just a touch

then the angel of the Lord came and touched him and said "get up and eat for the journey is too much for you". 1 Kings 19.7

i am weary and i must say the journey is too much for me. eating is a necessity and i don't mean physically although that is important...but spiritually for me, i have to....i need to...i'm nothing w/o it....it's unthinkable for me thinking i can manage w/o it....the journey is to hard...but His touch is worth it. His touch heals, binds, restores, gives rest.....and today i need a fresh touch from Him. To sit in His lap...to be sang over...to just sit w/no words spoken. "the angel of the Lord came and touched him".....will you come and touch me Jesus.

lavished

my sister and i share a favorite verse from 1 john 3.1 He lavishes His love on you. I love that word. Probably one of my favorite words....as an artist i can see the colors thrown on a canvas, i can see the mixture of paints blending together to make something unknown and kinda crazy. today i felt God's love lavished on me...

we went swimming today as shown in the picture. brooke had her way of lavishing water. we played little games of throwing her in the water...she loved it so much we made it into a therapy session..... she would attempt to say "mommy throw me". she said the "mommy" and "me" part....and then the huge reinforcement would be her being thrown....she would come up laughing. she loves the water. she loves to laugh. she has her way of lavishing her love...it's a different kind of love, but she does it.

let His love be lavished on you.

He sees

Does he who implanted the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see? ps. 94.9

oh, Lord i know you see...

a new view...

today has been good. in the picture here brooke is trying to finish the rest of molly's icee. the biggest news i have to share today is this:

Molly held up one finger and brooke said "one"...she held up two fingers and brooke said "two" ...she held up three fingers and brooke said "three"! NO prompting, no nothing! we were soooooo pumped up about this. i caught it on video but for some reason i couldn't get it displayed. it was the highlight of the day for us. the baby steps are coming along. even though bill and i have had the difficult decision of putting her in the Learning Tree now almost 2 years ago....we know that her being home is the best place for her now. she makes me smile...she makes me give more than i have sometimes....she makes me laugh...she makes me realize once again the little things in life are the greatest mysteries.

my shade

the only thing i have to say is:
Psalms 121
i need this verse written on my forehead/arms/legs/inplanted in my brain

it's chelation weekend...

updates

*round 2 of chelation starts friday
*experiencing bad yeast infections
*sounding out more words (echoing)
*independently toliet skills improving
*letting us sit w/her in den anytime we want to
*school is officially over; motherhood officially started
*transition into full-time home training (very demanding)

my rollercoaster

it's been a rollercoaster ride today. i've been thinking about rollercoasters today...the ups, downs, sideways, turning completely upside down...the kind that make you scared to death, the kind that make you cry, the kind that make you laugh outloud, the kind that make you so afraid w/fear, the kind that make you wish you would have never got on, the kind that make you wanta get on again and again and again. it's been an up and down day.....i've thought all these thoughts....and cried them outloud....and have even laughed over silly conversations. But one thing about rollercoasters that i've never thought of before is this......they stop. They do the ride, you pay for the ticket, you get in for the time of your life, it slams fast and comes to an intense slow.....and then w/o question it stops. I've used this this topic to describe lots in life...but i've never realized before that the rollercoaster does end....it does stop.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 cor. 8-9

so...the ride has stopped today and tomorrow may be another rollercoaster day but i do know that it will stop. i'm not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed. let the ride begin.

words are precioius

today brooke said "1, 2, 3" with NO prompting!!!!!

we've been working on this for about 5 days now. i was so excited i tackled & tickled her.

hurting/healing

it's been a good day. although brooke is experiencing some pain w/yeast infection we've seen some good strides. just friday kristin was going to work w/her in her room...brooke got up and went the the stairs and voluntarily said "up". (her therapy room is upstairs)...kristin got up and went up there....and they were able to work on some goals for about 2o minutes. another great thing is brooke has been saying "want ___" and she wants something... 2 word phrases are great and don't happen very often at all.
i'm doing better today-i have had a couple of anxiety attacks today....why, not sure.....i guess b/c i'm thinking of the next week to come. brooke's last day of school is tomorrow and it just makes me nerveous to think about. thankfully i have help (40 hours a week). this has been God's way of fighting for me and covering me under his wings. i love this picture of brooke....it makes me think that she is praying. I wonder if she prays what she prays for?
dani

tears

"Put my tears in Your bottle....this i know that God is for me" Ps. 56.8-9

today has been....overwhelming, tiring, long, distracting, painful, fearful, sad, weary... i'm so glad though that it is God that has been at my side for me to scream to, groan to, mumble with, and cry upon. some days seem harder than the rest and today was one of that for me...not brooke, just me. ....a look ahead and a look back...
as hard days come and they will, i'm so greatful that God doesn't leave me stranded but intead He reaches in, pulls me in, allures me into the wilderness, sings songs over me, calls me by name, sends friends to give a hug, cradles me in His arms and whispers to me, and plainly enough just there to listen to my hearts cry. How great is our God....He is my Shepherd I shall not want.
dani

time

Ec. 3. 1 "there is an appointed time for everything."

there is so much to think about when it comes to time w/me. sometimes it feels as if i've lost so much time w/brooke...and other days it's just beginning. thinking of this passage is comforting to me....knowing God is in control of time. time is God, God is time. though he waited to respond to mary and martha, he came in His timing. though we know not the time in which He will return, He knows very well when the trumpet will blow. though He knew very well the prodigal son would leave his father....he knew that in His time a feast...a celebration...a reunion will occur. although i'm way aware of the time...(the time of the loss, the gain, the frustration, the anger, the love, not-knowing, the depression, the anxiety, the excitement) that God has put me in...i know that it is for such a time as this. what is "this" one may ask? good question.....and i'm not sure what this is yet. for you see----i'm waiting and around the corner, the bend, or over the hill it will come. and as David writes "He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. then they were glad b/c they were quiet; (b/c they waited) so He guided them to their desired haven." My haven is coming...when i don't know...how i don't know...where i don't know....but He says to me..."there is an appointed time for everything"
dani

surprise in the night

I cannot tell you how elated i am this morning! about 4:oo this morning something (someone) awakened me from sleep. i thought it was ethan b/c he has been sick....but no to my surprise it was brooke laying peacefully right next to me. i put my arm over her tummy and she just laid there looking at me and then fell back asleep. for those that may seem like this is not worth much at all.... for 19 months brooke has not let me lay w/her, sit w/her, be in any close proclamation w/her before i'm head butted, hit, knocked out, pushed out, or screamed upon. it was a precious surprise in the night and i'll be holding on to this one ALL DAY LONG.
"this is the LORD's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes" ps. 118.23

dani

wednesday

we've had a good day (wednesday). she seemed calm at home...ate good...and laughed alot. bill and i were just saying to each other how great it is to have her home after 17 months away from us. there's nothing like her smile....there's nothing like consoling her when she cries or seems upset or nerveous.
school ends on may 23....we have our summer set. our therapist will come in 40 hours a week...she go to school for 2 weeks in both june/july.
the new things brooke did today was saying "watch and potty (or at least something like it). i've been reading a book by john piper called "don't waste your life".....man, it's good and gripping my heart. dying daily never ends does it? it just goes on and on and on...and today...i lay open my fist and say "here God"....i cannot do it. He is my strength and as of late my comforter and guide. I won't let my life waste away---i've got tooo much to tell others about what God is doing and has done.
dani

easy as 1, 2, 3

hot air balloons remind me of hope for some reason....can't put my finger on it actually. today we had a glimpse of hope today. since brooke has been home she has been so adversive sitting in a chair to learn (i think she got that from me ha/). it's been hard enough just to get in her space....to tickle her or say something to her w/o her hitting/slapping/or pushing us away out of her "space". tonight was a new night....a glimmer of hope...an assurance that something is happening. I was giving the boys a bath when i heard "laughter" coming from brooke's room. molly had gone in there laid on her bed and was doing "number flash cards w/her". get this....it lasted for 30 minutes! can you believe it. usually we are out of there in less than a minute....but 30 minutes, wow.....she was having so much fun saying "one, two, three" as molly flashed the cards and imitated the words to her. it was a precious sight....and it brought me hope. the kind of hope that makes you wanta wake up tomorrow and see what's around the corner...the kind of hope that makes you wanta try even harder than before...the kind of hope like a hot air balloon.
dani

what in the world is chelation?

I have been asked numerous times what chelation means....and even though brooke is in her first round of chelation i'm quiet new at this to give a good definition or a way to explain....so i looked something up for to better describe:
"What is Chelation? Chelation (pronounced key-LAY-shun) is a term derived from the Greek chele, meaning "claw." A chelation agent is a chemical agent that, like a claw, grabs and chemically bonds with metals or other minerals and toxins. Simply put, chelation is the process in which chemicals bind with minerals. While chelation is a naturally occurring biological process (hemoglobin binds with iron to provide oxygen to tissues), synthesized chelation agents were first developed during World War II as a way to clear toxic metals from the body. Chemists discovered they could create a heterocycling ring of molecules which surround or "sequester" mineral molecules and carry them from the body through normal elimination.
This process of chelation actually removes unwanted metals from the bloodstream. In fact, chelation therapy is the only way to treat lead poisoning. But lead is not the only metal cleansed from the body through chelation. A chelation agent will also bind with most metals, mineral deposits, calcium-based plaques and other chemical toxins. Because of its positive impact on the bloodstream, chelation therapy has proven to benefit a number of medical conditions."

so....there ya go for those that might be interested. also, i'm sending the a letter that dr. usman wrote explaining her practice that i think you will find interesting:

Dedicated to the memory of Priya Iona Agrawal, My guide, teacher, daughter, and inspiration
The vision for True Health Medical Center came from my own personal experience with the medical profession. Having grown up in Indiana and having attended Indiana University Medical School, I was trained to think in a very traditional manner about medicine. After my residency in family practice at Cook County Hospital in Chicago I began questioning my role as a physician and healer. By then I had 3 children, one with severe asthma and food allergies, one with juvenile onset diabetes, one with chemical sensitivities, and one child on the way. I wanted my attention to shift from treating the symptoms of disorders to treating the underlying cause of the disease. I searched for answers to my questions about why my children and so many children in epidemic proportions are suffering from chronic degenerative autoimmune disorders, such as asthma, allergies, juvenile arthritis, juvenile diabetes, mood disorders, attention-deficit disorder, ADHD, and autism spectrum disorders...
The mission in opening THMC comes from my journey to help my own children with these chronic disorders to lead productive and healthy lives. This simple dream has been shattered for so many. My goal as a physician is to use evidence based research and functional medicine to provide possible solutions and to help rebuild hope for families with children in the autism spectrum. Being the senior medical attending physician at the Pfeiffer Treatment Center for 5 years paved the way for my interest and passion in treating children on the autism spectrum which I believe includes ADD/ADHD. At Pfeiffer, I was actively involved in researching Copper/Zinc, free Copper, and Metallothionein imbalances. There, along with Mary Haakenson, PAC, and Bill Walsh, PhD, I developed a Metallothionein Promotion Therapy Protocol for Autism which has been quite successful.
However, over the years most of my knowledge and growth has come from trying to help my patients and their families. They have made me relearn the basics of chemistry and biochemistry and research areas which I was unfamiliar with. Because of my patients, I am actively involved in the Defeat Autism Now movement, which advocates treating affected children using a biomedical approach. This movement has also brought to the forefront the dangers of mercury leading to auto-immune disorders in susceptible families.
I believe that True Health can be achieved by transforming the mind, body, and spirit back to their natural state utilizing tools nature and modern medicine provide. Using the aid of neutraceuticals (vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fatty acids, enzymes, natural hormones, etc.), pharmaceuticals, herbals, homeopathics, and probiotics..., the patient and family can begin their metamorphosis. This transformative journey takes creativity, motivation, and determination, but its rewards are immense.
The journey begins here.
Inspiration/Determination/Transformation
Anju I. Usman, M.D.

i know that this was lengthy...but for those looking for info....here ya go.
dani

laura & brooke

this is laura and brooke today. laura is one of our fantastic therapist. brooke had a good day at home. meal time went well....shower and hair time went well too. We gave her her clothes to put in the dirty hamper...and she put them in the hamper w/o laura saying ANYTHING at all. these moments we praise God for....we praise brooke....we just praise!
at school things didn't go so well....seemed restless and disturbed. we will keep working on getting her comfortable there.
dani

the flower

today was the last of the first round of chelation. i can tell something is going on w/her. she seems unsettled and confused. the backward step has begun of which we have expected. in fact i know i'll see more backward steps before the forward. this part is hard...the aggression is worse...the not knowing is difficult to swallow...and the wondering of "is she hurting" keeps creeping in my mind.
ethan (our youngest boy) has been admiring flowers lately---he'll bring me a flower almost everyday from the yard and tell me he loves me. it's so precious. b/c of that i've been noticing the flowers he gives me....today they gave me a solitare rose.....that needed water badly. even as i type this as ethan sleeps he'll awake w/the flower in a vase by his bed hoping that it will be recovered. I'm remined of this w/brooke. she isn't well...i know this and it does make me sad that she isn't well like you and i are well. in fact, the doctor told us that she has been sick so long she doesn't even know what "well" means. it is my ambition to bring water to the weary, to the hurt, to the broken-hearted, and mainly to my own flesh and bone.....to give her water (in whatever essense that may be). this is my hearts cry...and one day the weeping flower will rise up and extended herself to the Son. If not here on this earth...i know it will happen in Heaven. Boy-i can't wait for that moment to appear.------dani

the bird nest

I've been so interested watching these birds around my house. there are nest it seems like everywhere i turn. i've been able to get so close to the "mother bird" as she waits paitently on her new arrival. the determination she has...especially last week when we had such a bad storm. i went to check on her and there she was sitting down almost like she was resting. I guess i can understand to some degree how she must feel. waiting that is. today the feather's have been somewhat ruffled though. although our target outing went very well; except for breaking a dish in the middle of isle, and touching a ladies face she did not know in the bathroom....things went fairly well. However, the aftenoon didn't go so well. The behaviors were no doubt....out of control. they haven't been this bad in quiet some time now. it could be the chelation...i'm really not sure.

Going back to the nest though....i'm struck to be remembered that God Himself has opened His wings and has surrounded me and brooke. Protection, yes. Refuge, indeed! Underneath are His everylasting arms. I've been encouraged by the birds God has brought my way...visually speaking. And as i sleep i'll remember as He has taught me that under His wings i can and will be safe...no matter what storm occurs, no matter what winds may bring, no matter if He's not visually there w/me....He'll come back to give me food....for the journey, the step out is the hardest part of learning how to fly.

dani

determined

"once you have experienced the seriousness of your loss, you will be able to experience the wonder of being alive" robert verninga

I know what it is like to experience loss...
I know what it is like for my heart to be so burdened and hurt...
I know what it is like to know fear, failure, fatigue...
I know what it is like to live w/o someone you love...
I know what it is like to experience such anxiety that it eats away at every part of your being.
However....I do know what is like to experience the wonder of being alive by the laughter of brooke for no reason at all, for a look right in the eye for no purpose, for reaching a goal you've worked weeks and weeks on, for the simple things that can be compared to "gold", and for knowing that our Father doesn't make mistakes or flaws of any kind. It is hard to embrace pain...to walk in it not knowing when you'll be able to walk out. Today i've thought of these things...how far we've come and how far we need to go. It's so heavy at times that it seems hard to swallow. I'm determined though...to go the extra mile for the one that has taught me how to step out on faith. I'm determined to serve, know, worship my God even if healing never comes. Help me Jesus...i pray.
dani

our day

This was Molly and Brooke today. Molly is one of the three therapist that work w/brooke. Brooke was interested in Toy Story in this photo...but it's cute! We went on an outing to walmart which went surprisingly well.
She stayed right w/us and was patient as we went thru the check out line. (a first for that!)

The IEP went well today as goals were set for her. i'm excited to get started working on them at home. Tomorrow we start chelation. I'm a bit nerveous and also so excited to start this process. i've heard many things...one being we won't see results (results being clearer vocalization, clearer thinking...but also a possiblity of bad behaviors) until mid June. So we will see. My hope is on nothing but God in this...Thanks to all who have been praying for her "transformation", if you will. The prayers of the righteous are not in vain. Continue to pray as we make decisions concerning behavior therapy and bio-medical approaches.
thanks and love....
dani

prayer info

Hey ya'll....it's been a good day today. The yeast is coming out...slowly but surely. Wanted to mention a few items of prayer:

• IEP Thursday @12:00
• Chelation (removal of heavy metals from brain) starts this Friday
• Smooth summer transition (school ends may 23)

my pulpit

PHP 1:12 "Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, 13 so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everyone else, 14 and that most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more courage to speak the word of God without fear."

What seems to be your pulpit? what do i mean.....? well....what seems to be the thing that makes you able to share w/others about Christ in your life? My pulpit just happens to be Brooke. I'm the Aaron in her life. My circumstances are different. Having a daughter is hard enough in this day and age....but having her her to be solely dependent on you... is straining and stressful. However, b/c of my imprisonment, if you will, it has become well-known of my faith in Jesus Christ being my Rock, Security, Cave, Refuge, Strength, Provider, Constant Friend who is w/me non-stop, Fighter, Advocate, Prayer Warrior. Oh...don't get me wrong I'm just as normal as any other....but at the same time I have a God that has forgiven me and gave me a new name. I'll be honest some days are much harder than others and i don't wanta face the world...but looking into her face and knowing God has it in His hands pushes me and urges me to make a difference not only for her...but for Christ.....to know HIM and to make Him known.
My pulpit....my circumstance that HE has given me is not in vain...I will proclaim Christ and Him crucified.
dani

something about the rain...

that i love. i'm not sure if it's the freshness...the cleanse...the smell. today seemed like a rainy day to me...i felt tired, like the rain makes you feel and you want to take a nap....although no nap came. No rest.
some things though just make your day on a rainy day, that is. great ice-cream...friends that know you are having a rainy day...no need to make dinner because it just so happens someone prepared it for you.
can you tell i'm weary...or do i need to write it out in block letters. there something about the rain...i can't seem to put my finger on it completely. maybe it's the change it brings. change is hard....acceptance is hard.

God...bring your cleansing rain on me...to change me, make me, mold me. i am need of You now.
dani

daily

the weekend has been pretty okay. i'm always extra tired on sunday night. we have an IEP on thursday this week. this is always draining just to think about. i've been thinking on this phrase all day "one day at a time". there is so much to think on...chelation (which we start friday), summer routine, behaviors, diet,money...

however i can't go there. i get so stressed out thinking about all that stuff....that i don't appreciate today's events...like her saying "kristin", or letting us sit w/her in the den for a whole movie, or her doing really well in

piggly wiggly pushing the cart as we grabbed 4 items on the fast-pace walk. so...today is all i'm given...and tomorrow...God has this in His hands...boy am i ever so glad!

dani

dreams

"our shattered dreams are never random. they are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. for the christian, it's always a necessary mile on the long journey of joy. It's an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with Himself...the journey to joy takes us through shattered dreams...to a life-arousing community with others, and to a powerful transformation of our interior worlds that makes us more like Jesus. " dr. larry crabb "shattered dreams"

i'm being transformed....sometimes i fight it...sometimes i accept it...it is a journey...i wouldn't trade it what it for what i know now.

"I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear: but now my eyes sees you" Job. 42. 4
His embrace has captured my heart and my deepest fears.

dani

hope

at first it wasn't a good day for brooke....the school called...horriable behaviors, etc....so i got on the phone to the doctor in chicago...b/c she is taking some new supplements to extract the yeast in her body.

when she got home she was so good! molly said the best ever since she has worked w/her. Yeah!!! However, the doctor did say that the supplements were probably extracting the yeast from her body and the next few days could be alittle rough. we had a good day w/her....w/extra low behaviors....

{this picture i took at the learning tree several months ago....

it reminds me of how traped her mind is

b/c of all the bad metals and such in her brain and gut....

but there's gonna be a day when those ropes are cut!

i can move on...go on...live on...hope on....

because I KNOW the end of this story!}

dani

poem

with your head leaning on my head you hug me
with your hand on my hand you touch me
with your eyes you look into mine
and we become mind-readers
with your ears you hear my words and i am mommy
with your feet to the ground you run with passion
with your tears strimming down I wonder
and with your mouth you say no words
but you say everything.

dani

thanks

this seems to be so BIG for such a little word....however there are people i need to personally thank and praise God for. I honestly know that brooke would not be where she is w/o the dedication and prayer and continual support you offer to her and my family. I'm eternally grateful. There are several people i would like to list out....i hope i don't leave someone out "cuz that would be embarrassing".

• Espe-she has taught me everything i ever wanted to know about austism
• Julie (from scotland)-she has taught me the other things i ever wanted to know about austim
• becky (from my prayer group)
• tammy fleming (")
• jealyn (")
• kathy (")
• colbi (therapist)
• lori lipsey
• learning tree staff and therapists
• tasha
• tammy
• joe/annette carson
• ms. king
• cherie/jeff
• wooley spring church family
• wooley springs joy ministry
• laura (therapist)
• molly (therapist)
• kristin (therapist)
• suzanne
• amy allen (my other mom)
• heather haney
• trish (from colorado)...my mail angel
• grigsby's
• stephenie (gf/cf helper and friend)
• janet daily
• charlotte woo
• and to everyone else i left out

Thank you so much for the love you give to Brooke. It may seem like she doesn't understand...but i have a feeling one day she will!

my love and thanks,

dani

books

I've been reading alot of books lately.....for those who know me....you know i'm not one to read. however, it's been in the reading that i'm learning to surrender, recover from losses, and continure to trust in the God who made me. the books are:

*Surrender by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

*Recovering from the Losses of Life by Norman Wright

*When i Lay My Issac Down by Carol Trent

These books have been so good, so if you ever get a chance to read any of these...i highly suggest it. Today has been a good day. Brooke had a pretty okay day...we've been working on us sitting down w/her in the den (for she hates it)...and we actually got to do that some today. In my quiet time this morning i was encouraged once again knowing that

His presence will go with me, and He will give me rest.

Ex.33.14

the biggest thing i've learned in the past few months is just how helpless i am. Trusting/Faith seemed like such easy words when i was a little girl....but when you have to depend on Him as helpless for the next day----it's much more than a word. It's a lifestyle, a moment by moment interaction, a common ground, an awareness, and then....a dying to self. I mean really dying....memorizing that w/a dear friend Michelle Elliott is priceless to me now. For me to live is Christ....and to die is gain....for me to give Brooke in His arms is nothing but gain to me....i do it daily, moment by moment....sometimes w/hesitation and frustration...but i got to do it. These books and especially God's word has taught me such things. I'm not there yet....but i know that as a God has said He who called is faithful. It's my only HOPE. This is my rest.

dying.....

dani

sometimes....

ya just wanta scream.....well, i'm having one of those days! (brooke is too for that matter) This could be the very reason why i want to.

"evening, and morning, and at noon, will i pray, and cry OUTLOUD: and He will hear my voice." ps. 55.17

I love my God...for He understands me like none other.
dani