Little by Little (cont.)...
Coming back home from the hospital was like entering a war zone in a land of giants. I had been in such a safe place that the real world was almost too much for me. However, I had my husband and a couple of close friends that stood beside me and held me accountable.
Brooke was adjusting okay to the new facility. At the time we could see her each weekend. We visited her when we could, which was almost every weekend. After the 45-day trial period, Bill and I had to make another difficult decision about whether or not to put her in permanent placement again. In August 2007, we made the decision to move her. She moved into her new room decorated with butterflies. The visits changed; we could only see her or get her for home visits once a month. This was quite an adjustment for our whole family. The boys know she is gone and miss her. And as far as Bill and I go, we treasure each moment we have with her until we see her again. Each time I leave Brooke, I hug her and say, “Brooke, Jesus has got you, baby.” With those words I walk away (each time trusting God).
I continued to struggle with my own life. Battling daily with my medication addiction, I seemed to mess up everything and everyone I loved. The giants of the past and present were winning every war and not only did I feel defeated, I looked defeated. Trying to do things on my own was a hard and a very lonely road. I failed to give to God what He had wanted all along--me.
However, it was through my aloneness that I finally came to the end of myself.
One, ordinary day, I desperately reached out for Jesus’ cloak for healing. He responded back with forgiveness, abounding grace, mercy, unending love, and healing. (Matthew 9.20). How selfish I was to think I could have lived my life without Him in complete authority. It finally took my surrendering to His authority to bring me much more than freedom—it gave me life. It gave me the chance to breathe again. I was sick for a long time, but now I know what it is like to be well and alive. In his book, Recovering From the Losses of Life, Norman Wright says, “Trying to control your life imprisons you to need to be in control. Trusting in His control leads to a life of freedom rather than a life of bondage.” I found this to be so true. God delivered me from any form of medication and any desire for it! According to Dr. Henry Cloud in Changes That Heal, “He has always been a releaser of the captive.” (Psalms 56.13; 2 Timothy 4.17-18). Hallelujah! What a Savior!
I admit, I do not understand all my circumstances. If I did understand them all, would I not be God? I am aware that Brooke may never come home to live and that my situation may never change. However, I do know that my situation has strengthened my faith in Jesus Christ. It is because of Him I can move on and will move on.