random talk

recently i was chatting w/my best friend about brooke. this is what i said:

i hate autism. i hate that i can never have a conversation w/brooke like i do with others (the same age). i hate i can't tell her not to wear that outfit, i hate she is just not down the hall from me for me to peek in to watch her sleep, or give her medication when she is sick, or go to the movies and laugh/cry, i hate to see her hurt or to have anxiety over the smallest things. i hate leaving her house that she calls "home" and that i call "her school".

but i love the way she looks at me...even if she is not smiling...even it it's just a look of "what's wrong", or i'm sad, or what's going to happen now.

being a mom is the hardest job i've ever had. but i love it so much.

i love Romans 11:33-36. i'm reminded of this passage tonight. He is the only wise God...and I am in constant need of His wisdom, strength, love, and grace. I'm thankful He gives it to me. He blows me away...even in the midst of my uncontrollable circumstances.

still waiting....

i've waited forever for this day...brooke's cast was coming off and a walking boot was coming on; BUT, there was a change of plans. brooke's leg still needs some time to heal so we will wait 2 more weeks and then she'll be in the walking boot, and it could be up to 4 weeks!

the bed she had in our house is now officially in her room at the LT. I didn't get a chance to see it today, but in the morning i plan to go and take some pictures of her w/dad/me/bed! i love her bed! i hope that when she got back to her room today she found it to be a nice surprise.

next week is IEP week. IEP (individual education plan). those are always bitter/sweet. you see how she is doing and how far she has to go. As far as how she is doing i've heard from a 'reliable' source that her behaviors have decreased and she is showing great strides! i hope this continues even when she returns to campus...we will see. i have high hopes.

she steals my heart, she makes me smile, she stirs my imagination, she makes me dream, she allures my soul to the Lord, she makes me do things i normally would not do. i love this little girl with all that is within me.

future

lately i've thought alot of your future brooke...where will we be 5 years from now or will you ever come and live w/us again? there is alot to consider but i'm grateful He knows and His way is perfect. (ps. 18)

HE IS ALIVE

We had the best day! I had the opportunity to do 2 palm paintings (http://www.shabarministries.blogspot.com/) and not only was that great for me but Brooke came! Bill wheeled her down the front and she watched me paint. i wish i could have seen her face. But from what i heard she had big smiles. I heard her on occasion and loved hearing her random blabs, then sometimes i heard nothing like you could hear a pin drop. She was in a happy mood today and i was so glad to be in church w/her, sitting beside her, holding her hand, watching her look into my eyes...it was precious and this is a day i'll remember for a long time to come.

this is not new news:

I miss you Brooke...more than i could paint on a canvas, write on a page, sing outloud, or even breath the smallest breath. I wish i could lay beside you tonight. why does my heart grieve so badly for you at times and other times laugh so hard when i'm in your presence? i will never understand the heart of a mother.

new cast decoration!

the boys had a great visit w/brooke yesterday. brooke (in these pictures) seems alittle preoccupied with the T.V. i'm going to see her today again, w/us being on break. she is precious and love being at her side!

a new day!

today was a good day! after many weeks brooke got her pins out of her leg and her cast off. However, she got another cast on (this one is bright organge!). This time she finally can bend her knee. I can't imagine how she feels having that thing off. The doctor said that the bone that was broken is the worst (on the leg) to heal....so a few more weeks in this cast and then a walking boot...and then we are FREE!!!! She can put some weight on her leg but w/assitance. Since she was having such a hard time after the event...i wasn't able to get some good pictures, so i hope to get some tomorrow as i see her and of course, sign her cast!

Thanks TLT staff for your hard work these past several weeks. i know it hasn't been the easiest job with bathing, staying up all hours of the night, staying right near her side, feeding her, and mostly loving her when i cannot be there to do what you do. I know we still have a ways to go...we are just one day closer.

i love you brooke! i'll see you very soon!

appointment

brooke is suppose to get her cast off and pins out on Thursday! Then she'll get another one on below her knee. I know she'll be excited to bend her knee and possibly walk on it. I'm looking forward to Thursday.

release your grief:

from Come Away My Beloved: (matthew 11.29)

my child, lean your head upon My bosom. I know well your weariness, and every burden i would lift. Never bury your griefs, but offer them up to Me. You will relieve your soul of much strain if you can lay every care in My hand. Never cling to any trouble, hoping to resolve it yourself, but turn it over to Me. In doing so, you will free Me to work it out.

thoughts:

i've been thinking about brooke's development lately. Questions of: what will she be like in 5 years, how much help will she need, what needs to be provided for her, etc...? I know that Brooke will need to be dependent upon someone. You have to think long term, even though i don't like to at times.

in thinking on this i've been made aware of my life spiritually. "let us go on to maturity (development)" the writer of Hebrews says. I know i need to be dependent upon Jesus...for i am nothing w/o Him at my side. so, brooke and i have some similar paths in front of us and even now. We are dependent people. I am in desperate need of Him, every moment til i see Him face to face.

i'm spending time w/brooke today (on the first day of our break from the cottage). it'll be good to be w/her. i miss sitting beside her. she has a way that makes everything in my world look so small. she has a way that changes my outlook on things. she has a way that makes me bold and courageous and strong. she has something about her that let me see that i am in need of Him and w/o Jesus I'm incomplete.

brooke,

can't get my mind off you tonight....i miss you and you are just 4 miles away from me. i long to see you!

a question for brooke...

my mind is full of questions for brooke today. sometimes i wish i could sit right in front of her and have a conversation...or even yet, just let her answer "yes" or "no" to me. today i just wondered if she ever grieves, thinking outloud...i'm sure she does, everyone does. i've seen alot of grief, been involved w/alot of grief, and heard of alot of grief in the past couple of weeks...so i guess that is why my question for her today would be: How do you handle with your grief, Brooke?

today, randomly i got a card from a person i have never met. Inside the card was written Psalm 121.1-2. I love this passage of scripture. (just happens to be my "brooke" passage). This is my answer when grief occurs in my life. i encourage you to go and read it....may God use it in your life as He has mine.

in remembrance

today i'm remembering a dear friend of mine. we were accountability partners for a couple years when i started my journey with the Lord. Today, she will deliver her conjoined twins that are already in the arms of Jesus. My heart grieves for her today. I'm reminded of a verse "after a little while you have suffered".... I sometimes wonder how long "a little while" is. I pray that peace surrounds her and her family as they walk thru these difficult hours of "a little while".


brooke has been sick and went to the doctor today.

her day

Brooke had a good birthday weekend. We got her friday afternoon went to a near-by park and took a walk (well, i pushed the wheelchair). She kept smiling. After that, we got home with pizza and cupcakes! It was close to her bed time so we watched Monsters, Inc. to end the night. It did not take her long to go to sleep. I enjoyed getting to sleep with her....which is always fun in the morning when she looks at you after waking up! When we took her back to the home they were on their way to FairHope Pier. I hope she had fun.

12 years old!!!

happy birthday, brooke!!!

our weekend

excited to say brooke will be spending the weekend w/us at our relief house while we are on our break. last year we did not get the chance to be w/brooke on her b/day so this will a real treat. Because of her cast, we will just lay around watching old movies (good idea mg)...we will take her back to her group home saturday morning. i'm looking forward to being w/you brooke! you make me smile.

i have no idea.....

brooke's b/day is next week and i'm clueless to how to celebrate w/her. Chick-fi-la is always on the menu...but her cast limits our outings. I really have no idea what to do w/her except just be w/her. She will be 12 years old and it just amazes me. it just seemed the other day i was pregnant w/her...living in Memphis...fixing to embark on a new adventure and journey....little did i know just what an adventure i was recieving when God created her (fearfully and wonderfully)!

3:17

if you don't know, this is my favorite passage of scripture! thanks to lauren for sending this photo my way. i'm holding tightly to this truth today!

UGH!

saw brooke today. she seemed a bit sad...frustrated...tired...hum, i don't know. these are the times i want to read her mind. i know her day was a bit frustrating. the arms of her wheelchair will prove to you that she doesn't like it very much. they do move her around a bit...wheelchair, sofa, bed, etc....but i cannot even imagine staying in one location and kinda not understanding it all. i miss her "stand up" hugs. i missed seeing her smile today...which made me sad to leave. frustrated all around i guess...

no pictures today-maybe tomorrow.

Presence

i have written this before, but have been encouraged by it recently, once again.

"He offers not solutions, but only His Presence. If we would only join David in lament, we might discover that voice. We might discover as well that even as we cry out to God, we are crying out WITH God." Card

His presence is the most precious thing. i'm surrounded by Him, guided by Him, comforted with Him, and even disciplined by Him. Knowing we are not alone intensifies my relationship with Him....and I am at peace.

*i'll be seeing brooke later today...i'll post pictures after my visit.