Jesus...hold my little girl in Your arms. Calm her fears and anxiety. I miss her so much and i know that no one can comfort her as You can. Would you come and comfort me too?

quote

bill graham wrote:

the happiness which brings enduring worth to life is not the superficial happiness that is dependent on circumstances. it is the happiness and contentment that fills the soul even in the midst of the most distressing circumstances and the most bitter environment. it is the kind of happiness that grins when things go wrong and smiles through the tears. the happiness for which our souls ache is one undisturbed by success or failure, one which will root deeply inside us and give inward relaxation, peace, and contentment, no matter what the surface problems may be. that kind of happiness stands in need of no outward stimulus.

loved reading that the other day. an old sunday school teacher from college has been encouraging me on, in my journey w/brooke (life...for that matter). one thing i've learned from her is this...my baggage bag can now be used as a tool bag. even though life is difficult and hard and...we could go on and on...turn it around. it is so common for us to take the ugly and bad and curse God; however, it is the one who knows the Lord that accepts struggles as gain and as a way of knowing Him and making Him known to others. (philippians 1). This is the life i desire!

our hike

lingering moments

Brooke left today to go back to school. Overall, it was a precious and busy visit. (i will have pictures of our visit coming soon).

There was one thing that stood out all weekend.

Last night i was home alone w/brooke...we were just nestled in the bed watching "Dora." I looked over and her eyes were getting heavy. Leaning over, I pushed her hair back from her eyes and caressed her cheek as she closed her eyes. Just looking into her face, i imagined Jesus doing the same w/me. Him seeing the heaviness in my eyes He reaches towards me, pulling my hair back from my eyes and touching my cheek...to consul, embrace me, or to just be near me, knowing His peace--i just close my eyes and rest. It was a sweet moment...one that will linger for days to come.

Thank you Jesus for touching my life, healing my heart, and being near me.

today we went on a hike...brooke did well for the first half, but she was ready to go on our way back in. Sometimes i see how evident it is for her to be at Glennwood...other times i see how wonderful it would be to have her home. it's frustrating...very, very frustrating.

for the most part she has been all smiles...and that just makes my day!

longest hug

today after i got home with brooke...she went to her favorite place in our house...our bedroom. She looked up at me and i asked her for a hug. She reached her arms around me and time stood still. The best day ever!

peace on EVERY side

I mentioned earlier that i've been learning more about God's peace. In 2 Chronicles 20 it says...

12 O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face
this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are
upon you." 15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: `Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 16Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' 18 Jehoshaphat bowed with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD.

if you read on, the Lord did fight the battle for them and they were slain. I love verse 30 though...

30 And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side.

God gave them rest (peace) on every side. What a wonderful picture. I read this recently and it was comforting:

"The safest sailor is certainly not one who has never weathered a storm. Wouldn't you want an experienced sailor at the critical post? Oh, how everything gives way when affliction first comes upon us. The clinging stems of our hopes are quickly snapped, and our heart lies overwhelmed and prostrate, like a vine the windstorm has torn from its trellis. But once the initial shock is over an we are able to look up and say, "it is the Lord" (John 21.7), faith begins to lift our shattered hopes once more and securely binds them to the feet of God. The final result is confidence, safety, and peace." Yes, peace ON EVERY SIDE!

Even though the pain, loss, grief is there....there is a peace on every side that i cannot and will not deny. For, "it is the LORD."

finally time/pray

Brooke will be home thrusday til monday. Finally!! It seems like forever since i've seen her smile. It will be good to have her home. This will be the longest visit we have had with her since she went into Glenwood's program. A quick update on her: she hasn't been eating well at school and her behaviors are sporadic.

Please pray for her development and behaviors. We have some important doctor appointments for her coming up soon...and we will have to make some decisions. thank you for your support, prayers, and love.

books

Just recently, someone asked me what books have been of help to me. I wanted to share just some of them. Of course God's Word has meant everything to me and tons and tons of journeling; however, the persective of others have been very helpful. Hope they will help you as well.

Walking With God On The Road You Never Wanted To Travel/Atteberry
Why/Lotz
Calm My Anxious Heart/Dillow
Recovering From The Losses Of Life/Wright
Breaking Free/Moore
The Valley Of Vision
Streams In The Desert

peace

I've been leaning heavily on this word lately! I'll be writing more about this. However, for now, i know that the peace of man is way different from the peace of God.

your never far from my thoughts. i miss you brooke! Jesus has got you baby.

calling out...

everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Joel 2.32

"my situation is urgent, and i cannot see how i will ever be delivered. Yet this is not my concern, for He who made the promise will find a way to keep it. My part is simply obey His commands, not to direct His ways. I am His servant, not His advisor. I call upon Him and He will deliver me." (streams in the desert)

extra photos

ethan's gift

I love to see the boys love on brooke when she comes home. It is always so precious to see them give hugs, help out, scream: "BROOKE'S IN THE KITCHEN!", or just random acts of kindness. I have a stuffed animal, that was given to me at a difficult time in my life, that Ethan now claims as his. Last night, Brooke had a rough night. Ethan was scratched in the process. However, Ethan came down the stairs and put the little stuffed animal right beside Brooke once she went to sleep. Precious, just precious!

visit

brooke will be home wednesday-saturday for a visit. YEAH!

a catipillar

i just love reading amy carmichael's stuff. i read this today:

a catipillar was happy till
one day, a toad in fun
said "pray, which leg goes after which?"
which strained his mind to such a pitch
he lay distracted in a ditch
considering how to run.

"i think there are a good many toads in the world, and sometimes, not in fun at all but very seriously, they manage to strain our minds to such a pitch, that instead of going on in simplicity we may very easily find oursleves distracted in a ditch, not running, but only considering how to run."

runaway bride

Seeing brooke yesterday was bitter-sweet. She was the first to come down the runway for the Glenwood Fashion Show...and the beautiful lady just kept on running, right out the door.

Journal Entry April 16 '08
...she looked so disturbed today...hurting, not feeling well. she kept bitting her arm leaving instant bruises/marks....out of the frustration of the world she is forced to know. she kept hitting me because she didn't know how else to tell me she was hurting. She didn't have to hit me, i could see it written all over her face. I saw it in her eyes-in the lack of her precious smile. Her eyes reveal everything to me...as a mom. i feel as if i can see things in her no one else can comprehend. Today, more bitter than sweet. more pain than gain. The look in her eyes-bring tears to mine. Yet, i know that through it all He has her, holds her, loves her, calls her by name, allures her, dances with her, is her mighty warrior, best friend, constantly with her, her shade, her comfort, and contains every tear in a bottle--just like He does for me.

dark clouds

Call me crazy, but i love a good storm. Recently, we've had some storms roll in our 'neck of the woods'...as powerful as they may be--they are peaceful to me. I love laying in my hammock in our front yard, looking up above, trees swaying, dark clouds coming in and out, rain starting to pound on the ground.

Throughout my life, its been quiet a storm. The situations and circumstances that make/break me. I know, too, that plenty more storms are still coming my way. I'm not taken back by them for i know that "He makes the storm calm, so that the waves are still..." ps. 107.29

I'm confident that Jesus is with me...no matter the journey, heartbreake, pain, loss, even the smiles, laughter, and things that make me just plain oh happy. There is always an end to a storm. Always! It is the storms that make us who we are today. So, as the song says, "Bring on the rain."

well needed

I'll get to see brooke this wednesday for a well-needed visit. Just so happens the school is having a "fashion show." how fun, huh? i'm sure it will be very interesting. My parents will also be there. What a treat the day will bring!

Thanks AHS

Our local high school's beta club promoted and raised awareness for autism this past Saturday. The picture shown of "battle of the bands" was made all by puzzle pieces. Brooke has her name on one. It's located in the "A" of battle. Thanks Amy for your hard work and all at the beta club for your support!