my day in b/ham

well, it turned out that brooke didn't get any work on her tooth. she'll be going to another doctor that will be able to assit her better. seeing her today took my breath away. they had given her some meds for her to be calm.....b/c of that she was so sweet. very relaxed.....and loving. she just held on to me as i laid my head on her lap. it was great to see her...even if it was 15 minutes. i always say "it's the little things in life"....and it was today-the little touch, the little smile, the little words of "mommy", "yep", are you okay......man, when she asked me that....i felt like taking her to get a coke and sitting down and saying, ya know honey....i'm not okay-i think about you constantly, i wanta know what's going on in your mind, i wanta know what you do daily, i wanta know what foods you eat....no, brooke i'm not okay---b/c your not w/me. but i held my tongue and said, yeah brooke....mommy is okay. my favortie singer is sara groves. she sings this song called "it's gonna be alright". i think of today-and think of that song....remembering, yeah....it's gonna be okay, brooke. with you in His hands...and with the Comforter at my side...we both are going to be okay.

it's real

grief....it comes and goes, does it not. tonight i feel as if i cannot move. yes, i trust God completely...but the pain is real. be my refuge and fortress whereunto i can continuely resort.

ps. 71.3

bitter-sweet

it's a bitter sweet weekend for me. brooke was suppose to come home but as stated earlier she cannot. i think the next time we can get her for a visit is Thanksgiving. I wish it was already here. i say bitter-sweet b/c i get to get away for the weekend (this signifies the sweet--ha). i need the time to be by myself---yet at the same time surrounded by other ladies i don't know. My precious friend will be doing a retreat...and it turned out i get to go. what makes it bitter-sweet is that i get to show my mosaics to others this weekend....which the whole reason i do them is for Brooke. She will constantly be on my mind as i talk/share w/other ladies how brokenness really does bring healing. i love you brooke-e

no visit

our visit w/brooke will not happen this weekend. the nurse called this morning and reported she has taken some stitches out already. the problem is if she continues to do this the wound will get worse and they will have to do something else. next week, however, i do get to see her...but i doubt she will remember me being there. she is getting her tooth fixed and they will be putting her under. the nurse told me it took 3 adults to get her calm the other day saturday night from anxiety and behavior problems. i hurt for her. please continue to pray on her behalf.

small accident

Brooke had an accident last night that took her to the er. She is better now. However she has 5 stitches on her mouth. If you know anything about brooke she is very bad about "picking"....picking sores, her mouth, her hands, etc.... They are trying to redirect her to stop touching her mouth where the stitches are. If not, she'll pull them out. Pray she is healed soon so that this doesn't become a future problem. i went up to see her last night as soon as i found out. it was great to see her...i hate under those circumstances though. right before i left i got to lay down beside her in her bed and hold her. It reminded me of God. When he knows we've fallen to the ground....He comes. Even in the middle of the night. He lays beside us and holds us....praying for us and brings healing to our brokenness. His touch is worth it all.

the swing

the pine needles and grass are pressed down where brooke has been this weekend at home. The swing she loves has been unactive until this past weekend. The swing. I don't know if you remember your childhood of swinging, but there is something about flying in the air. brooke only goes so far....her feet hit the ground each time she lifts off....in the air..and back on the ground again. I love to swing. sometimes i'll just randomly stop at some playground and just swing. brooke and i have that in common. the pine needles and grass will start edging there way from the ground where they were stepped on until brooke comes home again.

it thrilled me so to have her home for 24 hours. she smiled so much....she got a hair cut...and ate anything she wanted! here are the latest pictures of her and the swing.

are you kidding me?

This past weekend i was in an art show....as this lady was purchasing some of my work she asked me if i could do others for her.....I said, "sure"....then she said "is it a problem that i live in birmingham"....hummm, i said "well, no, my daughter lives there and i go down there twice a month." as she wrote out her information for me, she asked me where my daughter lived. oh boy--here we go.... I said" well, she is autistic and is living at a place called Glenwood." she looked at me and said, we had some one in our family that went there years ago. She asked me if i knew Alan Scott. (Alan Scott is the founder of Glenwood.....it was his son she was referring to.) She then said that they were related to Alan Scott and she knew exactly where Glenwood was. I was amazed to say the least.....such a small world. God keeps confirming to me that Glenwood is the place for her. This story made me smile....and thank God even more.

it's hard to talk about brooke when i don't get to "see" her to find out really how she is doing. our next visit w/her is at the end of this month. i'm not sure how long we get to see/keep her. it's kinda up in the air with how they think she is adjusting. if you would like to know her address to send her mail...please email me personally for the information. bill and i are trying to send her something each week. My peace still remains.....and what a gift this is from God. we all miss her. Josiah during our dinner time.....prays for brooke-i wish you could hear him. it's so precious. i don't know what all they comprehend....but i do know they love her and that she and will always remain part of this family. I love you brooke.....you are a gift from God....i'm blessed in knowing you not only as a mom but a friend. always yours.....

freedom at last!

For serveral years i've been holding on to the idea that i was the one that put her in the Learning Tree and now Glenwood....because i didn't try hard enough, i didn't do enough to get her better, i was weaker than her and i just couldn't....however, today i gotta say I am not under that guilt anymore! This past Thursday i was able to release that to the Lord. Freeing is not even a word to express the burden i carried around. Praise be to God!

i wanted also to share some pictures of our last visit. my parents came down to see her this past saturday. we had such a good day-may the pictures reveal our day. Our next visit w/brooke is at the end of sept. (you can click on any picture to see up closer)

Prayer

Lord, i pray for Brooke right now, hold her close to your heart. I love her dearly Lord....help her to learn, play. I desire Lord for her to happy. Help her settle in her new home life. I pray for those that work with her...i first pray for their salvation. that each one would come to know you personally if they do not already. Give them guidance, strength, wisdom to direct brooke. I know Lord you have already sent your angels charge over her.....those is no reason that i should wonder or fret of her safety....b/c you Lord have set it in stone.
Thank you for what You are doing in and thru her life.....and in and thru my life. Your timing is perfect...You are perfect. Let her know i love her.....amen

new home

friday went as expected. the first part of the day was filled up w/meetings. then we were able to fix up her room. it was raining badly so we just went next door to say bye to brooke. she came running down the hall w/a big grin. hugging bill and me. it was precious. we hear she adjusted well to her new room. i'll be calling tomorrow to check in on her. i'll get to see her for labor day. then after that i'll get to see her the end of the month just for a day.
today has been tough.....just thinking about her makes me take deep breaths thinking of how she is...what she's doing. the pain is great. but God is greater. thanks to all who have been praying for this transition.

friday

please pray for brooke and her family on friday the 24th. she will be going in her placement at Glenwood. we won't get to see her as often as we have been.....

lately her behavior has been bad.....

pray for stable environment.

thoughts

brooke is still not in her home yet, it should be soon. i saw her saturday and will see her again on saturday with the boys. (my mom and dad may go too). it's been hard. i miss her with every breath i take.....i'm hurting and feel numb.

home,diet,health

well...brooke will be moving in her home soon. as soon as we get the call we will go and sign all the papers to make things offical. She's doing well in her home....they took her off the gluten part of the diet and are seeing good signs, they also took her off one of the medications and they have given great reports on that.

it looks like though, we won't get to see brooke very much as we do now when she gets in her new home. i'm hurt by this news....but God knows my pain and interceeds on my behalf. grieving is difficult and relieving all at the same time.

His angels

Today a friend went w/me to see brooke. the boys were able to go too. it was a good visit. the main thing i have to say that took me by surprise was...we went to the chapel on campus and before you went in you saw this bench marker i read the words and Knew God was not only speaking to Brooke but me to. the second picture is what i love the most. the passage is ps. 91.11. if you click on the picture you can see it upclose.

the smile i've longed for....

it's the smile i've waited to see. today's visit this saturday was really good. thankfully brooke wanted to stay in her room the whole time, so we got alot of one on one. it was good to see her smile....it was good for her to lean her forehead at me for a kiss. i've longed for this.....and i got it today....

our saturday

just wanted to give an update w/pictures of brooke and how she is doing. today (saturday)...it was good to see her. when we got there she noticed us and came to us and i was quick to give her a hug. it was raining the whole time, and the other children were alittle upset without getting to see their parents.....so we just took a drive around the area. if you notice she has a black eye....how i don't know, they say it was a reaction to medication, but i will discuss that w/them on wednesday on the team meeting days. it's kinda of a crazy few weeks sorry i haven't been able to keep you updated as i would have liked. she seems to be doing good in the program and we pray she'll continue adjusting. thanks to Jesus for being at her side every moment...this picture is for you brooke...and my dear friend trisha...

this is glenwoods sign coming in

bill and brooke
me and brooke
brooke w/josiah
ethan and brooke

the house she lives in now...

the house she'll move into

wednesday

wednesday we will leave for a team meeting for brooke. in fact, each wednesday we can come for the team meeting for her--to find out how she is doing, changes, etc.....i plan on making those bi-weekly...this weeks is very important. we will be talking about the medication she is on that makes her sleepy.....i'm hoping some changes will occur during the meeting.

for me things are hitting home that she is away-i've cried many tears...but i trust Jesus that His arms are better than mine.

trust

the Father said "do you trust me"..... with tears i asked...."Lord, what are you going to do, where are you going, how long will it take, tell me your thouths?" the Father said... " i'm sorry i cannot tell you, do you trust me?" with tears streaming down....i said "yes, i trust you".

recently this conversation came between me and the Lord. I wake up every morning and tell Him.....Lord i trust you for today. Looking ahead is to hard....and it makes me worry. but as His word says.....don't worry about tomorrow, for it will take care of itself.

of course, the tears still come....i still hurt...but I trust Him.

our monday

monday i thought would never end. we got to the hospital to get brooke. it was great to take her out of the hospital in our car. while she was in the hospital she was on some medication that now we regret agreeing on. she sleeps all the time which basicly limits her behaviors. we then took her to glenwood where we had an extensive meeting w/various staff. then we were able to go to her room (which she won't be in long-then she'll move into the the long term area---different house). so i wasn't able to decorate or anything..... she looked so sad, all i think b/c of the meds. she just stayed in her bed the whole time. we unloaded her stuff.....and got her room "dora" proof. ha/. then it was time to go. i leaned my head into hers and prayed. she just sat there as if she was being held by Jesus Himself.

since then bill and i have had some time to be alone. we went to a lake and spen time on a boat....sharing, crying, laughing.

brooke has not been adjusting well.....as we have talked w/them daily. i'll be going down on wednesday for a meeting and hopefully we will be able to sort out the meds.
thank you for your prayers during the difficult and trying time. i'm not afraid to say i'm hurting for her as a mother would.....but i'm confident she is in His hands and i'm not afraid of that.