random talk

recently i was chatting w/my best friend about brooke. this is what i said:

i hate autism. i hate that i can never have a conversation w/brooke like i do with others (the same age). i hate i can't tell her not to wear that outfit, i hate she is just not down the hall from me for me to peek in to watch her sleep, or give her medication when she is sick, or go to the movies and laugh/cry, i hate to see her hurt or to have anxiety over the smallest things. i hate leaving her house that she calls "home" and that i call "her school".

but i love the way she looks at me...even if she is not smiling...even it it's just a look of "what's wrong", or i'm sad, or what's going to happen now.

being a mom is the hardest job i've ever had. but i love it so much.

i love Romans 11:33-36. i'm reminded of this passage tonight. He is the only wise God...and I am in constant need of His wisdom, strength, love, and grace. I'm thankful He gives it to me. He blows me away...even in the midst of my uncontrollable circumstances.