the exchange

it's sunday and brooke is back at school. we are back into our routine. our visit was good/fast. my parents came down for a quick visit...it's always good for brooke and my parents to exchange hugs/kisses/looks.

everyone usually asks, 'how does she do on the way back'? well, she does really well...until we get at the school. this time, as we reached the steps, she slapped me and paced back and forth. she looked sad and confused when i left. those times hurt and hit hard as a mom.

on my way back home i had the most unusal experience half-way home. i cannot share all the details "blog form", however, what happened gave me such a great exchange from being sad/selfish to praying for someone who was hurting just as i was. so, nicole, even though you have no idea who i am...God spoke to me thru you yesterday. I'm praying for you and i'm sorry for your loss.

tonight i'm grateful for the great exchange Jesus did when He died for me!

brooke...

...is home, and we are all smiles!


(this is NOT a recent picture. this is laura (therapist) with brooke)

another reminder

it's funny, as soon as i start talking about elephants i start remembering different things to say:

I was reminded by my dear friend in Chicago of this verse in Psalms 121.7-8

"the Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."

the whole psalm has ministered to me since brooke went to her first facility at age 7. Furthermore, at different times in my life, God continues to bring them up to encourage me, minister to me, and for me to even pray over these verses for her. Today, as we prepare for her visit tomorrow, i will be praying this verse for her. would you join me in doing so?

home visit

brooke's home visit will be this thursday-saturday....my parents will come over to see her on friday. we are expecting a better visit this time around.

pray for less anxiety on her part and an easy transition coming from school to home and then from home to school.

I can't wait to see you brooke! i love and miss you!

worth it

I cannot remember if i've ever shared a prayer that has ministered to me...if i have, it's worth sharing again...

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown
that to give is to receive
that the valley is the place of vision. Amen
(The Valley of Vision)

His timing...

I remember the day well. A dear friend Michelle and I would, almost always, go after church to the foyer and sing. There was a beautiful marble floor with glass windows surrounding the area. It was a perfect place to sing, for even if you didn't sound all that great, with the echo it gave, you sounded like an angel. We sang our usual song that day as we were almost the last to leave church, "Our God Is An Awesome God", by Rich Mullins. We were caught up in the moment when someone got our attention. A young man, his age unknown, said almost awkwardly, "I have a song to sing". So he began:

In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me everyday as your teaching me to pray that you do just what you say in your time.

I, personally was blown away. It brought tears to my eyes as i listened to this man, mentally retarded, sing to the Lord about His timing.

My mentor and friend tells me, "Dani, it's not God's time, it's His timing." His time table is much more different from ours...i assume that is why reliance, trust, dependence on Him is necessary in our walk with the Lord.

But i would have so say-I do get a bit frustrated with His timing. I want Brooke to get well, I want the Lord to respond quicker with things going on in my life, I need this prayer to be answered now! However, His way is perfect (ps. 18), His timing is perfect.

I will never forget the song that guy sang the day in the foyer at church. For it was not his voice, it was the attitude of His heart that i was listening mostly to. He was confident in the Lord's timing. I, too, desire the same.

remember

You all should know i love elephants. One thing about elephants is they have a great memory. as i say "elephants always remember". In Ephesians 2 the word "remember" is mentioned over and over again. I just had to share some thoughts the Lord spoke to me about...
v.4 "But God, being rich in His mercy...made us alive with Christ."
v.11 "Therefore, remember".
v.12 "Remember that you were..."
Remembering humbles me, gives us a reality check if you will.
I'm grateful that the Lord is NOT my accuser by my advocate when it come to "remembering". I do remember where i have been but also more importantly remember the precious love that was shed on me, poured on me, lavished on me. I'm grateful...blessed because of His kindness and riches (v7).
v.13 "but NOW in Christ Jesus you who were formerly far off (remember), have been brought near by the blood of Christ."....wow, what a picture to capture.

i too, cannot help but remember when we found out brooke was autistic at the early age of 4. Now, as she is 11, i can't help but see how far the Lord has brought me only closer to Him thru my sufferings and loss. Remembering can be a very powerful aspect of our walk with Christ.

another visit

brooke will get to come home again at the end of the month. hopefully this one will be much better!

btw, gina...are you still there?

dearest brooke,

sweetie, i miss your face. i wish to see you tonight. you would be in your bed right now at home...but i don't get the chance to check on you. I know the Lord has you and is right there w/you as you sleep tonight. I hope you have a fun weekend. You make me smile! i miss you more than you know.
i love you, momma.

waiting

there's a freedom when waiting on the Lord

Relief...

This summer has been hot, has it not? we have been outside everyday with the boys, when brooke comes home for visits, we have gone hiking, exploring, to the pool---um, i think EVERYDAY, and we've gone to creeks to catch little fish. When we've been outside in the hot, we've just needed a bit of relief. Relief. such a small word...but it's something i've thought on a lot lately.

Just yesterday i went to a place to spend some time with God...just me and Him. Boy, was it ever so good. As i was sitting there in the sun...looking over a beautiful river (Tennessee, i may add), i got soooo hot! It was tempting to just jump in. Near by i had an ice chest....i opened it up and grabbed my frozen water. Boy! Relief. I just put my tongue on it...and it was like my whole body felt it's coolness. As it melted just a drop hit my chest and once again the word came to my mind "relief". Now, you may think...what the heck is she talking about today--she has lost her mind.

A while back ago a dear friend of mine told me "a little encouragement from the Lord goes a long way". People may give encouragement (and boy, is it needed), and other things in life may ease the 'relief' in your life...however, just a drop, just a hint, just a word, just a dab, just a glimmer of His encouragement goes along way. I'm able to go further, move faster, or even wait longer.

Just a drop of the water on my tongue went a long way yesterday in the heat. Relief!

Better yet, I recieved relief from the Lord yesterday becasue of His encouragement He gave.

I hope you can find the time to do the same.

recent photos

2 Chron. 20.12

"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You".

I've spent the last couple of weeks facing loss, surprising victories, unexpected gifts, sadness, vast armies, unexplained peace, and answered prayers. I really don't even know how to start this journal entry...i have a field of emotions and thoughts racing thru my mind and heart as i type. However, this verse comes to mind. There are many things we are facing right now...too much to type and too intimate to share; however, as God's word says "we do not know what to do." Have you felt that way before...so many things at your feet...you have difficult dicisions to face, vast armies at your doorway, and a grief that never seems to leave you alone? Yet, i love what the latter part says: "but our eyes are on You." Peace. Oh, the Peace. The fight has already been won. It does not dismiss the pain, or the loss i may be experiencing. But it's in Him holding me, and knowing my eyes are on Him that brings the peace in the midst of pain. These past 2 weeks have been hard. Before, i would have ran (in every capacity). However, the Lord has been my sustainer. Yes, there are still choices to make, hard choices to make. There are still losses from friendships that i had cherished, there are still armies at my feet desiring me to fall. But my eyes are on Him.

Adding to that, Brooke's visit at home was hard. Her behaviors outweighed her "good" moments. Going to the mall--was walking in--then walking back out because it was just "too much" for her. Shower time too. It just seemed too much for her to handle. Slapping, hitting, bitting herself and others were her ways of escape. Walking at the park with her on Thursday was like walking towards a vast army too much for her to handle. We left. We had to give her medication (twice) to help calm her. I believe it did not work. "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You." I cried taking her back. Leaving her at Glenwood was difficult to do. I hugged her, as she let me. I did not want to let her go. Time stopped.

time goes. as i wept on the way down to glenwood a friend of mine read scripture to me over the phone. Ps. 18 came to mind. "His way is perfect". Sometimes, it's hard to see that when you are a mother. your daughter sick. thinking the solution would be "mom". she can fix anything. I, however, can simply do nothing...i'm a bit powerless...a bit in need...a bit overwhelmed by autism and the greatness of it. Yet, "His way is perfect". And so it goes. So it goes that God is in control and i SIMPLY am not. once again, i'm faced with the passage in chron....we are powerless before this "_________" (fill in the blank). yet, our eyes are on You...b/c you are in control, because your way is perfect, because....and...so it goes.

walking w/me

i'm not ready to share my thoughts as of yet; however, the Lord is my comfort. He is my sustainer and shield. He is walking closely with me and brooke today.

the return

all day long we struggled with the thought of taking brooke back to school. i just got home from what seemed like...the long drive. i have a heavy heart and a yearning for Jesus to hold me tonight. (more information on the visit tomorrow)

brooke.

brooke has had a hard day at home.

in the psalms

i'm in need of His comfort. i'm staying in the psalms for a bit to recapture, rethink, hibernate--if you will, hope, imagine, pray, pray some more, and then pray even more. my heart is heavy and i'm just in need of Jesus. I'm reaching!

my next posting will be after brooke leaves on saturday.

unexpected....

a dear friend of mine told me once..."when you are having your quiet time with the Lord, just go...and be w/Him. It's not that you have to "hear" from God...or get something wonderful and powerful from Him, but just being w/Him is all He wants; however, when you do hear something from the Lord, all man, it's the unexpected gift".

recently, the Lord gave me an unexpected gift far to valuable to describe. It is precious when the Lord gives you something you feel like you don't deserve, or may be even something you think you don't want. But He gives it. i never saw it coming. However, what God brought to me was valuable. I love the unexpected. the undescribed.

school starts back up on wednedsay for Josiah. i'll take ethan w/me to get brooke. Then ethan starts up on Thrusday. we are excited! I'm sure God will give some unexpected gifts this week...and i'll treasure those moments, the unexpected!
(thanks fred)

in the solitude

listening, reading, writing things out. i'm in a solitude. as mark 6 talks about: going out to a lonely place. I need some time...
brooke will be home wednesday. i'm excited for her arrival.

our grief

i cannot believe it is august 1.

I had something on my mind this morning, that i wanted to share out loud. grief. what a word, right. it carries many different emotions. this past week a dear friend of mines husband passed away. grief. this week i will say goodbye (for now) to a friend going into another ministry. grief. this week i witnessed seeing my daughter wanting to go w/me out the door of her school. grief.
i have experienced alot of grief this week, but not only this week, but in the past years. i've covered up my grief because i thought i was "above that", its not okay to do so, i must be strong, so-to-speak. However, in doing so, i messed up things even more than they were. just adding to my grief.
if, by chance, you are grieving today, allow the Holy Spirit to allure you into Himself and disclose Himself to you like only He can do. Life is full of pain, suffering, and hardship. I know that one too well. But to encourage you, as i, myself, am encouraged by this. Take heart, my friend, and know He is there, He cares for you more than many sparrows, His thoughts of you out weight the numbers of the sand, He desires to walk w/you in your grief...and as He does You will experience His fullness. You will experience His love. You will experience His comfort and kindness to you. So, never cover up your grief, but allow Him to minister to you in your grief, loss, pain, and suffering. Your relationship with Him will be sweeter than honey!