the unexpected!
(thanks fred)

in the solitude

listening, reading, writing things out. i'm in a solitude. as mark 6 talks about: going out to a lonely place. I need some time...
brooke will be home wednesday. i'm excited for her arrival.

our grief

i cannot believe it is august 1.

I had something on my mind this morning, that i wanted to share out loud. grief. what a word, right. it carries many different emotions. this past week a dear friend of mines husband passed away. grief. this week i will say goodbye (for now) to a friend going into another ministry. grief. this week i witnessed seeing my daughter wanting to go w/me out the door of her school. grief.
i have experienced alot of grief this week, but not only this week, but in the past years. i've covered up my grief because i thought i was "above that", its not okay to do so, i must be strong, so-to-speak. However, in doing so, i messed up things even more than they were. just adding to my grief.
if, by chance, you are grieving today, allow the Holy Spirit to allure you into Himself and disclose Himself to you like only He can do. Life is full of pain, suffering, and hardship. I know that one too well. But to encourage you, as i, myself, am encouraged by this. Take heart, my friend, and know He is there, He cares for you more than many sparrows, His thoughts of you out weight the numbers of the sand, He desires to walk w/you in your grief...and as He does You will experience His fullness. You will experience His love. You will experience His comfort and kindness to you. So, never cover up your grief, but allow Him to minister to you in your grief, loss, pain, and suffering. Your relationship with Him will be sweeter than honey!

looking forward

wednesday (6th), brooke will be home for a couple of days. i cannot wait!

the iep went well, thanks for all those that prayed or thought of us. i did not get to see brooke. she was having a rough morning...and after the meeting they had gone out on an outing to the park.

today, i got a call from them saying another client had bitten her arm pretty good. it hurt me for her...i wanted to rush down and see her and just bring her home, but i could not. I hope she her little arm heals quickly....Lord Jesus, go quickly to aid and abide w/her as she sleeps.

what gives one hope?

-knowing today will turn into tomorrow

-knowing soon we will be spending eternity w/Jesus

-knowing that who i am today will not be who i will be with Jesus

-knowing one day brooke will finally say "momma" and know what that really means

-knowing the stars in the sky each are named by God

-knowing peace when you put your head on your pillow at night

-knowing friends that know things about you and still offer mercy to you

-knowing God has treasures in store for me-for me to have

-knowing that Jesus protects me-even when i don't know it

-knowing His mercies are new every morning

my favorite word in the Bible is Hope. there is a passage in Romans 5 that says "'and Hope does not disappoint". Tonight i'm hanging on to that truth. I'm tired. Weary. Heart-broken; yet, i have hope...and my God will not disappoint me. This I know...this is what gives me hope.

IEP/fresh air

IEP stands for individual education plan. Wednesday i'll be traveling back down for her meeting. i will not be able to see brooke that day, she has a dentist appointment and she will be kinda "out of it". these meetings are always important to us. they give a foundation of where she is and how we want her to improve in the next year. This past year we have seen little improvement, so we may have to go back a few steps in order for her to go forward. the meetings are almost always an emotional time for me as i see, hear, read where she is mentally. I'll be going alone for Wednesdays are always a hard time for Bill to get out of the office, especially for a meeting as such...for sometimes, they can be lengthy.

it was great to see her yesterday. my friend, kim and i went to see brooke for a quick visit...hence the pictures on the blog prior. the entrance to the house and her "seat" are easy targets. once i opened the door, she saw me and almost instantly got up. wow. I didn't want to look away. that moment lit up my face! she started to smile and then as if it were a script in a movie we both (it seemed in slow motion) ran towards each other. the embrace (always awkward) was great! i was reminded of my relationship w/the Lord. Even though we don't see Him, we read His word, pray to Him, and feel His embrace in ways we cannot express (sometimes awkward). Whatever the case, when our eyes meet (because more than likely I've looked away from Him), it is like a breath of fresh air has entered my heart. I never want to look away!

sunday's visit at Glenwood

torn into

tonight, my heart is torn into pieces. brooke is suppose to be home w/us right now. sometimes, i wonder if she knows it's time for us to get her and we don't come because situations have come up we cannot get around. at any rate, i'm torn into tonight. this week has been a difficult week other than that of brooke. life just hurts sometimes and this week has been a week of hurts. however, the Lord is there...being there. just there. not "removing" the situation, but calmly walking/sitting with us until we are done crying, or when we need His embrace.

tonight was a special night. i was able to go out on a boat with a family in the late afternoon. it was nice to just do nothing, be with close friends. it's nice you don't have to explain/express anything, but just being in anothers company is another way God gives His comfort.

I can't wait to see your face brooke. you sure make me smile! i miss seeing it.

what's for dinner?

there are so many days i have missed w/o brooke being by my side. when she left for her first facility at age 7, i never expected for it to be this hard. today she was suppose to come home for a home visit. this visit has now been delayed. however, in the next couple of weeks, she be home. this picture is typical when she does come home. i'm ususally fixing dinner, and she stands beside me until its done. (she must like my food). she then runs to the table and waits til i put it on her plate for her to eat. i'm anticipating her standing w/me soon to see what's for dinner.

protection

i have thought of this word all day. protection.
Webster dictionary says it this way: "supervision or support of one that is smaller and weaker". I know the Lord sees Brooke, holds her, watches expectantly over her...but this description of the supervisor brings to me a different look. i use to help my dad work on projects around the house. sometimes plumbing, sometimes putting shingles on a roof, sometimes the smallest thing of picking up leaves and putting them in a bag. my dad...just watched. i asked him from time to time, "why are you not helping?" his response was..."I'm supervising". i noticed, that my dad didn't move his eye off of me when i was doing a job, he was carefully observing if i did things correctly, and would correct me if it was done wrong. the same way, i know the Lord does this with brooke; however, differently. he carefully watches her--never budging. Protection. He is giving her support--support to the smaller and weaker. This gives me confidence, it gives me peace, and i know that because He does this (with us too), that He is madly in love with us. I'm grateful for His protection. grateful indeed!

His instruments

"your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father's hand to chisel you into shape for eternity. So, trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using, or you will miss the result of His work in your life."
i read this--this morning. I loved the truth to this as i am walking in my journey with the Lord.

instruments can be used in many ways, and come in many ways. recently, God has put a couple of different instruments in my life to buff me, purify my thought life, give me encouragement, and sustain me. but the way the Lord uses His instruments are amazing. like the quote said...never push away the instrument. boy, in my life, i've wanted and have pushed away the one thing that was going to hurt me...because santification does hurt. however, Christ didn't run away from the one thing (cross) that was going to hurt Him. Stand firm, my friend. the end result is a blessing and an amazing relationship with God.

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as for brooke, she will not be coming home this week, which makes me sad. bill is going to be gone for some of that visit and we all want to see and visit with her. however, like i said, she will coming home in the few weeks. i will get to see her on the 30th for a IEP meeting. this, as always, is an important meeting as we make desicions for the next year concerning her behavior and education plan. please be in prayer for this.

thank you for your concern and well-being over her life. God is not finished with her and i am excited to see what God will show us thru my little instrument!

little river canyon

little river canyon is such a beautiful place. my friend kim and i went on a camping trip to northeast alabama for a couple days...making the most out of nature. hey, we didn't do so bad! we had wonderful food we made over an open fire (stuffed mushrooms, squash, potatoes, zucchini, and a marinated chicken too tender to eat...plus you can't forget the unforgetable "hamburger"). We also saw some sights i had never seen before. the beauty God created and does create w/in us is breathtaking! isn't like our Lord to give us things we don't deserve. it's in His character. and if we sit just for a moment and listen we can see it. it's Him. it always has been.

brooke update

wanted to give somewhat of an update on brooke. she has had somewhat of a bad few weeks. she's been having some accidents at night these can tend to be stressful. because some of the children had chicken pox the facility was closed down...and students were not allowed to leave the area. now that this is over...finally. they are able to get out and do things w/in the community.
unfournetly we will not be able to get brooke this neek week as scheduled. bill is going out of town to help out another church and i would left with the extra duties we share. with that said, we have arranged anther time for her to be home so that everyone can visit with her...i think it's the second week in August. maybe i can take her to see my parents...i know they would love to see her. Please continue to pray for her. Somethings you can pray specificly for are her understanding of things, that she would use her words to express herself. (she has a low limit vocabulary). thanks for your prayers....even though we have to wait an extra time to see her, i hope to get down there for a couple of hours to be w/her, take her to lunch,....and then maybe see a friend of mine in Atlanta, God willing. Blessings to you!

habitation

the past few days i have harbored in my heart a passage of scripture i memorized years ago. Ps. 71.3 says: "Be Thou my Rock and my Fortress whereunto I may continually resort; You have given commandment to save me, You are my Rock and my Fortress". this morning i came across this word from amy carmichael that drilled in this passage once again. it came as a comfort to me in the early mornings. She wrote:

"Perhaps we are allowed to feel our nothingness, so that we may in the depths of our heart understand those words "Without Me ye can do nothing." I think there was something of this in our Lord Jesus' mind when he told the story of one who had nothing to set before his friend--not a crumb--and it was midnight. He will give us not just crumbs, but loaves--"He will rise and give him as many as he needeth.""

i don't know about you, but i can't do it. i cannot live without Him...and believe me, i have tried. I just messed up things more than what they were. It's in knowing that i am helpless that makes me see the broader picture. i NEED to be reminded daily to rely on Him. my old nature gets in the way though...so, i do need to be reminded daily to rely on Him. sometimes it's moment by moment, other times minute by minute, and lots of times i go on...little by little. to be honest, i like it this way because no one can reach my wounded heart except Christ. when i'm with Him nothing else matters, my bread of need is given to me and i'm in complete habitation. It's a longing. A thirst. A hunger.

my warrior

a friend of mine reminded me a scripture i just love:

Exodus 14.14 "the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still".

i love the thought of the Lord fighting on my behalf. i often feel as if i need to fight...fight off cravings, evil desires, my thought life...and so it goes. however, over time, i have learned that i cannot do this without the Lord's help. "you need only to be still". i'm the opposite of this, being still. thinking i can do it myself gets me in more trouble. pride. relying on the Lord to fight on my behalf is an encouragement to "hear", but putting it into practice and living this out daily is difficult until you try it. although i still need to be reminded (daily), that i cannot fight "things" off in my life, it's in the resting and in the being still that brings such peace; peace i hold on to.

He is my warrior. He gladly takes this responsibility and i love it!

busy

we have had a busy last couple of weeks. it's hard to believe we are in the middle of july. Brooke will be coming home in the next couple of weeks and i haven't been ever more ready! my world seems to stop revolving and it becomes all about her. i miss you brooke!

someday

there is a sign in brooke's room that says this saying, "someday my Prince will come". Brooke will never marry, but oh, she will dance with her Prince, Jesus one day. I long too, to dance with Him. grieving today.

not the same

the swing outside is empty.
there's no "dora" music singin' in the house.
brooke's bed is not messy.
biscuits are not made every morning.

our house is just not the same without you here sweetie. the lamp in your room will stay on (once again) until you come home for another visit.