Thursday, September 24, 2009

hand over mouth

Journal Entry to Brooke, September 19, 2001:
"Today I’m hurting. This past March you were diagnosed w/autism and now they just told us you have Rett’s syndrome. I know you cannot tell us what you want and that hurts me. You cannot even talk but babble like a baby. I know you want to say so much, but we just don’t understand you. Hopefully it will come in time. I will wait for you, Brooke. I will wait."

Just remembering what it was like takes the breath out of me. We knew Brooke needed more than what she was getting, so we considered other options. Working at the Children’s Home was taking us away from the one thing that was needed. God moved us to Alabama, and Bill started working as an Associate Pastor/Youth Minister at a Baptist church close to Huntsville. The change was good for us. God gave us some dear and precious friends as we served at the church, and as we served and ministered, they took it upon themselves to minister to us as well (Hebrews 6:10).

Shortly after we moved, I went on a retreat. The speaker spoke from Job. On the last day she spoke of Job remembering his past and the gloriousness of it. Job 29:7-16 states:

"When I went to the gate of the city and took my seat in the public square, the young men saw me and stepped aside and the old men rose to their feet; the chief men refrained from speaking and covered their mouths with their hands; the voices of the nobles were hushed, and their tongues stuck to the roof of their mouths. Whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him. The man who was dying blessed me; I made the widow's heart sing. I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban. I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was a father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth."

The speaker kept on reading and talking, but I could not stop thinking about verse 9, “and covered their mouths with their hands.” I thought to myself, what a unique verse…I have never read this before. As we neared the end of the day and the end of the book of Job, God spoke to me about His sovereignty. After God spoke to Job of His nature and His mighty power, I was as stunned as Job was. Job says to God, “I am insignificant, what can I reply to You? I lay my hand over my mouth.” I sat in the chair and felt as if I could not breathe or move. I knew that God was quietly breathing His fresh words of sovereignty into the recesses of my mind and ears. Romans 11:33-36 became such a source of comfort to me:

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR? Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

He had given me Brooke for a reason. What reason, I did not understand yet. I got home from the retreat tired and absorbed in the teaching of the last two days. Brooke walked into the room where I was sitting; she backed up to me and sat in my lap. These moments we called “Brooke moments”—they were rare, and if you moved or talked it was possible she would get up. Needless to say, I was very still. She turned her head, looked at me, and looked away. Then she did the same thing: turned her head, looked in my eyes, and looked away. Last, she turned her head, looked at me, starred into my eyes, and gently lifted her hand up towards my face and put her little hand over my mouth. I melted in wonder, knowing that God had used that moment to tell me: “Dani, there is no reason to be mad at Me. I’m Sovereign, and I do not make one single mistake.” After that day I have never questioned God’s sovereignty regarding Brooke, and Brooke has never put her hand over my mouth again.


taken from "Little by Little"

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