Saturday, March 12, 2011


brooke's birthday was good. she ate one of her favorite meals...then we made a trip to "chill," a yogurt place in our neck of the woods. it was good stuff. she spent the evening with us...and half of the next day. we picked her up again after school the following day and couldn't get enough of laughter, smiles, sweet glances, and the special encounters she has with the boys.

however, there always seems to have a "however" in a story, right?

the last day we had her she got very upset. she had tears in her eyes which is rare for brooke. her behaviors started to escalate...and they became very intense. bill had gone out to get her medication from the group home and it was just me and the boys...and brooke. soon she started biting herself, hitting walls, tv's, screaming words i couldn't understand, tears were rolling, josiah and ethan were concern for brooke, and i was going thru all my questions to self.

is she hungry? what did she eat last? does she need to use the restroom? does she want to be here? is she thirsty? is she hurting? if she is hurting..then where, how does it hurt? the questions were endless. while i'm running down my list in my head...the chaos in the house continues. josiah grabs my phone to call for "backup", bill. i told ethan to go into the other room and pray. brooke was now hurting herself so badly i had to intervene. the boys got more upset. i was holding back the tears. after time...brooke finally calmed down and the chaos ended. i did find out the nature of her hurt and helped her as much as i could. she rested well that night.

the boys and i had a conversation later that night about what they saw and what there little minds were exposed to. i expressed to them what it means for brooke when she is hurting and can't express it, she doesn't point to her head, her arm...her ear and say..."this hurts." I told ethan, remember when you called me from school the other day and told me that your ear was hurting. i got you from school, took you to the doctor, and got you some medication for an ear infection that we didn't know you had. i then told ethan...brooke cannot do that. she cannot express to us what we long to hear. josiah and ethan understood. both of them have a heart of gold...and when it comes to their sister...they would do anything in this world for her.

we all are helpless, we cry out, we scream, we hit things, angry builds....because we hurt. we've all hurt within our lives...if you haven't...well, friend, it's coming. but then...there's that word...


He knows! period. we don't have to run down the list to figure it out. we don't have to call a friend or throw ourselves against a wall. He knows. He is aware of every pain, every heartache..and to be a bit more precise...HE even knows the very detail of it all before we do. can you imagine not being able to tell someone that you are hurting...physically or emotionally? can you imagine how it would feel if no one understood you as you cried? i can't. although i see it when i'm with brooke at times, i can't imagine how she could possibly feel.

Jesus does. He is aware.
Bill, my husband, just said something the other day that was encouraging to me."i don't need all the answers in order to trust that He has all the answers."

so...i trust, we trust.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

happy birthday brooke!

14 years ago brooke came into our life...

it's funny, for years people would tell me, "brooke is such a blessing." i looked at them bewildered asking myself..."how in the world is THIS a blessing." i wasn't talking about brooke per say, but her disability.

today...i am more than eating those words, because everyday she is a blessing to me...more than a blessing...she is life and brings me breaths of fresh air everyday.

when she walks into a room you know it.
she can make you smile...just like that.
her laughter can ignite a downward soul.
her words are few but real.
her eyes can read you like a book.
her tears will drive you to seek answers.
she can make you dream, dare, discern the truth.
if you'll watch carefully she can allure you to her Maker.
and if you listen...she'll tell you things only God Himself would whisper in your ear.
she craves for dependence on her God...You can see His protection...hear the angel wings whisk by her side.
if you risk getting to know her...just for a moment...she'll allow you to see things in yourself you would dare to change...and in turn, you'll be blessed.
i know...i'm one...and i'm more than blessed to be her mom.

happy birthday baby! i love you...
Jesus has got you.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

did you hear that?

a few weeks ago we had brooke over for a few days enjoying precious family time at our "relief" house. if you could see within our home it would look alittle like this...
i was at the end of the couch, brooke was at the other. ethan would either be in brooke's lap or playing the wii in his room. josiah would be in the chair playing his ds or watching tv. bill would be in the kitchen eating or making something...ha!

what you would hear would be another story...some moments were quiet, other times laughter, many times questions, and other times...the sound of the tv (cooking shows).

one moment...ethan was sitting in brooke's lap talking with her...out of the blue brooke blurted out something....we all heard it, but didn't listen close enough to understand what she said. in a heartbeat...ethan looked at brooke and asked, "what did you say, Brooke?" brooke looking into his eyes didn't respond with what she had previously said....she just glared into his eyes.

i wondered what it was, was she hungry, upset at something, needed to go to the toilet, was hot, cold...i wondered what she had said. were we too busy to listen to her? were we listening to something else when we should have been paying closer attention? i wondered. even moreso...i wondered what she said. for words...come far inbetween.

as you know, i'm a big thinker...and this one (a month later) has not escaped me. i thought about my relationship not only with my kids when they say something to me and i didn't listen/hear them....but my relationship to my God. my relationship with my God has been richer than its ever been in my 20+ years of knowing Him...but this made me consider..and make me ask these questions to myself.

does He tell me things and i'm too busy to hear?
Am i listening to other things/people instead of hearing from Him?
Do i hear Him, but forget what promises/truths He says to me?

brooke, always seems to show me something in regard my Lord...and she draws me closer to Him.

today...i'm listening. i don't wanta miss what Jesus says.