someday

there is a sign in brooke's room that says this saying, "someday my Prince will come". Brooke will never marry, but oh, she will dance with her Prince, Jesus one day. I long too, to dance with Him. grieving today.

not the same

the swing outside is empty.
there's no "dora" music singin' in the house.
brooke's bed is not messy.
biscuits are not made every morning.

our house is just not the same without you here sweetie. the lamp in your room will stay on (once again) until you come home for another visit.

in the garden

"and He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me i am His own, and the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known"

i'm praying for you Brooke.

creek walking

overall, our weekend with brooke was a splash! we went to one of our favorite spots (the creek) on friday. brooke enjoyed walking in the water. i love this picture of us. i miss you, brooke, already.

display

We brought brooke home yesterday for a visit home. It has been great to have her home! As you all know i am all about a good storm. Last night we didn't get the storm, just lightening. i sat out on my swing watching the lightening pop in and out. It was great! God must have been thrilled about brooke coming home too, He gave us a great firework display!

(the Heavens do display His handiwork!)

looking forward

We are excited about our upcoming visit with Brooke. She'll be home on Wednesday and staying til Saturday. We plan on getting Brooke in the pool, taking some good walks, going to the parks to swing, and of course vegging by the t/v to watch her favorite shows.

We also are having a meeting on Wednesday with her staff.

Psalms 23

"He anoints my head with oil".
This passage has meant alot to me of late. I found this picture which illustrates this passage. The reason for the anointing of oil for a lamb is because bugs/insects get into the skin. The oil protects/heals the lamb from hurting and prevents bugs from irritating the area.
For me, it's personal...
I can just imagine, if you will, Him coming to me...as i'm resting in His pastures...and He comes up close to me, grabs my chin, and gently pours oil over my head. It's healing. It's personal. It's much more than just oil. It's Him.

Would You come, Shepherd, and anoint Brooke's head with oil.

(jason upton has a song called psalm. 23; a must to hear!)

being still and listening

never alone

I was reminded by a friend we are never alone. His presence is with us at all times, is He not? Sometimes, i wish we could see with spiritual eyes the presence of Himself. Would we not feel safer? Would we second-guess things? Would we believe more? Although we do not see Him...we believe in Him. His presence is what i want and desire; however, this is something as believers we already have. It is the constant encouragement that helps us "see" Him...it's the experiences we have with Him that make us "see" Him. Although I may feel alone...I am never alone.

I found this picture of Brooke walking alone under a covered bridge. Brooke, you are never alone.

us

a rare touch

psalms 71.3

"Be Thou my rock and habitation, whereunto i many continually resort. You have given commandment to save me."

it's raining here today, i love the rain. i'm safe in my habitation with my Lord.

more to say

i cannot get brooke off my mind tonight. seeing her today was difficult for me. she had so much anxiety written all over her face. she kept bitting her arm as a way of coping w/her stress. i wish i could have taken that away from her. when she left the appointment she just looked at me with a frown i do not see very often from her...big tears in her eyes. i felt as if she was saying to me...I need you mom, help me. Oh, Lord...please help her. i cannot. i am miles away from my little girl, now 5 feet tall. Comfort her fears like only You can. I don't even understand her fears, her anxiety, or pain....or autism. You do! We need you.

the group, Plumb sings a song called "My Child"...it's on my mind tonight as i cry thinking of her:

your eyes, my eyes, your smile, my smile, your love, my gain, your hurt, my pain, your laugh, my joy, every time, it's mine, You are my child. I will always protect you, oh and i will even let you go, i'll spend the sweetest time holding you , and i will let you grow, don't ever be afraid, cause i am here, and if you start to fear, just close your eyes, and hear me say, your love, my gain, your hurt, my pain, your laugh, my joy, every time, it's mine, You are my child.

being a mother to an autistic child is a gift...it's a challenge...a daily dying to self...sometimes overwhelming...sometimes you laugh your head off, sometimes you cry so much your eyes seem swollen, sometimes your pain is so great you cannot describe it to anyone else but God. Tonight, i'm there. No one knows like Jesus. No one!

appointment

Today was hard.

Brooke's visit home will be june 25-28.

my dearest brooke,

my mind is flooded w/thoughts of you, Brooke. it seems like forever since i've seen your face. i miss you dearly...i'm in your room as i write and there is such a void. you should be home. however, i know that God has you. Jesus has got you baby...and there is nothing i can do about it...in fact, i don't want to have anything to do about it...because His arms are the safest. With tears running down my face...i embrace the God who has both of us...knowing one day you will be well. You will be whole...and I can't wait for that moment...

it never gets easier. i'm ready to see you tomorrow.

between a rock and a hard place

Pressed beyond measure; yes, pressed to a great length;
Pressed so intensely, beyond my own strength;
Pressed in my body and pressed in my soul,
Pressed in my mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure from foes, and pressure from dear friends.
Pressure on pressure, til life nearly ends.

Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving His staff and His rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living my life for the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.
(streams in the desert)

I am here in the pressing, and like Natilee Grant sings "I will not be moved."

friends...

lately i've seen some old friends...there is nothing like them! i gotta say, not only has it been my God that has gotten me thus far in life, but dear friends. There is nothing like them! Thank you to my friends (you know who you are)...for your prayers, comfort, listening ears, and just your faithfulness thru the years.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17.17

rett's meeting

As you know Brooke has a rare form of Autism called Rett's. I have enclosed a fact sheet for those that are interested. (Brooke is in stage 3). Every 6 months brooke sees a specialist. To me, this meeting is always very important. Next thursday is her meeting. Brooke does not show all the characterisitcs of retts; however, it seems to me, she is showing more signs each year. Important decisions will take place at this particular meeting. would you join us in prayer as we seek wisdom from her doctor.

www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/rett/detail_rett.htm

some have wondered

"so, why butterflies?"

Brooke's middle name is Renee'. Renee means 'Born Again.' The Caterpillar turning into a Butterfly have most often been referred to in this way...which also is the expression of the Christian.

hard...

...to believe that it's only june 1 and i have to wait til the end of the month before another home visit. i wish the time was already here.

Jesus...hold my little girl in Your arms. Calm her fears and anxiety. I miss her so much and i know that no one can comfort her as You can. Would you come and comfort me too?

quote

bill graham wrote:

the happiness which brings enduring worth to life is not the superficial happiness that is dependent on circumstances. it is the happiness and contentment that fills the soul even in the midst of the most distressing circumstances and the most bitter environment. it is the kind of happiness that grins when things go wrong and smiles through the tears. the happiness for which our souls ache is one undisturbed by success or failure, one which will root deeply inside us and give inward relaxation, peace, and contentment, no matter what the surface problems may be. that kind of happiness stands in need of no outward stimulus.

loved reading that the other day. an old sunday school teacher from college has been encouraging me on, in my journey w/brooke (life...for that matter). one thing i've learned from her is this...my baggage bag can now be used as a tool bag. even though life is difficult and hard and...we could go on and on...turn it around. it is so common for us to take the ugly and bad and curse God; however, it is the one who knows the Lord that accepts struggles as gain and as a way of knowing Him and making Him known to others. (philippians 1). This is the life i desire!

our hike

lingering moments

Brooke left today to go back to school. Overall, it was a precious and busy visit. (i will have pictures of our visit coming soon).

There was one thing that stood out all weekend.

Last night i was home alone w/brooke...we were just nestled in the bed watching "Dora." I looked over and her eyes were getting heavy. Leaning over, I pushed her hair back from her eyes and caressed her cheek as she closed her eyes. Just looking into her face, i imagined Jesus doing the same w/me. Him seeing the heaviness in my eyes He reaches towards me, pulling my hair back from my eyes and touching my cheek...to consul, embrace me, or to just be near me, knowing His peace--i just close my eyes and rest. It was a sweet moment...one that will linger for days to come.

Thank you Jesus for touching my life, healing my heart, and being near me.

today we went on a hike...brooke did well for the first half, but she was ready to go on our way back in. Sometimes i see how evident it is for her to be at Glennwood...other times i see how wonderful it would be to have her home. it's frustrating...very, very frustrating.

for the most part she has been all smiles...and that just makes my day!

longest hug

today after i got home with brooke...she went to her favorite place in our house...our bedroom. She looked up at me and i asked her for a hug. She reached her arms around me and time stood still. The best day ever!

peace on EVERY side

I mentioned earlier that i've been learning more about God's peace. In 2 Chronicles 20 it says...

12 O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face
this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are
upon you." 15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: `Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' 18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD.

if you read on, the Lord did fight the battle for them and they were slain. I love verse 30 though...

30 And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side.

God gave them rest (peace) on every side. What a wonderful picture. I read this recently and it was comforting:

"The safest sailor is certainly not one who has never weathered a storm. Wouldn't you want an experienced sailor at the critical post? Oh, how everything gives way when affliction first comes upon us. The clinging stems of our hopes are quickly snapped, and our heart lies overwhelmed and prostrate, like a vine the windstorm has torn from its trellis. But once the initial shock is over an we are able to look up and say, "it is the Lord" (John 21.7), faith begins to lift our shattered hopes once more and securely binds them to the feet of God. The final result is confidence, safety, and peace." Yes, peace ON EVERY SIDE!

Even though the pain, loss, grief is there....there is a peace on every side that i cannot and will not deny. For, "it is the LORD."

finally time/pray

Brooke will be home thrusday til monday. Finally!! It seems like forever since i've seen her smile. It will be good to have her home. This will be the longest visit we have had with her since she went into Glenwood's program. A quick update on her: she hasn't been eating well at school and her behaviors are sporadic.

Please pray for her development and behaviors. We have some important doctor appointments for her coming up soon...and we will have to make some decisions. thank you for your support, prayers, and love.

books

Just recently, someone asked me what books have been of help to me. I wanted to share just some of them. Of course God's Word has meant everything to me and tons and tons of journeling; however, the persective of others have been very helpful. Hope they will help you as well.

Walking With God On The Road You Never Wanted To Travel/Atteberry
Why/Lotz
Calm My Anxious Heart/Dillow
Recovering From The Losses Of Life/Wright
Breaking Free/Moore
The Valley Of Vision
Streams In The Desert

peace

I've been leaning heavily on this word lately! I'll be writing more about this. However, for now, i know that the peace of man is way different from the peace of God.

your never far from my thoughts. i miss you brooke! Jesus has got you baby.

calling out...

everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Joel 2.32

"my situation is urgent, and i cannot see how i will ever be delivered. Yet this is not my concern, for He who made the promise will find a way to keep it. My part is simply obey His commands, not to direct His ways. I am His servant, not His advisor. I call upon Him and He will deliver me." (streams in the desert)

extra photos

ethan's gift

I love to see the boys love on brooke when she comes home. It is always so precious to see them give hugs, help out, scream: "BROOKE'S IN THE KITCHEN!", or just random acts of kindness. I have a stuffed animal, that was given to me at a difficult time in my life, that Ethan now claims as his. Last night, Brooke had a rough night. Ethan was scratched in the process. However, Ethan came down the stairs and put the little stuffed animal right beside Brooke once she went to sleep. Precious, just precious!

visit

brooke will be home wednesday-saturday for a visit. YEAH!

a catipillar

i just love reading amy carmichael's stuff. i read this today:

a catipillar was happy till
one day, a toad in fun
said "pray, which leg goes after which?"
which strained his mind to such a pitch
he lay distracted in a ditch
considering how to run.

"i think there are a good many toads in the world, and sometimes, not in fun at all but very seriously, they manage to strain our minds to such a pitch, that instead of going on in simplicity we may very easily find oursleves distracted in a ditch, not running, but only considering how to run."

runaway bride

Seeing brooke yesterday was bitter-sweet. She was the first to come down the runway for the Glenwood Fashion Show...and the beautiful lady just kept on running, right out the door.

Journal Entry April 16 '08
...she looked so disturbed today...hurting, not feeling well. she kept bitting her arm leaving instant bruises/marks....out of the frustration of the world she is forced to know. she kept hitting me because she didn't know how else to tell me she was hurting. She didn't have to hit me, i could see it written all over her face. I saw it in her eyes-in the lack of her precious smile. Her eyes reveal everything to me...as a mom. i feel as if i can see things in her no one else can comprehend. Today, more bitter than sweet. more pain than gain. The look in her eyes-bring tears to mine. Yet, i know that through it all He has her, holds her, loves her, calls her by name, allures her, dances with her, is her mighty warrior, best friend, constantly with her, her shade, her comfort, and contains every tear in a bottle--just like He does for me.

dark clouds

Call me crazy, but i love a good storm. Recently, we've had some storms roll in our 'neck of the woods'...as powerful as they may be--they are peaceful to me. I love laying in my hammock in our front yard, looking up above, trees swaying, dark clouds coming in and out, rain starting to pound on the ground.

Throughout my life, its been quiet a storm. The situations and circumstances that make/break me. I know, too, that plenty more storms are still coming my way. I'm not taken back by them for i know that "He makes the storm calm, so that the waves are still..." ps. 107.29

I'm confident that Jesus is with me...no matter the journey, heartbreake, pain, loss, even the smiles, laughter, and things that make me just plain oh happy. There is always an end to a storm. Always! It is the storms that make us who we are today. So, as the song says, "Bring on the rain."

well needed

I'll get to see brooke this wednesday for a well-needed visit. Just so happens the school is having a "fashion show." how fun, huh? i'm sure it will be very interesting. My parents will also be there. What a treat the day will bring!

Thanks AHS

Our local high school's beta club promoted and raised awareness for autism this past Saturday. The picture shown of "battle of the bands" was made all by puzzle pieces. Brooke has her name on one. It's located in the "A" of battle. Thanks Amy for your hard work and all at the beta club for your support!

i miss you.

brooke----it's just the beginning of the month and i have to wait til the end of april til i get to see you again. tears fill my eyes because i miss you and i long to see your face. ----momma

powerful

Several years ago I found this amazing description of living with a special child. May God use it to speak to you as He has me.


I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of. I see that as well. I am aware of much...whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.
You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards...great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable...I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.
The world seems to pass me by. There is much you take for granted. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire. I give you awareness.
I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strife and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith.-Anonymous

my shade

Psalms 121

I WILL lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, or the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.

the month

This is the time of year when autism is recognized to its fullest - April is Autism Awareness Month! I want to make sure everyone knows this. Not only has it affected our family, but thousands and thousands of families world-wide. As you may know, 1:150 children are diagnosed with autism. This is crazy to me. When brooke was diagnosed it was about 1:600. I know during the month of April there will be news shows, talk radio reports, autism walks, and other things around the country...and I encourage you: watch the shows, read the reports/emails, go on the walks, send money to reputable organizations for research, and let others know you know someone with autism.


Autism will not have the last word in our family...be the voice for an autistic child today!

lastest photos

the valley of vision

Lord, let me learn the paradox:
that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, and the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, and the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine; Let me find thy light in my darkness, thy life in my death, thy joy in my sorrow, thy grace in my sin, thy riches in my poverty, thy glory in my valley. (from the book the valley of vision)

we had a good weekend with brooke. she got upset at some NEW things we did...overall....it was good. i'll get to see her this sunday for a short visit. I'll be updating soon with pictures from our last couple of visits.

Easter weekend

Brooke will be coming home for Easter for a few days. We are excited about her visit home.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter...we all have a reason to celebrate because of what Jesus has done for us! PTL!!

autism specialist anyone?

just wondering...does Brooke remember me when i'm not around...or down the hallway from her bedroom? Does she know the difference with time? Some answers i'd love to know. But then again, do I?

oh , God... speak kindness to me and to Brooke. Be our Shade.

so, how are you?

Many people have been asking how Brooke was doing. Thank you for asking!
She is doing okay. At school, Brooke is being asked to do more--now that she is getting settled. This of course is bringing out some behaviors. Her behaviors lately have been bitting her arms. At times, for a weekend visit, she has come home with bruises up and down her arm. It is a bit hard to see; however, we have seen worse. Just grateful it is not another intensive behavior although we would like to see this one gone. She is on medication for her behaviors. Her behavior program and coupled with her medication seems to help some. Her words have been "few" during a home visit. The words she used to say with us, she does not say much of anymore. She has become a bit more quiet than she used to be. I still am quick to get her to say as much as i can while she is home. I'm sure at Glenwood they are doing the same thing. At the group home she does well, with less behaviors. It is a bit more laid back than the school setting; yet, they do have chores and things for her to do. She is doing well with potty-training and are seeing less and less accidents. :) So, to sum things up...brooke is maintaining. Nothing more and nothing less. That leads to the next question.
How are we doing as a family? Thanks for asking! We all are doing well with the adjustment. Some days are harder than others. It hasn't even been a year since Brooke left for Glenwood. There is always a void, not just from a mothers standpoint. Josiah and Ethan are quick to pray for her. Her room is still being used-for hide and seek, playroom, a place to ponder (on her swing-in her room), and for an extra bed when OURs gets way too packed! ha. We seek HIM, we get by, we live, we have hope, and we dream til we see her again. Then it starts back all over again. So, that is how we are doing....how are you?

brooke's week

Glenwood folks will celebrate Brooke's birthday on the 5th. I got to see her briefly today at the team meeting. The meeting went well...alot more to share on that....we will try another day. My little book will be done this week. Yah Who!

i must admit...it has been a tough week so far. With brooke turning 11, i realize more the task at hand. Yet, i know that God is way more than we can imagine. So, with that...i'm looking forward. Even though the heart hurts.

birthday wishes

Brooke will be coming home this Wednesday for her February visit. We will celebrating her 11th birthday. WOW! i actually cannot believe she will be 11 on March 6! Happy Birthday Brooke!!!

finders...keepers

ethan, my youngest, took this shot as we drove home from seeing brooke. i have found a great passion finding crosses in really weird places. The cross in this picture is on the right side. You may have to double click to see it better. At any rate, I love this shot--especially since it was taken by ethan. I find that in the hardest places in life we can always see the cross...that is if we are looking for it. And man, when we find it comes a pouring out of mercy-grace-love. That pouring is being poured out on me...the very sinner that i am. I'm grateful for the cross.

song

ya want to stop brooke in her tracks..? just start singing:

"Jesus loves me this i know...for the Bible tells me so...little one to Him belong...i am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me...Yes, Jesus loves me...Yes, Jesus loves me...the Bible tells me so."

The look she gives is one you don't wanta miss! (no matter what you sound like)

what a visit!

we had a great visit w/brooke. We were sitting in the kitchen eating and Josiah said "mom, i can't wait til we get to Heaven,
because Brooke is gonna talk!" I said "She sure is Josiah." He returned with "I wonder what she'll say--it'll sure be alot!" ha...
Man, i loved that.
Our visit was filled w/smiles, love, hugs, and relaxation. She enjoyed some Mac N Cheese right before she went back to Glenwood on Saturday. Thanks to our dear friend carolyn for the mac n cheese, your food is always a hit!

coming home...

brooke will be home for a visit from thursday (feb 14)- til saturday (feb 16). we are all looking forward to a well-needed visit.

away

I hope to give a full update on Brooke's progress, more pictures of her and our recent visit, and future plans for April (austism awareness month) soon...so stay tuned in.

Saturday

we did not bring brooke home on thursday but went to see her on saturday. we had a good visit w/brooke.