Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Little by Little, (cont)

The stress and anxiety of getting Brooke well had taken the better part of me. After April 2007, things for myself had gotten worse, although I never did see it. I was too selfish in my addiction of over-medication to see anything differently. Depression had influenced my whole world, and I literally wanted to just end it all. My hope had faded in a fog, dreams shattered into dust, and my faith was challenged.
In June 2007 Brooke’s behaviors had gotten worse again, and we had to put her into a hospital in Birmingham. Walking out, leaving her in that confinement tore at my soul. I mourned for her.
It was later that week that she was put into Glenwood, a facility for autistic children, for a 45-day trial period. This put me over the edge as I saw Brooke differently than I had ever seen her. She seemed so sad.
I woke up soon after that transfer and told Bill he needed to put me into a hospital too. I needed help. After I got in, I wanted to get out. My physical health was weak, and I was low in many minerals. After being accustomed to having as many pills as I wanted, not having any more made me physically sick.

Journal Entry in hospital:
Lord some things are just too numerous for me now, and You know that. Give to me what I can stand until I can be fruitful again. I know I have put so much time and emotion on Brooke that it is destroying my own life by self-medication and selfishness. I know I need to trust you little by little. Really that is all I can do right now. It does not dismiss the pain, and it does not dismiss the loss. I need Lord to release the responsibility into your hands because contentment is a matter of accepting what you have for me. Help me to have Your thoughts--to have a correct thinking pattern than what I have had for many years. I confess that I have fought against what You have given me. Grant me the courage to be a servant. Oh God, I long to be faithful to You. I accept my assigned role as a gift. Teach me to “cease striving and know You as God,” little by little.

1 Timothy 6:15 “…God…is the blessed controller of all things, the king over all kings, and the master of all masters.”

God, do not let my pain be wasted.

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