hurting

brooke's birthday was good. she ate one of her favorite meals...then we made a trip to "chill," a yogurt place in our neck of the woods. it was good stuff. she spent the evening with us...and half of the next day. we picked her up again after school the following day and couldn't get enough of laughter, smiles, sweet glances, and the special encounters she has with the boys.

however, there always seems to have a "however" in a story, right?

the last day we had her she got very upset. she had tears in her eyes which is rare for brooke. her behaviors started to escalate...and they became very intense. bill had gone out to get her medication from the group home and it was just me and the boys...and brooke. soon she started biting herself, hitting walls, tv's, screaming words i couldn't understand, tears were rolling, josiah and ethan were crying...in concern for brooke, and i was going thru all my questions to self.

is she hungry? what did she eat last? does she need to use the restroom? does she want to be here? is she thirsty? is she hurting? if she is hurting..then where, how does it hurt? the questions were endless. while i'm running down my list in my head...the chaos in the house continues. josiah grabs my phone to call for "backup", bill. i told ethan to go into the other room and pray. brooke was now hurting herself so badly i had to intervene. the boys got more upset. i was holding back the tears. after time...brooke finally calmed down and the chaos ended. i did find out the nature of her hurt and helped her as much as i could. she rested well that night.

the boys and i had a conversation later that night about what they saw and what there little minds were exposed to. i expressed to them what it means for brooke when she is hurting and can't express it, she doesn't point to her head, her arm...her ear and say..."this hurts." I told ethan, remember when you called me from school the other day and told me that your ear was hurting. i got you from school, took you to the doctor, and got you some medication for an ear infection that we didn't know you had. i then told ethan...brooke cannot do that. she cannot express to us what we long to hear. josiah and ethan understood. both of them have a heart of gold...and when it comes to their sister...they would do anything in this world for her.

we all are helpless, we cry out, we scream, we hit things, angry builds....because we hurt. we've all hurt within our lives...if you haven't...well, friend, it's coming. but then...there's that word...

"however."

He knows! period. we don't have to run down the list to figure it out. we don't have to call a friend or throw ourselves against a wall. He knows. He is aware of every pain, every heartache..and to be a bit more precise...HE even knows the very detail of it all before we do. can you imagine not being able to tell someone that you are hurting...physically or emotionally? can you imagine how it would feel if no one understood you as you cried? i can't. although i see it when i'm with brooke at times, i can't imagine how she could possibly feel.

Jesus does. He is aware.

Bill, my husband, just said something the other day that was encouraging to me."i don't need all the answers in order to trust that He has all the answers."

so...i trust, we trust.