bitter-sweet

this season of my life has been bitter-sweet...

sweet in the way that brooke has been able to spend so much time w/us. she seems to be doing really well lately. as you know she spent time w/us during Thanksgiving...and last Monday we picked her up for a trip to Memphis. We had her until tonight. It was a joy being w/her and my present alone was to sit beside her...laughing, tearing packages apart, eating, being still, sleeping, stealing kisses and hugs, and the list goes on. she has been a delight.

just tonight when i took her back to her group home...one of her staff told me what happened last sunday after they left church. she said they took the girls to Krystals because they were doing so well and afterwards brooke cried and whimpered all day long, calling out my name, "mommy" and calling out for Josiah, "joey". she said...she cried all day long. then she said, "dani, she just wanted to be w/you".... tug, tug, tug...my heart sank!!!!

that leads me to the bitter side. my heart ached tonight as i took her to her group home. i had been at her side the whole week...how could i walk away and leave her? it was hard. it is hard. God is aware of our circumstances and will cover, shield, protect, keep close....when our family is apart. "oh Lord....make a way".

bitter? yep.

sweet? it over powers the bitter!

focused

i've noticed something. something i haven't seen before. it left me different than when i stepped into brooke's bedroom today.

brooke was lying in her bed when i walked in...patiently resting. she seemed tired but focused. weary but driven. i jumped on top of her and kissed her gently...then laid beside of her and watched her. i watched her eyes...very intense today. i stroked her hair. kissed her face. held her hands. her eyes though...were starring at something. i would turn her head..she'd turn it back. i'd move my hands in front of her eyes...she didn't budge. then i looked at the wall...where she was looking and i couldn't help but smile. across from her bed is a frame with several pictures in it of all of us. my mom/dad/josiah/ethan/brooke and me/brooke and bill. of course it made me wonder what she was thinking about as she gazed at the pictures. i had about 50 questions for her...none she answered. she didn't seem to mind that i was in the room...she wasn't concerned with the little things...she was just focused.

i left her little group home today w/a different perspective that she gave me. i have to stay focused on Him. No matter what draws my attention from Him...it's imperative i gaze and focus...even when i'm weary...even when i'm not.

nothing allured her away today...i pray nothing would allure me away either.

thank you

there are some words brooke cannot say or that seems hard for her...and then, there are some words brooke says really well...and "thank you" is one of those (well, two). you can be taking her to the bathroom, helping her eat, changing her clothes, watching tv with her, hugging, kissing, tickling, playing chase, swinging on a swing, brushing her hair, holding her hand, looking at a book, or like today....

laying beside her in her bed and you'll hear "thank you!", with a happy little grin.

i've been thinking on that today...thinking on how thankful she is. she's thankful for the little things, things of what we call mundane, or simple...

i know there will be some questions of some out there that will ask, "how do you know if she's really thankful?"

well...you can look at her life and tell.

you can look at her smile and know.

you can see it in her eyes... she's thankful!

i desire to be just like her....to be so thankful for the little things that come my way...or the simple things that i take for granted.

i love you brookie..."thank you!"

selah

i have fallen in love with the word "selah". it has brought new meaning to me as of late and, too, i recently reconnected with a precious friend and she named her sweet little girl "selah". love it!!

as you know i see brooke everyday at her group home. i have recently called them my "selah moments"...where my day stops mid-stream and i'm still and quiet with brooke at my side and i just soak in every tiny moment.
these past 2 days have been a bit different from the rest (no pun intended). i usually find her on the couch when i arrive....i come in and sit next to her, her legs extended over my legs and i just watch her, sing to her, brush her hair, and, as i said...am still. monday and then again today i found her in her room laying on top of her comforter. i was quick to jump in and lay right beside her. today and yesterday she put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. today...she took an extra step in the process...i laid my head on her shoulder and with her opposite hand reached over and grabbed my head to pull me closer (and yes...ha, with a bit of force)...within minutes i felt her hand loosen up a bit and looking at her eyes..she had fallen asleep. to me, as her mom...it was precious. i sighed a sigh of relief and yes, rest...as both of us paused (selah) in our day.

i long to see her tomorrow to pause, to be still, to rest with her...again.

thanksgiving=grateful

the day after Thanksgiving we had some time off...so we drove up to Memphis, Tn to see our families. to make the trip even better than ever was Brooke. i picked her up from the group home...and she was 'ready' for a roadtrip. as i told her staff when we returned, brooke did marvelous on the trip and our families' homes. we laughed, played small games of chase, ate, ate...and ate somemore, slept longer than we normally.

one night; however, after taking brooke to the bathroom she decided to stay up...and stay up she did...talking and chattering about something none of us where aware of. although we were not aware of what she was saying...the Lord sure did. that night made me think of a few things...one being this...

in romans 8 it speaks of how our prayers are like utters/wordless sighs/aching groans...but Jesus sits at the right hand of God and intercedes on our behalf when we cannot get out what we want to say. her uttering/chattering reminded me of this very thing...whether or not she was praying i have no clue...but she didn't care that no one else in the house didn't sleep..she just got up and chattered. i betcha though that the Lord understood every single word...and met her right where she was at.

i too...need to do the same. utter, chatter away...and allow the Lord to intercede on my behalf when words are just too difficult to say. The Lord knows our hearts....and He knows that we all needed those few days of being together to show us His wonders....His love...to show us Himself...and for me, to teach me again, thru brooke, how i can pray when words are just too hard...

so grateful!