hurting

brooke's birthday was good. she ate one of her favorite meals...then we made a trip to "chill," a yogurt place in our neck of the woods. it was good stuff. she spent the evening with us...and half of the next day. we picked her up again after school the following day and couldn't get enough of laughter, smiles, sweet glances, and the special encounters she has with the boys.

however, there always seems to have a "however" in a story, right?

the last day we had her she got very upset. she had tears in her eyes which is rare for brooke. her behaviors started to escalate...and they became very intense. bill had gone out to get her medication from the group home and it was just me and the boys...and brooke. soon she started biting herself, hitting walls, tv's, screaming words i couldn't understand, tears were rolling, josiah and ethan were crying...in concern for brooke, and i was going thru all my questions to self.

is she hungry? what did she eat last? does she need to use the restroom? does she want to be here? is she thirsty? is she hurting? if she is hurting..then where, how does it hurt? the questions were endless. while i'm running down my list in my head...the chaos in the house continues. josiah grabs my phone to call for "backup", bill. i told ethan to go into the other room and pray. brooke was now hurting herself so badly i had to intervene. the boys got more upset. i was holding back the tears. after time...brooke finally calmed down and the chaos ended. i did find out the nature of her hurt and helped her as much as i could. she rested well that night.

the boys and i had a conversation later that night about what they saw and what there little minds were exposed to. i expressed to them what it means for brooke when she is hurting and can't express it, she doesn't point to her head, her arm...her ear and say..."this hurts." I told ethan, remember when you called me from school the other day and told me that your ear was hurting. i got you from school, took you to the doctor, and got you some medication for an ear infection that we didn't know you had. i then told ethan...brooke cannot do that. she cannot express to us what we long to hear. josiah and ethan understood. both of them have a heart of gold...and when it comes to their sister...they would do anything in this world for her.

we all are helpless, we cry out, we scream, we hit things, angry builds....because we hurt. we've all hurt within our lives...if you haven't...well, friend, it's coming. but then...there's that word...

"however."

He knows! period. we don't have to run down the list to figure it out. we don't have to call a friend or throw ourselves against a wall. He knows. He is aware of every pain, every heartache..and to be a bit more precise...HE even knows the very detail of it all before we do. can you imagine not being able to tell someone that you are hurting...physically or emotionally? can you imagine how it would feel if no one understood you as you cried? i can't. although i see it when i'm with brooke at times, i can't imagine how she could possibly feel.

Jesus does. He is aware.

Bill, my husband, just said something the other day that was encouraging to me."i don't need all the answers in order to trust that He has all the answers."

so...i trust, we trust.

happy birthday brooke!

14 years ago brooke came into our life...

it's funny, for years people would tell me, "brooke is such a blessing." i looked at them bewildered asking myself..."how in the world is THIS a blessing." i wasn't talking about brooke per say, but her disability.

today...i am more than eating those words, because everyday she is a blessing to me...more than a blessing...she is life and brings me breaths of fresh air everyday.


when she walks into a room you know it.
she can make you smile...just like that.
her laughter can ignite a downward soul.
her words are few but real.
her eyes can read you like a book.
her tears will drive you to seek answers.
she can make you dream, dare, discern the truth.
if you'll watch carefully she can allure you to her Maker.
and if you listen...she'll tell you things only God Himself would whisper in your ear.
she craves for dependence on her God...You can see His protection...hear the angel wings whisk by her side.
if you risk getting to know her...just for a moment...she'll allow you to see things in yourself you would dare to change...and in turn, you'll be blessed.
i know...i'm one...and i'm more than blessed to be her mom.


happy birthday baby! i love you...
Jesus has got you.

did you hear that?

a few weeks ago we had brooke over for a few days enjoying precious family time at our "relief" house. if you could see within our home it would look alittle like this...
i was at the end of the couch, brooke was at the other. ethan would either be in brooke's lap or playing the wii in his room. josiah would be in the chair playing his ds or watching tv. bill would be in the kitchen eating or making something...ha!

what you would hear would be another story...some moments were quiet, other times laughter, many times questions, and other times...the sound of the tv (cooking shows).

one moment...ethan was sitting in brooke's lap talking with her...out of the blue brooke blurted out something....we all heard it, but didn't listen close enough to understand what she said. in a heartbeat...ethan looked at brooke and asked, "what did you say, Brooke?" brooke looking into his eyes didn't respond with what she had previously said....she just glared into his eyes.

i wondered what it was, was she hungry, upset at something, needed to go to the toilet, was hot, cold...i wondered what she had said. were we too busy to listen to her? were we listening to something else when we should have been paying closer attention? i wondered. even moreso...i wondered what she said. for words...come far inbetween.

as you know, i'm a big thinker...and this one (a month later) has not escaped me. i thought about my relationship not only with my kids when they say something to me and i didn't listen/hear them....but my relationship to my God. my relationship with my God has been richer than its ever been in my 20+ years of knowing Him...but this made me consider..and make me ask these questions to myself.

does He tell me things and i'm too busy to hear?
Am i listening to other things/people instead of hearing from Him?
Do i hear Him, but forget what promises/truths He says to me?

brooke, always seems to show me something in regard my Lord...and she draws me closer to Him.

today...i'm listening. i don't wanta miss what Jesus says.

sometimes

i love visiting brooke everyday after school.

yesterday with my "time" with her...she was lying in her bed apparently "upset" over something unknown. i went in...her hands coupled together laying on her chest, her head on her pillow and headboard, and her covers crumbled up around her. i knew she had been upset...over what...we don't know.

with a risk of getting hit i layed down beside her and started singing "Jesus loves me." Without getting too much into the song her eyes start filling up with a tearful glaze. I don't know if it was my singing that made her want to cry....but i'd like to think that it was the song in itself.

Sometimes...you need to hear that Jesus loves you.

it's a miracle

tuesday, josiah, ethan and i took brooke back to her group home after spending the night with us while we were on break. i pulled up in the driveway, walked around the car, opened brooke's door and unbuckled her seat belt. standing back so she could get out of the van she sat there. i said to her, "Brooke, let's go in please." Brooke looked at me pulling the seatbelt and fastened it and said in response, "stay, i want ay." then she moved her legs away from the door, bowed and turned her head away from me. ethan, our youngest son, saw and heard this and shouted out, "ITS A MIRACLE!" i couldn't respond i was so amazed! i got into the van with brooke, got behind her, and almost forced her out of the van. she went inside the home (not happy)...and laid in her bed.

when i left, i told her i loved her...and she said "momma." my heart sank.

for those who are not familiar with brooke....this was a moment to remember....to celebrate...to thank the Lord for! Brooke will respond with things, either by her behaviors or some choice words she already knows. i've never heard brooke say "stay" voluntarily. it was, as ethan said, a miracle. over the past couple months she seems to be "waking" up....and responding so naturally. it's been a treasure. i'm not sure how long this will last...if this is a phase....or if she is just getting older and things are happening. in moments as this....bitter sweet...oh yes! but like i said previously the sweet overpowers the bitter.

so grateful for those that work with brooke at The Learning Tree. I'm thankful for their faithfulness to children such as brooke.


God is up to something...
He always has been up to something...
i'm seeing this is our year. our year of jubilee!

bitter-sweet

this season of my life has been bitter-sweet...

sweet in the way that brooke has been able to spend so much time w/us. she seems to be doing really well lately. as you know she spent time w/us during Thanksgiving...and last Monday we picked her up for a trip to Memphis. We had her until tonight. It was a joy being w/her and my present alone was to sit beside her...laughing, tearing packages apart, eating, being still, sleeping, stealing kisses and hugs, and the list goes on. she has been a delight.

just tonight when i took her back to her group home...one of her staff told me what happened last sunday after they left church. she said they took the girls to Krystals because they were doing so well and afterwards brooke cried and whimpered all day long, calling out my name, "mommy" and calling out for Josiah, "joey". she said...she cried all day long. then she said, "dani, she just wanted to be w/you".... tug, tug, tug...my heart sank!!!!

that leads me to the bitter side. my heart ached tonight as i took her to her group home. i had been at her side the whole week...how could i walk away and leave her? it was hard. it is hard. God is aware of our circumstances and will cover, shield, protect, keep close....when our family is apart. "oh Lord....make a way".

bitter? yep.

sweet? it over powers the bitter!

focused

i've noticed something. something i haven't seen before. it left me different than when i stepped into brooke's bedroom today.

brooke was lying in her bed when i walked in...patiently resting. she seemed tired but focused. weary but driven. i jumped on top of her and kissed her gently...then laid beside of her and watched her. i watched her eyes...very intense today. i stroked her hair. kissed her face. held her hands. her eyes though...were starring at something. i would turn her head..she'd turn it back. i'd move my hands in front of her eyes...she didn't budge. then i looked at the wall...where she was looking and i couldn't help but smile. across from her bed is a frame with several pictures in it of all of us. my mom/dad/josiah/ethan/brooke and me/brooke and bill. of course it made me wonder what she was thinking about as she gazed at the pictures. i had about 50 questions for her...none she answered. she didn't seem to mind that i was in the room...she wasn't concerned with the little things...she was just focused.

i left her little group home today w/a different perspective that she gave me. i have to stay focused on Him. No matter what draws my attention from Him...it's imperative i gaze and focus...even when i'm weary...even when i'm not.

nothing allured her away today...i pray nothing would allure me away either.

thank you

there are some words brooke cannot say or that seems hard for her...and then, there are some words brooke says really well...and "thank you" is one of those (well, two). you can be taking her to the bathroom, helping her eat, changing her clothes, watching tv with her, hugging, kissing, tickling, playing chase, swinging on a swing, brushing her hair, holding her hand, looking at a book, or like today....

laying beside her in her bed and you'll hear "thank you!", with a happy little grin.

i've been thinking on that today...thinking on how thankful she is. she's thankful for the little things, things of what we call mundane, or simple...

i know there will be some questions of some out there that will ask, "how do you know if she's really thankful?"

well...you can look at her life and tell.

you can look at her smile and know.

you can see it in her eyes... she's thankful!

i desire to be just like her....to be so thankful for the little things that come my way...or the simple things that i take for granted.

i love you brookie..."thank you!"

selah

i have fallen in love with the word "selah". it has brought new meaning to me as of late and, too, i recently reconnected with a precious friend and she named her sweet little girl "selah". love it!!

as you know i see brooke everyday at her group home. i have recently called them my "selah moments"...where my day stops mid-stream and i'm still and quiet with brooke at my side and i just soak in every tiny moment.
these past 2 days have been a bit different from the rest (no pun intended). i usually find her on the couch when i arrive....i come in and sit next to her, her legs extended over my legs and i just watch her, sing to her, brush her hair, and, as i said...am still. monday and then again today i found her in her room laying on top of her comforter. i was quick to jump in and lay right beside her. today and yesterday she put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. today...she took an extra step in the process...i laid my head on her shoulder and with her opposite hand reached over and grabbed my head to pull me closer (and yes...ha, with a bit of force)...within minutes i felt her hand loosen up a bit and looking at her eyes..she had fallen asleep. to me, as her mom...it was precious. i sighed a sigh of relief and yes, rest...as both of us paused (selah) in our day.

i long to see her tomorrow to pause, to be still, to rest with her...again.

thanksgiving=grateful

the day after Thanksgiving we had some time off...so we drove up to Memphis, Tn to see our families. to make the trip even better than ever was Brooke. i picked her up from the group home...and she was 'ready' for a roadtrip. as i told her staff when we returned, brooke did marvelous on the trip and our families' homes. we laughed, played small games of chase, ate, ate...and ate somemore, slept longer than we normally.

one night; however, after taking brooke to the bathroom she decided to stay up...and stay up she did...talking and chattering about something none of us where aware of. although we were not aware of what she was saying...the Lord sure did. that night made me think of a few things...one being this...

in romans 8 it speaks of how our prayers are like utters/wordless sighs/aching groans...but Jesus sits at the right hand of God and intercedes on our behalf when we cannot get out what we want to say. her uttering/chattering reminded me of this very thing...whether or not she was praying i have no clue...but she didn't care that no one else in the house didn't sleep..she just got up and chattered. i betcha though that the Lord understood every single word...and met her right where she was at.

i too...need to do the same. utter, chatter away...and allow the Lord to intercede on my behalf when words are just too difficult to say. The Lord knows our hearts....and He knows that we all needed those few days of being together to show us His wonders....His love...to show us Himself...and for me, to teach me again, thru brooke, how i can pray when words are just too hard...

so grateful!

spending my Thanksgiving with brooke in my lap...6 boys .. and my precious husband. later, we are headed to the beach.

come friday!

that song, "come monday..it'll be alright"...comes to mind when i think of our friday!

friday we will make our way "home" to memphis, tn. we are really excited to go home for the holidays...thinking this will be our only time to go for the remainder of the year. we are working both thanksgiving and Christmas...but thankfully..we are breaking away for a couple days to see parents, eat some great food, see precious friends, and just be together.

what makes it a bit more "alright"....brooke is coming along! yippee!!! i'm sure this will be an adventure, a challenge at times, and a time full of laughter...unspoken words...and memories to hold on to for a long time to come.

so....come friday i'll have a skip in my step and a song in my heart for our family will be ALL together (in a car)..for 6 hours or more. ha!!! sorta makes you wanta pray for us, doesn't it.? we welcome them!

i'm sure i'll have stories to share...and pictures to post...until then...
happy thanksgiving from our chester home to yours.

excuses

i wish i could muster up of why i haven't written in a while...i don't really have any excuses.
my world is crazy busy....let me see if i can express how.

i get up at, well...early... sit down w/the boys in the home for breakfast to start our day. the boys leave around 7:15...then i start my morning...reading my Bible, praying for the unknowns of my day. during the next few hours i may have meetings, laundry, prepare dinner, schedule my week, grocery shop, do things around our home, make mosaics for shabar ministries, and run errands! whew...

then the fun!!! around 2:00 everyday i go to brooke's group home and spend some quality time sitting next to her on the couch. it's a perfect "tea time"...she watches tv...and i watch her...pray for her, sing to her, laugh with her, and learn from her.

after spending around 40 minutes of time with her i run off to get the boys from school.....just around the corner. after we get home...it's snack time, homework time, and play time. in between all those i'm finishing up dinner to eat around 5:30. eat, chores, take showers, and have a bit of r/r for the remainder of the day...8:00pm we are putting little heads to bed, praying over them and their families...and then laying down, praying, laughing, singing, sharing stories with our own 2 bouncy boys!

around 9:00 i'm done! we are grateful to be apart of the lives of others.

so i have no excuses. it's just life for me right now.

are you okay?

i was reading over some past blogs...and i had to copy/paste this one...because it's exactly how i was feeling today.
=========
there are times when brooke puts a couple words together or she echos something....today she said, "are you okay?"......man, when she asked me that....i feel like taking her to get a coke and sitting her down face to face and say, "ya know honey....i'm not okay-i think about you constantly, i wanta know what's going on in your mind, i wanta know what you do daily, i wanta know what foods you eat...i wanta know what you want me to do for you, for our future...i want to see you everyday, but sometimes i can't....i wanta spend every moment w/you in a day..but i cannot. i wanta know what makes you cry, laugh, be so scared at it makes you shake. i wanta know.....
so...no, brooke i'm not okay---because baby, your not w/me."

Jesus has got you baby...

lessons from brooke

the past week when we were on our "break" time...brooke spent the night. this time it was a bit different...bill suggested she "skip" school. (sorry LT staff). it was so great to wake up and not be in a rush to get her somewhere...or us for that matter. we snuggled in bed, i made her a yummy breakfast, watched a little tv, chick-fi-la picnic...then....took a little trip to fairhope. we love fairhope! brooke loves the pier. she just enjoys walking on it...and then turning around to walk back. too fun! it is the little things in life, right?

on our walk i had a cherry pepsi (of course)! she grabbed it from my hand drank a bit....and then SPLASH...into the bay and kept walking. (sorry ocean for the rubbish). i thought it was a bit funny. if you know brooke..then you know when she is done with something or someone she is DONE. she doesn't care or for that matter, understand. i walked away learning a little something from her in that moment....

there are things in our life we just need to throw away and then keep walking. no looking back. no jumping in to get what we threw away...just keep walking.

so that is what WE did...we kept walking.

family time

we've had some great family time recently..

just speechless today...so i thought i'd let you see some shots. more to come later.

swinging

this girl loves to swing. she takes after her mom...because one of my favorite things to do is swing from a big swing! she always seems to have the biggest smile on her face followed by great laughter!

she's seems to be feeling much better. when i saw her yesterday at the group home her hands were shaking pretty badly...but today they seemed much better. hum...don't really know why. she seems to be filled w/mystery.

we are headed off to break....and then finally back on our regular schedule. we are hoping to get brooke on monday and tuesday. (i'm hoping she can skip school on tuesday).

i've got some great family photos of us...so when i get back in town....i'll put them up.

under the weather

i got a call on saturday that brooke's cheek was swollen and she had to go to the er to get things checked out. turns out she had a UTI and maybe a staph infection. (i was out of town and couldn't go like i wanted to).

today she woke up and again her cheek was swollen she had been bumping into things and had even fallen when she was walking. today i met them at the doctor's office to find out she more than likely has a staph infection in her face. they swabbed her throat for strep and we will find about that on thursday. she is on antibiotics to get this thing out of here.....i hope it goes soon!

this picture was taken at the doctors office today...all smiles of course! :)

holding on.

we recently moved into a new "relief" house from the home. brooke has adjusted really well in it. just this past weekend she stayed over on a visit and i loved every moment of it. she enjoyed eating french fries...hamburgers...fruit...buscuits...sasuage...and of course some yummy ice cream.
sunday night she fell asleep in our bed so of course i jumped in w/her....in the middle of the night she rolled over and grabbed my arm and just hung on. it was simply beautiful! i probably was in the most uncomfortable spot (and my neck told me in the morning). however....i couldn't move...didn't want to move in fear she would roll back over and the moment would be gone.

these are the moments i love...they are precious to me as a mom.
i think about these moments w/the Lord....and how He longs for us to reach over and grab Him...just because. NOT because we need something, or we need to hang on for dear life...but just because. just because we love HIM....because HE loves us.

now that is precious...and today, i'm holding on to His arm.

you...

don't care that your hair is messy. that others sometime stare at you. that you really don't care what you eat...as long as you do. you don't mind letting others help you. you enjoy laughing, smiling. you see life through a different perspective than me. you are remarkable. you let others push you til you get it right (yes, sometimes fighting..ha). you don't seem to mind letting others make decisions for you when you don't know. you love life. you love it when i sing to you...even off key, but you don't mind. you are beautiful....
you make me dream bigger.
you make me push harder than i've pushed before.
you make me see life through different eyes.

you are my gift...
you..are!