kiddie pool

wanted to share today's events. school did not go well....but home went fine. we played in the kiddie pool which she loves! friday is round 4 of chelation...b12 shots are going well. she is a rambling brooke. they did say at school she said "______ bathroom" as she grabbed and pulled one of the ladies towards the bathroom. they were all shocked. so was i!

kristin and brooke

on the trampoline

brooke enjoying a cool down after school...

and i mean literally

what a great smile!

it looks like she's praying...

kristin hanging w/brooke

cute questions...

...tough answers! the boys (josiah and ethan) have been more curious concerning brooke. just today josiah asked bill why brooke didn't talk like he did when she was older than him. a few days before that ethan asked where brooke's "other" mom and dad were? i asked him what he meant....he referred to the Learning Tree and the home she lived in. it's hard to answer the questions they have in a way they can understand. they are however very precious towards brooke....like little therapist saying "brooke say "cookie"" as they give her a cookie. as they get older time will play a big factor but as for now they love her and i think even have a watchful eye out for her.

some questions we have as adults need to be spoken...we need to voice them to our Father...to be real, vulnerable, child-like. In time, He will answer i do know that! He will answer. He is not a God from a far off....nor a God that does not know our deepest questions. He knows and will whisper in my ear what I need to know.

i gotta admit...

...i need to pray more. pray for healing, direction, the next step, a cry for help...the list goes on. I just need to pray until i cannot utter another word...until i'm totally exhausted of all my thoughts, worries, concerns, and anxiety...until Jesus comes back. i'm lacking God...teach me to pray.

brooke's weekend has been good. saturday was just great. she had no ATO (aggression toward others), or ATP (aggression to property). this is big news for those who are not in brooke's path on a day to day basis. she's been more loving....giving generous hugs from the back....and clinging on. (as shown in the picture w/bill i think). i love it. i thought she'd start head banging...but she doesn't. she just clings on....i love it! monday she will start her 2nd week of summer school from 8-3. this will give me a small break during the week. I'll be doing things w/the boys that we nomarlly don't get a chance to do. Thursday and Friday i'll be in Memphis visiting my mother and father...the boys will come w/me. We have a big week planned.

God is good, isn't He? I wonder why we don't pray more?

never!

i will never leave you comfortlessly I WILL COME TO YOU! John 14. 18





i think brooke knows this passage very well in physically terms w/her great dad....and w/her spiritual Dad. There are no better arms than His....no better hugs than dads....
Bill you are the greatest father. I'm grateful to be next to you on this journey...you make me smile.

somedays...

...i hate autism. today is one of those days. high-pitch screaming, head-banging, hitting, anxiety, and the "i don't know what to do" days come and go w/autism. it makes you wonder. some say i'd love to get in their head for a day...well, i say i'd love to get in their head for one minute! You never really know what a day will hold....today was a hard day for some reason for brooke--she wasn't her normal self like she usually is. but better days are coming. tomorrow we start b-12 shots. (1 every 3 days) we've been doing nasal shots, but are finding it doesn't make big impacts as we would like to see so we are going to try the shots to see if this helps. bill and i are excited....ya never really know do ya?

trusting...

i love to swing. brooke does too. often we go to the park and you'll see her running off to the swing. she gets so excited. she sits and off her little feet go trying to gain speed, trying to get the rhythm right.....she gives no notice to how the swing is held up....she just gets on.
trust.
if i could see w/spiritual eyes i think i'd see Jesus hands holding the strings, the ropes, the chains...holding her life...holding her. I don't wanta loose this picture in my mind. Brooke doesn't seem forget it, she just gets on and w/o question she trusts. How i desire her child like faith.

you have no idea brooke how much i love you!

faith...

funny picture i know...but this is what i felt like today. FRUSTRATED!

God...help my unbelief! I'm in the psalms this week...listening, wondering, asking the hard questions, waiting, dying, being frustrated, smiling at small victories...today just happened to be one of those days. So i'm praying GOD....help my unbelief and bring me to a place of complete confidence i your will and not MINE.

mantaining

things are going okay this week w/bill being gone and change of routine w/brooke going to school this week. it's been very helpful actually and a gift from God. I've been able to spend some needed time w/the boys after VBS. bill comes home saturday and we are all ready. after monday the rest of the week has just been okay w/behaviors....they are less intense as they were monday when she came home from school. this weekend we start our 3rd round of chelation.

so....no real big news....just mantaining w/ Jesus at my side.

up/down

for a day that started out really well...it sure when down hill fast.

brooke's behaviors after school were bad today. i'm not sure why--transition maybe--chelation---
hoping tomorrow is better though. i need it to be.

direct our path Lord...

walking

our summer is in full swing. walking here and running there. these past few days we've adjusted to the new times our help will come...and we will be adjusting more next week when brooke goes to school for one week from 8-3. the boys have VBS and i have choosen to stay home and revamp b/c bill is out of town next week w/a youth event. i'm ready for a break even if it's just a couple hours a day to myself or w/friends. i'm hoping this is what i have been longing for....just a time of refreshment...a new look...a different aspect of things. i am praying this will happen for me.
brooke's chelation is going well as so is her diet. we will start her 3rd round of chelation next week. her behavior is off and on. you never really know what will set her off and so you seem to always be on guard. however....I'm looking forward to what is ahead...and forgetting the things left behind. God is doing something new here...and i chose not to live in the past or even yesterday.

"walk worthy of the Lord in all pleasing being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God" col 1.10
this is the walk i want to live in.

just a touch

then the angel of the Lord came and touched him and said "get up and eat for the journey is too much for you". 1 Kings 19.7

i am weary and i must say the journey is too much for me. eating is a necessity and i don't mean physically although that is important...but spiritually for me, i have to....i need to...i'm nothing w/o it....it's unthinkable for me thinking i can manage w/o it....the journey is to hard...but His touch is worth it. His touch heals, binds, restores, gives rest.....and today i need a fresh touch from Him. To sit in His lap...to be sang over...to just sit w/no words spoken. "the angel of the Lord came and touched him".....will you come and touch me Jesus.

lavished

my sister and i share a favorite verse from 1 john 3.1 He lavishes His love on you. I love that word. Probably one of my favorite words....as an artist i can see the colors thrown on a canvas, i can see the mixture of paints blending together to make something unknown and kinda crazy. today i felt God's love lavished on me...

we went swimming today as shown in the picture. brooke had her way of lavishing water. we played little games of throwing her in the water...she loved it so much we made it into a therapy session..... she would attempt to say "mommy throw me". she said the "mommy" and "me" part....and then the huge reinforcement would be her being thrown....she would come up laughing. she loves the water. she loves to laugh. she has her way of lavishing her love...it's a different kind of love, but she does it.

let His love be lavished on you.

He sees

Does he who implanted the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see? ps. 94.9

oh, Lord i know you see...

a new view...

today has been good. in the picture here brooke is trying to finish the rest of molly's icee. the biggest news i have to share today is this:

Molly held up one finger and brooke said "one"...she held up two fingers and brooke said "two" ...she held up three fingers and brooke said "three"! NO prompting, no nothing! we were soooooo pumped up about this. i caught it on video but for some reason i couldn't get it displayed. it was the highlight of the day for us. the baby steps are coming along. even though bill and i have had the difficult decision of putting her in the Learning Tree now almost 2 years ago....we know that her being home is the best place for her now. she makes me smile...she makes me give more than i have sometimes....she makes me laugh...she makes me realize once again the little things in life are the greatest mysteries.

my shade

the only thing i have to say is:
Psalms 121
i need this verse written on my forehead/arms/legs/inplanted in my brain

it's chelation weekend...

updates

*round 2 of chelation starts friday
*experiencing bad yeast infections
*sounding out more words (echoing)
*independently toliet skills improving
*letting us sit w/her in den anytime we want to
*school is officially over; motherhood officially started
*transition into full-time home training (very demanding)

my rollercoaster

it's been a rollercoaster ride today. i've been thinking about rollercoasters today...the ups, downs, sideways, turning completely upside down...the kind that make you scared to death, the kind that make you cry, the kind that make you laugh outloud, the kind that make you so afraid w/fear, the kind that make you wish you would have never got on, the kind that make you wanta get on again and again and again. it's been an up and down day.....i've thought all these thoughts....and cried them outloud....and have even laughed over silly conversations. But one thing about rollercoasters that i've never thought of before is this......they stop. They do the ride, you pay for the ticket, you get in for the time of your life, it slams fast and comes to an intense slow.....and then w/o question it stops. I've used this this topic to describe lots in life...but i've never realized before that the rollercoaster does end....it does stop.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 cor. 8-9

so...the ride has stopped today and tomorrow may be another rollercoaster day but i do know that it will stop. i'm not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed. let the ride begin.

words are precioius

today brooke said "1, 2, 3" with NO prompting!!!!!

we've been working on this for about 5 days now. i was so excited i tackled & tickled her.

hurting/healing

it's been a good day. although brooke is experiencing some pain w/yeast infection we've seen some good strides. just friday kristin was going to work w/her in her room...brooke got up and went the the stairs and voluntarily said "up". (her therapy room is upstairs)...kristin got up and went up there....and they were able to work on some goals for about 2o minutes. another great thing is brooke has been saying "want ___" and she wants something... 2 word phrases are great and don't happen very often at all.
i'm doing better today-i have had a couple of anxiety attacks today....why, not sure.....i guess b/c i'm thinking of the next week to come. brooke's last day of school is tomorrow and it just makes me nerveous to think about. thankfully i have help (40 hours a week). this has been God's way of fighting for me and covering me under his wings. i love this picture of brooke....it makes me think that she is praying. I wonder if she prays what she prays for?
dani

tears

"Put my tears in Your bottle....this i know that God is for me" Ps. 56.8-9

today has been....overwhelming, tiring, long, distracting, painful, fearful, sad, weary... i'm so glad though that it is God that has been at my side for me to scream to, groan to, mumble with, and cry upon. some days seem harder than the rest and today was one of that for me...not brooke, just me. ....a look ahead and a look back...
as hard days come and they will, i'm so greatful that God doesn't leave me stranded but intead He reaches in, pulls me in, allures me into the wilderness, sings songs over me, calls me by name, sends friends to give a hug, cradles me in His arms and whispers to me, and plainly enough just there to listen to my hearts cry. How great is our God....He is my Shepherd I shall not want.
dani