Wednesday, September 30, 2009

my help comes

(continuation from previous post)
The LT was good for Brooke. They were able to potty train her. She had someone with her at all times. They had individual education plans, behavioral plans, and even house plans to teach her to put her plate in the sink, her clothes in the laundry basket and to do other small household chores. They also went on outings like to the movies or to pick up something from Wal-Mart and, of course, going to the park. We would get to see her on the weekends. Sometimes we all went or just one of us. Mostly, I went because Bill had responsibilities with the church. It never got easier leaving her. And even after taking her back to the LT from a weekend visit, it was hard coming back to the non-chattering home. It made me more depressed as I washed her sheets and clothes that were left behind.

I know what it is like to experience loss. I know what it is like for your heart to be so burdened with hurt. I know fear, failure, and fatigue. I know what it is like to live without your 7-year-old child and entrust her to the care of someone that you do not even know. I know what it is like to live in the frustration, the “I do not know!” and chaos. I know what it is like to rejoice in the smallest victories that others call mundane. I know what it is like to have continuous thoughts of physically dying because waking up seems more like a death sentence than an enjoyment.

Through all of this, God did give me a passage in Psalms to cling to for strength and comfort. I say it was my Brooke passage. Now I say it is for both of us:

Psalms 121
I WILL lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, or the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.

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