more to say

i cannot get brooke off my mind tonight. seeing her today was difficult for me. she had so much anxiety written all over her face. she kept bitting her arm as a way of coping w/her stress. i wish i could have taken that away from her. when she left the appointment she just looked at me with a frown i do not see very often from her...big tears in her eyes. i felt as if she was saying to me...I need you mom, help me. Oh, Lord...please help her. i cannot. i am miles away from my little girl, now 5 feet tall. Comfort her fears like only You can. I don't even understand her fears, her anxiety, or pain....or autism. You do! We need you.

the group, Plumb sings a song called "My Child"...it's on my mind tonight as i cry thinking of her:

your eyes, my eyes, your smile, my smile, your love, my gain, your hurt, my pain, your laugh, my joy, every time, it's mine, You are my child. I will always protect you, oh and i will even let you go, i'll spend the sweetest time holding you , and i will let you grow, don't ever be afraid, cause i am here, and if you start to fear, just close your eyes, and hear me say, your love, my gain, your hurt, my pain, your laugh, my joy, every time, it's mine, You are my child.

being a mother to an autistic child is a gift...it's a challenge...a daily dying to self...sometimes overwhelming...sometimes you laugh your head off, sometimes you cry so much your eyes seem swollen, sometimes your pain is so great you cannot describe it to anyone else but God. Tonight, i'm there. No one knows like Jesus. No one!