random talk

recently i was chatting w/my best friend about brooke. this is what i said:

i hate autism. i hate that i can never have a conversation w/brooke like i do with others (the same age). i hate i can't tell her not to wear that outfit, i hate she is just not down the hall from me for me to peek in to watch her sleep, or give her medication when she is sick, or go to the movies and laugh/cry, i hate to see her hurt or to have anxiety over the smallest things. i hate leaving her house that she calls "home" and that i call "her school".

but i love the way she looks at me...even if she is not smiling...even it it's just a look of "what's wrong", or i'm sad, or what's going to happen now.

being a mom is the hardest job i've ever had. but i love it so much.

i love Romans 11:33-36. i'm reminded of this passage tonight. He is the only wise God...and I am in constant need of His wisdom, strength, love, and grace. I'm thankful He gives it to me. He blows me away...even in the midst of my uncontrollable circumstances.

still waiting....

i've waited forever for this day...brooke's cast was coming off and a walking boot was coming on; BUT, there was a change of plans. brooke's leg still needs some time to heal so we will wait 2 more weeks and then she'll be in the walking boot, and it could be up to 4 weeks!

the bed she had in our house is now officially in her room at the LT. I didn't get a chance to see it today, but in the morning i plan to go and take some pictures of her w/dad/me/bed! i love her bed! i hope that when she got back to her room today she found it to be a nice surprise.

next week is IEP week. IEP (individual education plan). those are always bitter/sweet. you see how she is doing and how far she has to go. As far as how she is doing i've heard from a 'reliable' source that her behaviors have decreased and she is showing great strides! i hope this continues even when she returns to campus...we will see. i have high hopes.

she steals my heart, she makes me smile, she stirs my imagination, she makes me dream, she allures my soul to the Lord, she makes me do things i normally would not do. i love this little girl with all that is within me.

future

lately i've thought alot of your future brooke...where will we be 5 years from now or will you ever come and live w/us again? there is alot to consider but i'm grateful He knows and His way is perfect. (ps. 18)

HE IS ALIVE

We had the best day! I had the opportunity to do 2 palm paintings (http://www.shabarministries.blogspot.com/) and not only was that great for me but Brooke came! Bill wheeled her down the front and she watched me paint. i wish i could have seen her face. But from what i heard she had big smiles. I heard her on occasion and loved hearing her random blabs, then sometimes i heard nothing like you could hear a pin drop. She was in a happy mood today and i was so glad to be in church w/her, sitting beside her, holding her hand, watching her look into my eyes...it was precious and this is a day i'll remember for a long time to come.

this is not new news:

I miss you Brooke...more than i could paint on a canvas, write on a page, sing outloud, or even breath the smallest breath. I wish i could lay beside you tonight. why does my heart grieve so badly for you at times and other times laugh so hard when i'm in your presence? i will never understand the heart of a mother.

new cast decoration!

the boys had a great visit w/brooke yesterday. brooke (in these pictures) seems alittle preoccupied with the T.V. i'm going to see her today again, w/us being on break. she is precious and love being at her side!

a new day!

today was a good day! after many weeks brooke got her pins out of her leg and her cast off. However, she got another cast on (this one is bright organge!). This time she finally can bend her knee. I can't imagine how she feels having that thing off. The doctor said that the bone that was broken is the worst (on the leg) to heal....so a few more weeks in this cast and then a walking boot...and then we are FREE!!!! She can put some weight on her leg but w/assitance. Since she was having such a hard time after the event...i wasn't able to get some good pictures, so i hope to get some tomorrow as i see her and of course, sign her cast!

Thanks TLT staff for your hard work these past several weeks. i know it hasn't been the easiest job with bathing, staying up all hours of the night, staying right near her side, feeding her, and mostly loving her when i cannot be there to do what you do. I know we still have a ways to go...we are just one day closer.

i love you brooke! i'll see you very soon!