lastest photos

the valley of vision

Lord, let me learn the paradox:
that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, and the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, and the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine; Let me find thy light in my darkness, thy life in my death, thy joy in my sorrow, thy grace in my sin, thy riches in my poverty, thy glory in my valley. (from the book the valley of vision)

we had a good weekend with brooke. she got upset at some NEW things we did...overall....it was good. i'll get to see her this sunday for a short visit. I'll be updating soon with pictures from our last couple of visits.

Easter weekend

Brooke will be coming home for Easter for a few days. We are excited about her visit home.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter...we all have a reason to celebrate because of what Jesus has done for us! PTL!!

autism specialist anyone?

just wondering...does Brooke remember me when i'm not around...or down the hallway from her bedroom? Does she know the difference with time? Some answers i'd love to know. But then again, do I?

oh , God... speak kindness to me and to Brooke. Be our Shade.

so, how are you?

Many people have been asking how Brooke was doing. Thank you for asking!
She is doing okay. At school, Brooke is being asked to do more--now that she is getting settled. This of course is bringing out some behaviors. Her behaviors lately have been bitting her arms. At times, for a weekend visit, she has come home with bruises up and down her arm. It is a bit hard to see; however, we have seen worse. Just grateful it is not another intensive behavior although we would like to see this one gone. She is on medication for her behaviors. Her behavior program and coupled with her medication seems to help some. Her words have been "few" during a home visit. The words she used to say with us, she does not say much of anymore. She has become a bit more quiet than she used to be. I still am quick to get her to say as much as i can while she is home. I'm sure at Glenwood they are doing the same thing. At the group home she does well, with less behaviors. It is a bit more laid back than the school setting; yet, they do have chores and things for her to do. She is doing well with potty-training and are seeing less and less accidents. :) So, to sum things up...brooke is maintaining. Nothing more and nothing less. That leads to the next question.
How are we doing as a family? Thanks for asking! We all are doing well with the adjustment. Some days are harder than others. It hasn't even been a year since Brooke left for Glenwood. There is always a void, not just from a mothers standpoint. Josiah and Ethan are quick to pray for her. Her room is still being used-for hide and seek, playroom, a place to ponder (on her swing-in her room), and for an extra bed when OURs gets way too packed! ha. We seek HIM, we get by, we live, we have hope, and we dream til we see her again. Then it starts back all over again. So, that is how we are doing....how are you?

brooke's week

Glenwood folks will celebrate Brooke's birthday on the 5th. I got to see her briefly today at the team meeting. The meeting went well...alot more to share on that....we will try another day. My little book will be done this week. Yah Who!

i must admit...it has been a tough week so far. With brooke turning 11, i realize more the task at hand. Yet, i know that God is way more than we can imagine. So, with that...i'm looking forward. Even though the heart hurts.

birthday wishes

Brooke will be coming home this Wednesday for her February visit. We will celebrating her 11th birthday. WOW! i actually cannot believe she will be 11 on March 6! Happy Birthday Brooke!!!

finders...keepers

ethan, my youngest, took this shot as we drove home from seeing brooke. i have found a great passion finding crosses in really weird places. The cross in this picture is on the right side. You may have to double click to see it better. At any rate, I love this shot--especially since it was taken by ethan. I find that in the hardest places in life we can always see the cross...that is if we are looking for it. And man, when we find it comes a pouring out of mercy-grace-love. That pouring is being poured out on me...the very sinner that i am. I'm grateful for the cross.

song

ya want to stop brooke in her tracks..? just start singing:

"Jesus loves me this i know...for the Bible tells me so...little one to Him belong...i am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me...Yes, Jesus loves me...Yes, Jesus loves me...the Bible tells me so."

The look she gives is one you don't wanta miss! (no matter what you sound like)

what a visit!

we had a great visit w/brooke. We were sitting in the kitchen eating and Josiah said "mom, i can't wait til we get to Heaven,
because Brooke is gonna talk!" I said "She sure is Josiah." He returned with "I wonder what she'll say--it'll sure be alot!" ha...
Man, i loved that.
Our visit was filled w/smiles, love, hugs, and relaxation. She enjoyed some Mac N Cheese right before she went back to Glenwood on Saturday. Thanks to our dear friend carolyn for the mac n cheese, your food is always a hit!

coming home...

brooke will be home for a visit from thursday (feb 14)- til saturday (feb 16). we are all looking forward to a well-needed visit.

away

I hope to give a full update on Brooke's progress, more pictures of her and our recent visit, and future plans for April (austism awareness month) soon...so stay tuned in.

Saturday

we did not bring brooke home on thursday but went to see her on saturday. we had a good visit w/brooke.

i can't explain it...

but one thing i do know is that I have walked upon an oasis. The refreshment of God's word is allowing me to feel alive. It's Hope. I'll be here for a while. Thank you God for the hope you have sent my way and still send and give me daily. i just can't explain it.

jeremiah 29.11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

looking ahead

i'm looking ahead towards thrusday. Brooke comes home for a well-needed visit! if you live in my area, please come by and see us...she's changed alot. this picture shows how tall she is now.

just above...

recently when i flew out to colorado i noticed as everyone does....after you go thru the clouds there is the blue sky. I'm reaching toward the blue skyin the midst of sorrow/betrayal/brokenness/grief. What's super great about this is....w/God, even in the clouds...He is there to bring comfort and help. The blue sky is just a bonus. recently i met someone w/the same suffering as i have and lived...she shared a verse w/me that i can not seem to get out of my mind.

Isaiah 58:11
"And the LORD will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places,
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

bring on the rain.!

rain down

the rain is falling hard here today. my heart is flooded with thoughts of Brooke. What is she doing? What or is she saying anything? Does she miss me when i'm gone? Does she know i'm not there? I want so badly to bring her home....that was my life....now, it's empty w/her gone and i'm left with the daily thoughts of her (my daughter). Just when you think the grieving is starting to fade it jumps back up in your face once again. the rain will pour down here all week i believe. The thoughts of Brooke will never fade from my memory and heart. What is it Brooke that you think of and what floods your mind? i so would want to know. i love you!

sunday's visit

we had a good visit w/brooke yesterday at her house. she seemed tired and kinda 'out of it'...it's got to be the medication she is on. she will come home at the end of the month.

grieving

I remember like it was yesterday. The day of her diagnosis and the paperwork (they showed us) there in black and white penned in was written “mild mental retardation with autistic features”. I was at a complete loss of words. Occupational and speech therapists became regular visitors at our home in order to an effort to retrain Brooke’s mind. But, in my eyes it just never seemed to happen. And, slowly, Brooke became the mysterious one in our family.
In a very real way, she became a reflection of the greater mystery of God. Deut 29.29 says “The secret things belong to the Lord God…” Brooke, my new Africa, had become my greatest fear, and my silent cry. I soon forgot about all the elephants that made me smile. (from my book, Little by Little).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!

brooke's meeting/pics of CO

well as you can see the view was incrediable. if you would like to see more, just email me....and i'll send them your way.

i got back home late it was a rough way home. we went right through a really bad thunderstorm. which those that know me.....know i was happy. but i will have to say-being on the ground is a tab bit more stable for me. ha/

the meeting w/brooke was pretty okay-they took her off one med and added a slight increase in another for behavior. she had had a rough morning so i did not get to give her the hug that i longed for....but i did get to see her through a window as she played on the playground. the meeting was insightful. we can see her twice this month. one being MLK weekend and another at the end of the month. bill will be gone next weekend, but hoping my parents can come over so we can at least go down to see her. don't know yet.

this last picture i was amazed at...it was on their aspen tree right outside of my sisters door. after i saw it...i remembered the passage. He who makes the eye, does HE not see. Grateful God does see us....just where we are at....and loves us!

colorado/birmingham

I'm in dillion, co visiting my sister. tomorrow i'll be in birmingham having a meeting about Brooke. I talked w/brooke while i was here. she actually told me hello and goodbye....since she has been there she has never said those words on the phone. the trip here has been so healing in alot of ways.
the snow hasn't stopped drifting down. i've been on a 2 hour snow show (on of those huge shoes that connects w/your foot) hike w/a friend of my sisters. it was in the middle of a big moutain. streams of water flowed. the snow streaming down not making a sound....but beating in my heart. it was perfect. i could have done that everyday. i went walking on a frozen small lake. while others skated around me. (i'll have pictures later when i get home and settled.
i'm excited to see brooke just briefly. the main visit is for the meeting so i will not get to see her long. hopefully i'll get to hug her and tell her how much we love her. after Christmas we did not get that chance. she had extreme behaviors that made us leave w/o saying goodbye or even a hug. i miss her and love her.

withdraws

i'm having brooke withdraws. we had a great family chrismas with just the boys/brooke/my husband and myself. it was nice to sit around, brooke felt comfortable and herself. sometimes she would go from room to room to room to room... and all over again. all over she did very well at the house. there was only one time we had to give her some meds to calm her down...but no terrible behaviors. However, today i took her back to school. we walked into her classroom and something set her off. crying, bitting self, slapping others, climbing on top of chairs/desck/bitting others/very very unsettled. i wasn't able to say bye to her and hug her and tell her that Jesus is with her. Josiah and Ethan walked out the door w/me and josiah started to cry...then ethan. they had loved the visit w/her...and in their little minds, i'm sure they had many questions as they saw Brooke react the way she did. Part of me wanted to take her back home. I called later and she was fine...i had left her Christmas toys on her bed....I go back on the 8th for a meeting. i'll be sending Christmas photos soon, for i'm out of town now.
I hope you all had a merry Christmas remembering Jesus birth....for it was His birth that brought Him death so we could live! what a mighty savior.
I love you brookey cookey....i miss you more than you know.

Christmas holidays

We will be getting brooke for Christmas sunday dec.23 and taking her back on dec. 26. the drive for brooke for thanksgiving was just a little to much, so we thought we could visit our family after we take brooke back. needless to say-i hate doing this, i feels sorry for her around the holidays and it makes me want to be w/her constantly-but i know it's too hard for her and for the rest of the family. we will get thru it though.

trusting

Brooke you are my inspiration and the one that encourages me to surrender to our Father. W/o Him.....i know i am nothing. We both need Him, dear. i miss you tonight.

the meeting:

I think the meeting went well. They are going to up her agression medication because she does have lots of aggression still. they shared w/me all the aggression she is doing to others/herself. I hope the medication helps her. As far as education is concerned....that seems to remain the same. She still struggles w/her skills. I too, was able to share my concerns and information hoping it will in return help her.

i miss you brooke! Jesus has got you!

meeting...

I'm driving down to have a meeting w/brooke and her team tuesday. It'll be a good meeting---letting me know all that is going on in her world when we are not together and vise-versa. I'm not sure what Christmas is going to look like for us. It's possible we stay here, for brooke's sake.

thanksgiving pictures

Jesus....

All i know is that Jesus has got you Brooke.

we had a good visit w/brooke, i'll send some pictures out later. she got frustrated on friday....it didn't end til midnight. other than that it was a precious visit.

thank you for your prayers.

tribute for you, brooke

I saw what I saw and I can't go forget it

I heard what i heard and i can't go back

I know what i know and i can't deny it.

something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me

your dream inspires

your face a memory

your hope a fire

your courage askes me what i'm afraid of

and what i know of love.

your courage asks me what i'm afraid of

Your courage asks me what I'm made of

and what i know of love

and what i know of God.

-sara groves

medication:

Just recently brooke was put on some medication for her aggression. so, apparently it's still there. We hope during the holidays she will remain peaceful and calm.

we would appreciate your prayers. thank you.....

coming home

brooke will be coming home next wednesday. It'll be a great b/day gift for bill on that day. we are still unaware of how long she will get to stay. that will be known to us this coming week....depending on behaviors and such. I miss her terribly and grieve over her absence.

changes

fall is in the air...you can almost touch it in your hands...and see the leaves change from every color on the spectrum. it's a beautiful month....one of my favorites. Change comes:with weather....life...people...God...the thing is are we ready for the change. I love change but i hate it at he same time. Some say it's too hard. Spiritually speaking it's probably the easiest thing i've ever done. Letting go.....and letting God take it for you-b/c He is capable and ready to do it if we allow Him too.
fall is in the air...and sometimes change never happens. You cant' touch it, see it, hear it--it just doesn't happen. Yesterday i called brooke they asked her to come to the phone and she didn't say a word....i repeated over and over "hey brooke...it's mommy" say "mommy"...but she ran away from the phone. sometimes changes never happen...but the leaves do fall...and we rake them up and start all over again.

Doors

Never lose heart when confronted by disappointment, for i you will take time for recollection, many past experiences will come to mind in which the closed door proved to be a blessing as it left you free to accept a different and greater opportunity.
Remember always that i control all that touches you, and as i move to order your life, i not only open the right doors, but close the wrong ones. Whenever a wrong door is closed, it is by My hand as much as when a right one opens. In this way I not only bring you joy but spare you pain. Trust Me.
never bemoan what seems to have been loss. all things are gathered into My bosom and I return to you only what will bless. As you trust Me when things appear to be going wrong, your anxiety will diminish. have I not said that nothing shall harm you?

-on the highroad of surrender

my day in b/ham

well, it turned out that brooke didn't get any work on her tooth. she'll be going to another doctor that will be able to assit her better. seeing her today took my breath away. they had given her some meds for her to be calm.....b/c of that she was so sweet. very relaxed.....and loving. she just held on to me as i laid my head on her lap. it was great to see her...even if it was 15 minutes. i always say "it's the little things in life"....and it was today-the little touch, the little smile, the little words of "mommy", "yep", are you okay......man, when she asked me that....i felt like taking her to get a coke and sitting down and saying, ya know honey....i'm not okay-i think about you constantly, i wanta know what's going on in your mind, i wanta know what you do daily, i wanta know what foods you eat....no, brooke i'm not okay---b/c your not w/me. but i held my tongue and said, yeah brooke....mommy is okay. my favortie singer is sara groves. she sings this song called "it's gonna be alright". i think of today-and think of that song....remembering, yeah....it's gonna be okay, brooke. with you in His hands...and with the Comforter at my side...we both are going to be okay.

it's real

grief....it comes and goes, does it not. tonight i feel as if i cannot move. yes, i trust God completely...but the pain is real. be my refuge and fortress whereunto i can continuely resort.

ps. 71.3

bitter-sweet

it's a bitter sweet weekend for me. brooke was suppose to come home but as stated earlier she cannot. i think the next time we can get her for a visit is Thanksgiving. I wish it was already here. i say bitter-sweet b/c i get to get away for the weekend (this signifies the sweet--ha). i need the time to be by myself---yet at the same time surrounded by other ladies i don't know. My precious friend will be doing a retreat...and it turned out i get to go. what makes it bitter-sweet is that i get to show my mosaics to others this weekend....which the whole reason i do them is for Brooke. She will constantly be on my mind as i talk/share w/other ladies how brokenness really does bring healing. i love you brooke-e

no visit

our visit w/brooke will not happen this weekend. the nurse called this morning and reported she has taken some stitches out already. the problem is if she continues to do this the wound will get worse and they will have to do something else. next week, however, i do get to see her...but i doubt she will remember me being there. she is getting her tooth fixed and they will be putting her under. the nurse told me it took 3 adults to get her calm the other day saturday night from anxiety and behavior problems. i hurt for her. please continue to pray on her behalf.

small accident

Brooke had an accident last night that took her to the er. She is better now. However she has 5 stitches on her mouth. If you know anything about brooke she is very bad about "picking"....picking sores, her mouth, her hands, etc.... They are trying to redirect her to stop touching her mouth where the stitches are. If not, she'll pull them out. Pray she is healed soon so that this doesn't become a future problem. i went up to see her last night as soon as i found out. it was great to see her...i hate under those circumstances though. right before i left i got to lay down beside her in her bed and hold her. It reminded me of God. When he knows we've fallen to the ground....He comes. Even in the middle of the night. He lays beside us and holds us....praying for us and brings healing to our brokenness. His touch is worth it all.

the swing

the pine needles and grass are pressed down where brooke has been this weekend at home. The swing she loves has been unactive until this past weekend. The swing. I don't know if you remember your childhood of swinging, but there is something about flying in the air. brooke only goes so far....her feet hit the ground each time she lifts off....in the air..and back on the ground again. I love to swing. sometimes i'll just randomly stop at some playground and just swing. brooke and i have that in common. the pine needles and grass will start edging there way from the ground where they were stepped on until brooke comes home again.

it thrilled me so to have her home for 24 hours. she smiled so much....she got a hair cut...and ate anything she wanted! here are the latest pictures of her and the swing.

are you kidding me?

This past weekend i was in an art show....as this lady was purchasing some of my work she asked me if i could do others for her.....I said, "sure"....then she said "is it a problem that i live in birmingham"....hummm, i said "well, no, my daughter lives there and i go down there twice a month." as she wrote out her information for me, she asked me where my daughter lived. oh boy--here we go.... I said" well, she is autistic and is living at a place called Glenwood." she looked at me and said, we had some one in our family that went there years ago. She asked me if i knew Alan Scott. (Alan Scott is the founder of Glenwood.....it was his son she was referring to.) She then said that they were related to Alan Scott and she knew exactly where Glenwood was. I was amazed to say the least.....such a small world. God keeps confirming to me that Glenwood is the place for her. This story made me smile....and thank God even more.

it's hard to talk about brooke when i don't get to "see" her to find out really how she is doing. our next visit w/her is at the end of this month. i'm not sure how long we get to see/keep her. it's kinda up in the air with how they think she is adjusting. if you would like to know her address to send her mail...please email me personally for the information. bill and i are trying to send her something each week. My peace still remains.....and what a gift this is from God. we all miss her. Josiah during our dinner time.....prays for brooke-i wish you could hear him. it's so precious. i don't know what all they comprehend....but i do know they love her and that she and will always remain part of this family. I love you brooke.....you are a gift from God....i'm blessed in knowing you not only as a mom but a friend. always yours.....

freedom at last!

For serveral years i've been holding on to the idea that i was the one that put her in the Learning Tree and now Glenwood....because i didn't try hard enough, i didn't do enough to get her better, i was weaker than her and i just couldn't....however, today i gotta say I am not under that guilt anymore! This past Thursday i was able to release that to the Lord. Freeing is not even a word to express the burden i carried around. Praise be to God!

i wanted also to share some pictures of our last visit. my parents came down to see her this past saturday. we had such a good day-may the pictures reveal our day. Our next visit w/brooke is at the end of sept. (you can click on any picture to see up closer)