"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You".
I've spent the last couple of weeks facing loss, surprising victories, unexpected gifts, sadness, vast armies, unexplained peace, and answered prayers. I really don't even know how to start this journal entry...i have a field of emotions and thoughts racing thru my mind and heart as i type. However, this verse comes to mind. There are many things we are facing right now...too much to type and too intimate to share; however, as God's word says "we do not know what to do." Have you felt that way before...so many things at your feet...you have difficult dicisions to face, vast armies at your doorway, and a grief that never seems to leave you alone? Yet, i love what the latter part says: "but our eyes are on You." Peace. Oh, the Peace. The fight has already been won. It does not dismiss the pain, or the loss i may be experiencing. But it's in Him holding me, and knowing my eyes are on Him that brings the peace in the midst of pain. These past 2 weeks have been hard. Before, i would have ran (in every capacity). However, the Lord has been my sustainer. Yes, there are still choices to make, hard choices to make. There are still losses from friendships that i had cherished, there are still armies at my feet desiring me to fall. But my eyes are on Him.
Adding to that, Brooke's visit at home was hard. Her behaviors outweighed her "good" moments. Going to the mall--was walking in--then walking back out because it was just "too much" for her. Shower time too. It just seemed too much for her to handle. Slapping, hitting, bitting herself and others were her ways of escape. Walking at the park with her on Thursday was like walking towards a vast army too much for her to handle. We left. We had to give her medication (twice) to help calm her. I believe it did not work. "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You." I cried taking her back. Leaving her at Glenwood was difficult to do. I hugged her, as she let me. I did not want to let her go. Time stopped.
time goes. as i wept on the way down to glenwood a friend of mine read scripture to me over the phone. Ps. 18 came to mind. "His way is perfect". Sometimes, it's hard to see that when you are a mother. your daughter sick. thinking the solution would be "mom". she can fix anything. I, however, can simply do nothing...i'm a bit powerless...a bit in need...a bit overwhelmed by autism and the greatness of it. Yet, "His way is perfect". And so it goes. So it goes that God is in control and i SIMPLY am not. once again, i'm faced with the passage in chron....we are powerless before this "_________" (fill in the blank). yet, our eyes are on You...b/c you are in control, because your way is perfect, because....and...so it goes.